A
male
age
51-59,
*ostGuy
writes:I need help in moving on, but I can’t get to the next stage. I was in a relationship with another guy for 7 years. It was fantastic or at least I thought so. We rarely argued and I thought it would last forever. Then unexpectedly he said he needed a break and needed to be alone. I was devastated and unusually for me I cried and cried. I honestly thought we were both happy and contented. I gave him the space he needed, but always thought we’d get back together after he ‘found himself’. I found out after a few months he was with someone else. Someone very rich and successful (unlike me or my ex). Not saying that it was the money that he was interested in, but I could never compete with that. I don’t know whether they met when we were together. My ex says not. But (quite cruelly) he sends me texts of all the fantastic places they are travelling to. We have now broken all connections except texting. I’ve asked him on many occasions not to contact me anymore, but I feel he contacts me to relieve his guilt over hurting me. And I text him because I can’t bear to let go. It is now 14 months since he dumped me and I am still in shock and still stupidly in the hope that we’ll get back together again. Delusional or what? He replies to my texts if they are happy and telling him what I am doing. He completely ignores my (3am) texts when I say I still love him and miss him and will never find love again. I think he wants me to move on, as he obviously has (disturbingly for me so quick and effortlessly). I have tried everything. I have lost weight, been to the gym, taken up hobbies, keeping myself busy 24 hours, taken holidays, started new relationships (each one doomed to fail as I try to find carbon copies of my ex) , read every article about how to move on, ripped up all photos, removed every item that reminds me of him, talked to friends till they are bored senseless, concentrated on his bad points. I pray that they will tire of each other and he will come back to me. He appears in my dreams most nights (where we are together and happy) and I cry when I wake to an empty bed. I have cried more in this last year, than in the whole of my life. I am now so tired. My head and body says it’s enough. But my heart can’t and won’t let go. I have recently met a really nice guy, who I can see clearly has fallen in love with me, but unfortunately for us this relationship isn’t going to last because my heart remains occupied. How can I exorcise the memory of my ex from my heart? I want to be able to hate him and I SHOULD hate him. I should speak to a doctor or councillor, but I know I won’t be able to. If anybody can offer me advice I will be most grateful. Thank you. PS I am not as pathetic as this question suggests, just a bit lost...
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a break, get back together, money, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): You are over the age of 40, and by this stage in a gay man's life, we are pretty settled-down, where love is concerned.
Maybe too settled-down in your case.
You romanticized your past relationship, and idolized your partner. That is the fault in being a romantic. Love seems much more beautiful than it really is. The partner is placed on a pedestal, and believed to be irreplaceable.
Sweetheart, no guy is that great. They come in various degrees of wonderful; but they're doggy poop when they dump you.
You engrained within your brain and heart, that this is the last time you'll ever love anyone. He then became a habit,
addiction, and the center of your universe. Give me a break!
Please!!!
You are a "mature" gay gentleman, so you've lost all optimism. No, you've disposed of it.
You are totally convinced that love ended with that little gold-digger. Yes, I called him a gold-digger.
He saw a "golden" opportunity, and he went for it. He enjoys rubbing your nose in it. You are behaving like a foolish old queen.
I'm going to tell you like it is, and I'm not going to join you in your little pity-party.
Take off the rose-colored glasses and see things in reality. You may be mature; but you are still capable of moving on and starting over.
Enough with the over-emotionalizing and dramatizations!
It has been two years! You've gotten enough mileage of this!
Life hasn't ended, you just got dumped by a materialistic gay boyfriend; who was looking for his taste of the good-life. Sorry that you couldn't deliver. He doesn't feel the least amount of guilt. He likes bragging.
You couldn't produce the wealth, and he obviously couldn't; so he dumped you for a bankroll. See it for what it is.
The only tears you should shed, ought to be for joy. That little fake is out of your life. You gave him a stable home, until he found someone with enough money. So he didn't have work hard to earn it himself.
So pathetically typical in the gay community.
So, you've met someone. You're just dangling him on a string; while you act out scenes in an old soap opera.
He isn't going to behave as you are. He is going to finally move on, and find a level-headed adult. Go head, and continue to wallow in your tears. Behaving less than half your age. He'll tire of the drama.
You're carrying on so; because you feed on the sympathy earned by a drama queen. He was so wonderful and made your life so complete. Where is he now?
No, please don't go check your last update. It doesn't really matter.
He left you with Louie Vaton luggage (purchased with the other guy's cash), and only looks back to tell you where he landed. He's showing off and flaunting his new life. He's probably exaggerating 200% of it.
You're crying over that?
Delete that bitch's number and get a grip! Don't you ever send so much as a vowel to that leech.
All that time you wasted that you should have been healing and recovering, he was pouring salt on your wounds and dancing on your pride.
How dare you do that to yourself! Just because we're older doesn't mean life ended when we said good-bye to 39! Where is your dignity?
You made a list of all the things you claimed you did to move on.
I don't believe a word it. You didn't do any of it.
You wallowed in self-pity and waited in false-hope. Pleading for that jackass to come back. You put life on hold, and gave an award-winning performance for the world to see how broken-hearted he left you.
CUT IT OUT! Collect your dignity.
If you made that much effort in letting go, the results would not be the post you have written. You don't fool me. I know better. You moped around, and spent the last two years sulking.
You almost justified your ex for dumping you.
You better count your blessings. There is a man who now cares for you. You're looking for sympathizers and nurse-maids to pat you on your weepy little head.
Not me. I know that you need to pick your ass up off the floor, and move forward. Get a grip, and stop this foolishness.
I'm giving you a boot in your butt. You need to get on with your life. That little moocher is out there sucking some poor old guy dry. The karma will come later. Yep, he has it coming.
If you've broken hearts along the way, and you've hurt people in the past; now you've paid your debt.
Open your heart, let that nice man in. Start a new life.
I'm not going to offer you pity, I'm giving you a push.
You've got another chance at love. Now go for it.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Lostguy, I do wish you luck and strength. You can do it.
When you feel wobbly, which you will, return to DearCupid for support (and Baggage Reclaim - the community there has really supported me through rough times, and there are loads of old posts that you can search and read through to help you).
Time for the next chapter in you life. Wishing you happiness.
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A
male
reader, LostGuy +, writes (29 July 2013):
LostGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your thoughtful and intuitive replies. I realise now that I shouldn't be dating yet. I agree its not fair and I'm not ready. The links you posted and the letter from the Pastor were both tremendously helpful. I will change my number and have no contact. I need to move forward. I realise now that I can never have again what I had. It has gone. I can't cling on to old memories and old expectations. He has moved on and I need to take control of my life again. My ex took my confidence and self respect. He has damaged my spirit and it will take time to heal. But I will be a lot happier taking control. Thanks once again to you both for enlightening me - I truly appreciate it. Please wish me luck :o)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): I have been in your shoes. The only way is 'no contact rules'. Trust me, it will heal you.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Seven years is a long, long time.
I will tell you what I think, without any garuntee that it would help. I don't have all the answers, but I hace been in a position where I could barely get ovwr someone for years, much longer than my head said I should I have also felt pathetic. Now, I am ok, and would never go back to him, but also avoid him like an alcholic might avoid a bar, because though his hold on me is gone, I never want to be there again.
1) I think, if he can not respect your boundary and not text you, then it is time to take measures such as changing your number or having his blocked somehow. You need to heal, and not severing this tie is not helping. I'm sorry, this will take courage and you've already shown so much. Choose to be
lucid.
2) This was from my pastor, when, even though I was engaged to a new man I could not stop staring at my ex from accross the room at his sisters (my best friends) wedding : what does he have that's yours?
Here, copied and pasted , is the mesage my pastor sent mr. I hope it helps you, like it helped me:
"Thanks for entrusting this with me.
Oh man it sounds as if this is a huge burden feelings all over the place and so confusing. First of all REALX!!!!!! It sounds as if T has something of yours and it is not your heart. The fact that you need you feel you need to prove something to him already tells, and let me put it into another scenario. Lets say you dropped M and got into a relationship with T it would not work. Experience as a marriage counsellor already tells me that if you feel you are needing to prove something to T it has within in it the seeds for an abusive relationship. All that needs to happen is for the right conditions to come along and those seeds will grow. What do you think he has of yours... not a possession like a sweater lol, not your heart either. At some point while you were dating or through the break up he stole something of you, try to think what it is, maybe integrity, a fantasy unfulfilled, a dream that never became reality... ask God what that is and let Him show you. You staring at him and writing him a long letter does not sound like you are having any emotional affair at all. Often when one has been hurt or issues unresolved and dreams and expectations not fulfilled there is a need to go back and fulfill them. In psychology we call it regression and the fact that this happened in a different life stage to where you are now at the need to regress to "get this thing back" is totally normal. The reality is that you will never get this "thing" back, only the Holy Spirit can fill that. So in a long round about way here it is... stop feeling guilty.
Ok here comes the second thing. M sounds like a real gentleman. The illusion the world gives of marriage and love is often so counter biblical. God loves us to feel butterflies and tingly all over when we in love. But that is not love. Love is a choice you amd M will make to loveeach other. I often pose this question to married couples or people in marriage prep. "What is it you hate most about the other, in fact what you detest and makes you nauseaous about the other?" Usually this is where people break out in instant sweat cause they feel it has nothing to do with love. So here comes the test. Are you prepared to love that about M? Learn to love the worst of M? If yes then you are beginning to understand love... the love Jesus has for us. Remember Paul in Romans says that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. The nce feelings are amusement, but love costs.
CAn you "love" T or just be amused with him? I suspect there is still loads of amusement with him cause that was years ago while you were still in a different life stage. Amusement is not love and amusement without that sacrifical love will ALWAYS lead to abuse. When the amusement stops the other will begin to demand more amusement which can either become boring, or perverted or forced. Either way it is a loose loose situation.
Thirdly, have you spoken to M about this? M is the one who before God will recieve you on your wedding day to take and as Paul writes in Ephesians 5, work to present you as holy and blameless in God's sight. That is love and romance. Whatever T may hold over you, M can give the real thing.
Fourthly. Can you just forget T? not at all. You never will, but you need to reinterpert that relationship as one that belongs to the teenage N, not the grown up woman N. Those are experiences of a teen and will only give you the kick a teen will get.
Tell me how this helps or does not help. "
Please feel free ti sift out the parts that are nit relevant to you. I just feel that thete are pearls of wisdom here, that I can not put so eloquently
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 July 2013):
p.s, genuine no contact is very difficult but the only way to go forwards. It might mean you changing your number or getting a phone that allows you to block his number. And then delete his number (though I expect you know it off by heart). Take no contact one day at a time but keep at it. It will be painful but you will gradually start to heal and gain more perspective x
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 July 2013):
I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
You are going to find it very tough but you MUST break all contact. Texting is contact.
Can I suggest you read this: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/moving-on-from-disappointment-are-you-focused-on-the-person-or-on-the-bigger-picture-of-your-life/
And this: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisted-after-the-breakup-hold-tight-to-your-self-respect-stop-trying-to-be-friends-with-the-ex-that-mistreated-you/
There's also a post about going no contact. It's a very supportive community on Baggage Reclaim. It's helped me tremendously. I hope it helps you, too.
If you feel you should talk to a doctor/ therapist then do it - you CAN do it.
Meanwhile, in all honesty, I don't think you should be dating. You are not ready. You risk hurting others, which you know isn't fair.
Good luck x
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