A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI need some reassurance, really, as I'm finding it hard to properly separate from my ex and he keeps talking about getting back together - it's confusing me and I keep being drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.Maybe the first thing to say is that I was always extremely shy as a child and this lasted through to adulthood - I have no really, really close friends - I do have one friend I am closer to but I don't know if that counts as a 'best friend' and I have a few other people I could meet for a meal or coffee. I should probably also say I was brought up in an emotionally and psychologically abusive household, which also affected my elder sister who suffered a breakdown at 17 and has been mentally ill and violent ever since. I grew up in a small town and, I suppose to protect myself from being hurt by people at school, and the possibility of them rejecting me because of my sister, I wouldn't let anyone close to me in case they found out about my sister and what my home/parents were like. Today, I still find it very hard to be really close to friends. I have no problem at all in attracting people to me - when I'm in my element I really sparkle socially but I can't always do this like my ex can - and you would never guess, if you met me, how lonely I really am.Anyway, my ex partner is the total opposite. He LOVES people and seems to live and breathe being a social animal. He is a total narcissist and able to come across to others as being the most loving, caring and adorable guy. He is so popular socially - always being asked out to great events, parties, weekends away and so on and so forth. And there are times in our relationship when he was absolutely adorable to me (this kept me hooked). But behind the scenes he was incredibly neglectful, a binge drinking alcoholic who caused chaos in our lives and who would be abusive - psychology and at times physically, if he didn't get what he wanted. Over the years I came to realise he always, always, has an ulterior motive for everything and that motive is always for him to look good in order to further his career through gaining this reputation as a great guy. When I was out with him I never once felt we were out as a couple or as a team - I was lonelier being out with him than I was at home alone, so I gradually stopped going to things with him and he got in to the habit of going out alone a LOT. People got used to him being out alone and they loved it, so when I did turn up it was a bit like they were waiting to see if I would go home early so that their fun could really start.It meant that, when we were together, I was constantly in his shadow, seen as the nice but relatively boring one, actually people I think (at least some) thought I was using him either for money or for his contacts when in fact I've always supported myself and I just have always struggled with exploiting social relationships - I really just can't do it, not on a practical level and not ethically either. I live in a big city where people merge social and work life and this adds to my ultimate confusion about what friends really are. I have been a really good, caring friend to people in the past and then been exploited and dumped when I couldn't keep giving the 'counselling' or when I myself needed some support.Honestly I can't tell you the stress of being with him was so enormous, over so many years that I became isolated, physically ill with stress and very, very confused about my own identity and, in particular, my ability to make friends in my own right. We were constantly bombarded with people - anyone and everyone - all wanting a 'piece' of my ex boyfriend, all believing he was authentic and amazing - to the point where I suppose this made my tendency to withdraw even worse, in the end. I even had single parent mothers regularly dumping their kids on us for weekends, with me ending up looking after them whilst he gave the impression he'd done all the work and bonded with them.I had learned to socially 'perform' but I was invisible in my own right - no one ever noticed my accomplishments or my hard work or the fact that for many years I was earning more than him - he simply took up all air space and I was to act a bit like a 'trophy wife'. But the thing is I never really wanted that much recognition anyway - I'm quite happy to just keep working and want a few genuine people in my life that can appreciate what I do, rather than a massive fan club. It's just that, after so many years of being involved in that kind of scene, I suppose I felt that I HAD to aspire to being like him/them and that I should want the same thing. Anyway, he keeps saying he wants to get back together. He has had much younger women chasing him because he recently got promoted (thanks to his charm and contacts) and, although he still has a binge drinking problem, people around him don't mind because it actually enables the social aspect of his job. They simply don't see the wreck, lying on the sofa for two days after each binge (at least twice a week and more). They don't see how he changes when he gets home and the attention levels obviously drop and he gets angry because no-one's noticing him and praising him. Anyway, he now has a good salary and a lot of 'power' in his field and younger women are very drawn to him because of this - he alternates between flirting with them and then saying he wants me.I am still finding it so hard to make more friends in my own right and it really does hurt me. I've had counselling, but it didn't really help me to deal with this - it helped me to understand the reasons but not to tackle the problem - and my ex knows this. He's seen me cry about it many times. I really do fear there's something wrong with me. But I also feel if I'd met someone less extremely sociable and a bit more balanced, maybe things would have been different for me in that I'd feel less pressured to be extremely social.Now he seems to be using this as a bargaining tool. Last night, after me being extremely patient with him and trying to get to the bottom of what he's really thinking (because he's incapable of telling me the truth) he went out and had some drinks and then phoned and became a bit abusive. He told me I'd got a serious problem with socialising and letting people close to me - which is true - but that he wants to get back together but I have to "meet half way". He wants me to accept that he can't stop drinking completely (and his drinking has been a constant nightmare in our relationship), but he will cut down IF I make more of an effort socially and IF I realise that I do have this serious problem and I must make more effort to be normal.I just hung up and broke down in tears. This not being able to make and keep close friends has really ruined my life, I feel. I work hard, I think I'm a decent person, on the surface of it I have an interesting life, I feel like I've tried everything and in the past I know - even my ex says - I've been a genuinely caring, giving friend and then just got dumped when those people move on or can't give back. I think anyone who does know of me thinks I have loads of friends and contacts, but in fact I haven't. Another problem is I have no family now at all apart form my mentally ill sister who I'm frightened of due to her violence and emotionally manipulative ways. I'm aware that growing up with her paved the way for me to be much more tolerant and receptive to abusive people and this endangers me, but I don't know how to move on now.I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks "just keep going, persevere, keep trying" - but I'm so lonely. Another part thinks "he is right, you are being too harsh on him, you have to compromise, the whole world has moved on now in terms of relationships and socialising and EVERYONE is more social". Another part of me thinks "this is nuts, he's manipulating you and playing into your weaknesses". And I think the last part is right. But why can't I listen to it and why can't I act on it more?To give you and idea of how bad this is I am seriously thinking of moving home to a different country and just trying to start all over again. I would be lonely and isolated at first. But I'm lonely and isolated here anyway. I feel like unless I get geographical distance I'll never be free from him. I've read books to help with breaking up (it was 3 years ago now) and they ALL say that you need a support system of friends - but I don't have this and I think this may be what's pulling me back. I have no idea, really, what a healthy amount of friends would be and what kind of support you could ask for. Books Ive read about support networks say that you need someone you can call on to get you through hard times like what I'm experiencing now. But I have never really felt I can 'lean on' people in this way and, when I've tried, I've honestly had very bad experiencing of people making it clear they're not interested in helping me at all. What the counsellors and the books say to do doesn't match up at all with what actually happens in real life. People at this age have their friends and family and partners all set up and just aren't interested in supporting someone like me, even when I give support to them.
View related questions:
a break, alcoholic, flirt, get back together, money, move on, my ex, shy, spark, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): look up this site 'lady with a truck...it is all about narcissism
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (5 June 2015):
 Hi
My advice is go NO CONTACT with this guy. Hes taking too much of your head space.
Nothing new can come in till you do. Take your power back.
Follow your gut instinct. Dont be lead by fear
A great website is www.soberecovery.com There is a forum there for the friends and family of alcoholics. There are so many people there with similar stories. Check it out X
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): Okay, everyone who has answered, I did not respond immediately because I really thought a lot after I wrote in to the website and came to pretty much the same conclusion. I need to cut off from him totally. I have actually done this twice already and the most it lasted was two months before I just got too lonely. The way I look at this now is that it's like when I had to stop smoking. I had to try several times and forgive myself each time I screwed up and had a cigarette, and tell myself I was bound to have weak moments but I could get stronger and stop altogether. And eventually I did. This was the only way I could do it and I think this is the way I will break my addiction to him.I really want to thank you so much, all of you, for understanding the situation and for telling it like it is.In my heart I KNOW that what you say is true. I just need to remind myself how strong I am and, frankly, I need to have some nice experiences so that I feel less stuck and hopeless. So, I will try really hard, this time, not to sabotage my life all over again.Thank you again, all of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): what a clever little alcoholic stategy..he will cut down on drinks if you make the effort.Its time to look up alcoholism and its classic.Hes tried to get you to take the blame for it. oh no, this guy should be easy for you to leave. Why didyou cry over his bizarre words? Was it desparate sympathy? Was it because you realized he would never change and you cannot be whipped along as fuel for his addiction. When he finally realises that he will die from alcoholism he will talk of changing but perhaps he will just sozzle himself to death. Be glad you can use the words exboyfriend and not current partner because he is gonna grind you down if he can. Dont demand an instan social circle but stop picking holes in yourself. There is a place in this world for a shy kindhearted individual with rather a compelling way of writing....but not as a doormat to someone who steals your energy and puts you down because they are desperately trying to conceal their alcoholism. You are number one in your life.You now know hiw lonely you can be in company. So as you are quite strong minded and no coward i suggest that you can take your time and really figure out a plan of action for yourself alone.One that doesnt include him or his phoney hangeron friends. Your confidence will blossom given time to sort yourself out.Smile at yourself in a mirror now and again cos if nothing else you have learned how people use people to mask their addiction and you will have insight on these matters from now on without further experience. Always keep the words Ex in front of the word boyfriend where hes concerned because he will spiral you down to hell if you let him. At least if he picks up someone new their family and friends will help pull them out after the mr.nice guy act starts to wear off.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 You cannot put enough oceans between you unless you decide that you don't want to be be with him and stand by your decision. The mind is the most powerful tool OP. You can change your life for the better or ruin/destroy/wreck it, just by the power of your mind and your will. Geographical distance will do nothing, trust me. You will just be running away from your problems and the more you run, the more you will be chased.
The first thing is that, if he's your ex then why are you still talking with him, and to use your own words, "trying to get to the bottom of what he's really thinking"? Why are you still taking calls from him? You say repeatedly that you don't have friends or family. That doesn't in any way mean that you have to keep going back to this dysfunctional person again and again. You have been strong and have fought back since you were a child...this cant really be that hard for you. You know what it is to be alone and survive.
You can do it OP. You don't need him, you don't need anyone, just take the first step and cut him out of your life, even if it means doing it all alone. There are many people out there who have no one and yet they're pulling on and happy with whatever they have. Tell me, what's worse, being in an unhappy, abusive relationship with someone just for the sake of having that "someone" in your life or being alone and being at peace with yourself?
Another thing for you to realize is that he is not manipulating you, you are *allowing* him to manipulate you. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your consent. No one can manipulate you without your consent. He is not to be blamed for this. The problem isn't him. You know that's how he is. The problem lies with you, in the way that you know him and yet you allow him to walk all over you.
OP this brings me to the premise that I started with and that is, be strong, be determined and remember that if you decide that you don't want him in your life, then you can do it this very instant, and he cant do a damn.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): ok youre really down on yourself and thats exactly what he wants with his constant negative energy directed at you. He wants to be the star of the show and he wants you doing all the hard eork so he can havehis one night stands and still comeback to you who has the amazing talent ofdoing everything and expecting no reward. You are not socially useless at all. Its not your fault the pressure nearly killed your sister and you dont need anyone to wheedle their way back into your life. Of course the reality is very different between reallife and things people say,so youneed to trust yourself to make yourown decisions becausethats how people learn.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): I can relate totally to what you're going through as my ex-husband was just like your ex; a controlling, manipulative, alcoholic abuser.
I can't tell how how much I want you to delete this man from your life. He is a parasite, preying on your insecurities. You say "He wants me to accept that he can't stop drinking completely, but he will cut down IF I make more of an effort socially and IF I realise that I do have this serious problem and I must make more effort to be normal." WHAT! So he's comparing his alcoholism to the fact you are not gregarious. REALLY!! Think how that sounds!
Not everyone is a social animal. If we all were competing for attention no-one would be listening! He has used your insecurities in this department to keep you on the hook and undermine your confidence. You hold down a job and you say "I do have one friend I am closer to but I don't know if that counts as a 'best friend' and I have a few other people I could meet for a meal or coffee." Well to be honest it doesn't sound to me as though people don't like you. There's such an obsession these days with popularity these days and having lots of friends on Facebook but that means nothing. Facebook friends aren't real, and I've seen studies that say most people only have a few close friends they can rely on.
I realise that you feel you have difficulties with relationships and your dysfunctional upbringing has not helped you with this. I would urge you to seek more professional help and see your GP. He will be able to prescribe something if you need it. I didn't want to take prescription drugs but in the end they assisted me in escaping my desperately unhappy life.
Of all your statements the final one where you say "this is nuts, he's manipulating me and playing into my weaknesses" is the truest. That's what people like him do; they keep wrong-footing you so you cannot see the wood for the trees.
You can do this alone of you have to. It's possible. He's sapped all your strength from you but with him out of your life completely you will eventually feel much, much better.
The irony in all this is he needs you 1000 times more than you need him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 What it breaks down it, is that YOU do NOT really WANT to be with him, but he keeps pulling you back in.
Only way to TRY and "fix" that is CUT HIM OFF 100% from contacting you. Block his number, delete it (or better yet, get a new phone number), if he shows up at your door DO NOT open. He will go away. If he e-mails - have his e-mails go directly to the SPAM folder. If he shows up at your job, tell him to leave.
So you don't have a support system of friends, it happens, you CAN STILL cut the contact without leaning on anyone. Sometimes we HAVE to do thing the HARD way, without having others help us do it.
The fact that you GIVE him the opportunity to STILL talk to you is how you basically SABOTAGE yourself. You KNOW he is bad for you, you KNOW you will be better off without him, yet YOU haven't totally LET him go either... have you? That is how he can "prey" on your line of thinking.
Your choice. you can hang on to your "victim mentality" or you can start getting into a "survivor mode".
...............................
|
