A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and his female friend is saying I came into his life and he loved me but I ruined his life by being anal and distrustful. Back then we started dating into about 3-4 months, he gave me reasons to be suspicious so I checked his phone and found messages that he was going after another girl, he got mad and said i invaded his privacy, after that he constantly lied about things and swore to God he wouldn't do those things anymore, but of course that wasn't the end of it. He still went after that girl and when I confronted him with proof he said he's just trying to be friends and wanted to hangout and sees no problem with it(contradicting?).His parents wanted to set them up while I was with him, I was just nonexistent to them. He made himself caring and sweet while trying to get to know her and when I confronted he would be verbally and physically abusive and lash out at me. Just because it didn't work out with her or have not slept with her it doesn't mean it wasn't cheating. How can his family and some friends dare say that I came into his life and ruined it and even loves me for that matter? I didn't come into his life being anal and distrustful, i loved him and it was hard to trust him after his constant lying going after girls. His parents obviously deny the fact they wanted to set him up, do they think they're so clever that I can't tell which females are really just friends and which ones he was going after? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have a new gf, he wanted that to happen 6 yrs ago but didn't., we just split recently. After that girl incident we did split up but we got back together. He didn't stop chasing for 6 years and I gave in thinking he really does love me.
My biggest mistakes was not walking away at the first sign of it, and in another way I was in denial he convinced me that he truly loved me. I guess love is blind to some extent until u wake up. His friends and family kept saying i was wrong, i was a emotional mess and felt powerless. I've read about these same situations with other people before and I would say the same thing as u, before I knew I was already caught up in the situation that I would never believe I would be in this position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have a new gf, he wanted that to happen 6 yrs ago but didn't., we just split recently. After that girl incident we did split up but we got back together. He didn't stop chasing for 6 years and I gave in thinking he really does love me.My biggest mistakes was not walking away at the first sign of it, and in another way I was in denial he convinced me that he truly loved me. I guess love is blind to some extent until u wake up. His friends and family kept saying i was wrong, i was a emotional mess and felt powerless. I've read about these same situations with other people before and I would say the same thing as u, before I knew I was already caught up in the situation that I would never believe I would be in this position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah this was just 2 days ago. It's already irritating that he tells his female friends about our issues, If one my friends were to confide in me about their relationship issues I wouldn't even think to go and scream at the other, who does that? I agree with the loyalty, I don't even think that exists in his dictionary. I know I shouldn't care what she has to say but she had no right to barge in and to say things such as my ex doesn't see me as a loss and that his family doesn't want me in their lives. I respected his family, I would buy them gifts during the holidays and his mother would question my ex in front of me if I really was the one who bought it then she'd walk away in disbelief, I've always been more of a giver, my ex just got into Boeing not too long ago then he and his parents thinks they're big and above everyone. Honestly, they are lower class status and my family is middle class status, what money does she think I can use or take from her son? Even if he became rich, I'm more educated than that, and another point if Im a person to go after money I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I think I'm done venting now..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "How can his family and some friends dare say that I came into his life and ruined it and even loves me for that matter?"
Because they're still his family and friends, he has a new girlfriend, and you're now jilted ex completely out of the picture so its most convenient and expedient for all others involved to shift blame onto you and move on to next chapter in ongoing soap opera; you should be thankful you are free from any future dysfunction instead of fruitlessy trying to prove YOU were right and they were wrong. Get over it.
"do they think they're so clever that I can't tell which females are really just friends and which ones he was going after?"
"He still went after that girl and when I confronted him with proof he said he's just trying to be friends and wanted to hangout and sees no problem with it(contradicting?)."
Well, if you're so clever that you could tell he was going after her, why didn't you trust your instincts and walk away with dignity and pride intact instead of making a scene. Honest to God, why does almost every DC poster feel complelled to cling to cad boyfriend until they have "proof to confront him," therefore providing bf opportunity to offer lame self-serving BS cover story which gf doubts, launching renewed search for more "proof to confront him . . ."
Classic DC scenario, ex is a louse with nightmare parents yet needy clingy chick is still boiling mad that some shameless hussy swooped in and stole him away and now parents are taking their son and new gf's side, classic example of ego and vanity overruling brains and backbone, only thing worse than cheating ex is finishing second to another woman who is a clearly inferior choice, unless it's bf's parents choosing to remain on good terms with son rather than accepting obvious fact that dumped gf wasn't at fault.
OP follow-up:
"I'm really not proud of myself for is even getting back together with him for the second time. He nearly killed me by strangling me 6 yrs ago because I confronted him about other girls."
". . . after all of this I feel I have changed and lost my sanity."
Be completely reassured that you haven't changed at all, you're just as sane (and clever) as you were six years ago, and will be six years from now when you "block out" all of this and try again.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Well the female friend is dumb first of all. Women in a relationship where they get the shit beat out of them don't tend to be nags.... They are quiet out of fear of being beaten. So congratulations to her, she stayed with someone that beat her without saying a word. Idiot. You are right, something should be said when you are treated badly. But in your case you should've just left him. I couldn't handle a bunch of his female friends telling me how awful I am in a relationship. I think it's a loyalty thing, if he's loyal to me he wouldn't allow his family or friends to say such shit.
I really hope you aren't with him now. You keep saying ex so I assume you are out of this relationship. Was it recent and that's why it's hurting you so much? Just block him and all of his friends out of your life in every way you can. You don't need to hear stuff like this, he's abusive and you got away so who cares if they are still talking crap. Let one of his stupid friends date him and get choked yet say nothing negative ever. Please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStayc! Thats horrible~sounds very much like my exes parents, I'm sorry u had to go through with that.
(This was in the beginning when we dated)
I sat through a dinner out with his family and the girls family that they were trying to set him up with, He didn't want me to know and even lied where he was really going but I found out from a bday cake receipt that was bought for her for that night, and he pretended to forget about the deal and had to bring me since I was with him, when we showed up his mom just ignored me and kept talking to the girl. The atmosphere was very awkward when we showed up, the girl and her parents looked upset/angry/surprised whatever it was to see me with him, they barely spoke a word through the dinner. I was hurt/upset and had so many emotions running through because I knew what was going on, I had to pretend to be happy and tried to socialize but barely got a response back from them.
(This is 6-7 yrs later when we got back together)
Think I'm going insane....he talks to his female friends about our problems which I don't really agree with, and they come and yell at me. She called me crazy, psycho, distrustful etc, she had a child with her ex and was in an abusive relationship with him but still had a second child with him. She told me exactly like this, "my ex used to beat the shit out of me but I didnt nag him like you did" (meaning to my ex). So im not supposed to speak out if im being abused or disrespected? I feel for her but I don't get why my ex would even go to her for advice.
One more thing that I'm really not proud of myself for is even getting back together with him for the second time. He nearly killed me by strangling me 6 yrs ago because I confronted him about other girls. He came back and Ive blocked those things out and thought he really must love me if he's waited 6 years and still wanted to be with me. We were happy for a little while then he acted shady and his lies appeared again, constant fighting led to verbal and physical abuse; emotional abuse. I used to be happy and peaceful person, but after all of this I feel I have changed and lost my sanity.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 September 2012):
I had an ex whose parents made up stories of things I did, they told their whole family that I left him on the side of the interstate, just forced him out of my car. What the hell! It never happened, nothing like that ever even came close to happening so it was ridiculous. Grown people saying such things and making rumors. In that relationship the guy had lied, done shit behind my back, talked to chicks behind my back... about everything bad you can do. So I became paranoid too. I guess his parents only saw his side as some parents do, coddle their children and think they can do no wrong. They even told HIM that HE can do better. Sounds much like what you are going through.
Most of that was in the relationship, after we broke up I couldn't care less what made up shit they had to say about me, which I am sure is a lot. My best advice is to forget them. Who cares what your ex and his family says? He is an ex now and it's your past, they can live in denial all they want. You know you didn't ruin his life and that's all that matters. People like him will make up whatever they want to make themselves feel better, you know the truth. All I can say is some family members are nightmares and they are one of the many reasons I would've never ended up with that guy. Be lucky you got away from yours too and move on.
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