A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex-boyfriend and I had been hooking up whenever I came home from college. We still acted like we were dating, and still said we loved each other. On several occasions he still made mention of how he thinks I'm his soulmate and he's convinced fate will bring us together even though we can't be together now because he doesn't like the long distance relationship thing. My problem is that he is now "unofficially" with another girl! We had been fighting a lot before this happened but he would still say he loved me. I asked him several times if he liked her and he would always say no and she wasn't better than me and I was a lot prettier. When I found out that he has been sort of with this girl it really broke my heart. He then told me that he never really loved me for the past two years; he just "thought" he did. I told him I couldn't take the lies and him being sneaky and I deleted him on facebook and blocked his number. I sent him a long inbox explaining how it hurts a lot that he would lie to me about loving me and lie about liking this other girl because it only led me on.I've threatened to leave him and stop talking to him for good when he would be extremely disrespectful or do something to intentionally hurt me or make me upset. But in the end, I've always given into him and started talking again.After reading it, he called me from another line and said he knows I'm being serious this time and then proceeded to say goodbye and he loves me!! Why did he tell me he loved me after telling me a few days earlier that he ever did?!?!? I hung up on him and haven't talked to him in about a week. I heard he's still with the other girl and they go out a lot so he clearly isn't trying to get me to forgive him or prove he really loves me.While I definitely appreciate girls answering, I would really like to hear what a guy's view of this is as well. Thanks everyone in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): Oh for Gosh sakes, reading posts like yours from young women just really infuriates me, and I'm mad at YOU for setting your boundaries and standards so low.This ex should remain just that. You can't "act like your dating", when all this has been is sex with the ex. He gets and easy lay because you have a history and are sexually comfortable with him, unlike a new girl that would actually expect him to earn her trust before she became involved that way with him, you just give it blindly.ReRead your post, put a best girlfriend's face on this and ask yourself what would you tell her?Your ex is not ready to settle down with anyone, and young women make the HUGE mistake of falling into the girlfriend trap and believe that just because she has shared certain "events" such as meeting friends and parents, or because the dating has been going on for years, that these events are "proof" of his commitment. Well, new flash, men do not commit until they marry. They will always always know either the end will come some day, or you aren't the one but you'll do for now, and I love you's are his way of sharing his attachment to you, but not proof of his enduring bond. Until he gets down on one knee and presents a ring, then you are in a Pretend relationship.I know that sounds confusing, but it is true. So what is a woman to do if she is "in Love" with a man who hasn't committed to her and is just dating her (because that is what all those events mean to him, just dating you)? You keep strong on the inside, hold onto your heart, keep it open to other men and their attentions and let a man in who might think you are the ONE, and he will let you know that when he get's serious with you.This clown is just that an emotionally unavailable assclown, and now he is the other girl's problem. Women should never settle for a guy who is juggling women, should never take a cometitive stance with other women, no assclown is worth that. See, we women are the fairer sex for a reason, we are the prize that he has to earn, NOT the other way around. Don't get off your life path and goal of getting married and go off following some dude who is "confused". You put distance between you and him and you would be better off cutting your losses and ending this now or he will never respect you....any woman who tolerated his actions will lose his respect, I'd say you already did that by sleeping with him when he was still and ex because you were just pretending to still be together based on the fact that you were still "hooking up".I think it is funny that girls of your generation think that is sexual liberation for women, or sexual power. Hooking up means that he can just as easily un hook from you. If you are going to behave sexually like a man and be easy and free with your no strings sex, then you had better be able to take it like a man and remain unattached an unbonded...but guess what, most women are hard-wired biologically to attach and bond with the man they are sleeping with. That's why if he goes off with another woman you end it, he's just told you all you need to know about the status of your "relationship". Stop giving your power away by hooking up, women have all the power, they have just been brainwashed by culture into thinking that controlling men through sex is power, nothing could be further from the truth.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): Dating is dating, so there's no official or unofficial version of it. He wants his cake and his icing too, which is fine if you're into open relationships, but if you feel he's uncaring of how much it hurts you when he's dating her, he clearly shouldn't be with both of you at the same time. You've let him know that and he still doesn't care, so move on and forget about him. If he actually loved you, he wouldn't go and date someone else when you're not around and he gets bored. He cares only about his own happiness, not yours. Let him go, and let him know in very little wording that you no longer care about how he feels about you, and that he can keep his fling and have fun. Don't keep hopping back to him, or you'll get more hurt everytime, since he's just playing you. When someone goes dating someone on the side, it's officially happening, so I would tell him you're making it "official" that you're breaking up, so he can "officially" take that girl for a walk, but then cut all contact with him following that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): I think that when someone tells you that they love you and then does the opposite of what they say, it's very hard to trust their words. I think you are better off without him anyway because if a guy is supposed to be committed to you and doesn't act his part there might be problems in the future. I know that trust is such a fragile thing and can be broken so easily just by small little words and actions. If he is not even trying to ask for forgiveness, just let him go. He's not worth the hurt, and it's always better to break up early in a relationship if you feel it's not going to work out than later. You are still young, and just thank God that there was no child involve. I'm saying this because I am with my ex-boyfriend with my second child and I have some regrets because of trust issues and I just don't want anyone else to make mistakes like I did.
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