A
female
age
30-35,
*BC_Lover
writes:I broke up with my fiancé in late January this year. I loved and still do love him dearly.I left him because I was unhappy about many things about how he chose to live his life.he chose to hang out with loser drug addicts and got himself involved in that scene. he couldn't be bothered getting a permanent full time job. We used to live together but I was involved in an accidentLast year and had to move back home with my mum.He couldn't find a place to live (except on his mothers lounge) so I offered for him to stay with me at mums house while she was away for 2 months. during that time I fell pregnant to him. I could not have kept our baby since I had no job and was living with my mum. His situation was much the same. I also didn't want our child to grow up around his loser friends and without my fiancé having a job or us having a home.so a few days after the termination I left him and haven't seen him in almost 5 months. recently I heard that he has stopped hanging out with that druggie friendship group and that he won't speak to any of them any more, I have also heard he has been making some positive changes in other aspects of his life.For the past few months he has been sending me love messages almost every day to say how sorry he is about not trying harder to get a job and a home so we could have started a family.In the meantime I have recently found my own permanent home and have a good job (even though I am disabled from my accident and am using crutches).My family hate him for what he has or hasn't done for me.But despite all the drama, my ex is the most wonderful person i can think of. we never had fights in our two year relationship. He stood by me through my accident last year. He was loyal, genuine, hilarious, loving, supportive and I have never met a person like him.after I left him, I didn't speak to him for 2 months and completely blocked out all the emotions of leaving someone I love and having to terminate our baby. only now have I realised that this guy made me truly happy and I don't want to be with anyone but him.He has been making slow progress on his life but I can see he is trying to change and in his own words "wants to be the man I deserve". after much internal turmoil I have decided to see him for dinner tomorrow night. I want to know how much he has done to improve his lifestyle.I would seriously consider getting back together with him if he is committed to me and committed to changing his lifestyle. We both regret the relationship ending. we both regret the termination. Yes the relationship had its ups and downs but I have dated much much worse people who used to scream at me and treat me like I was nothing.I wouldn't rush in straight away with the ex, but perhaps go back to the dating phase to allow him some more time to sort some other stuff out.my mother hates him and im sure she will disown me if she knew what my true feelings are for him. The only bad things I can say about my ex is that he is messy and lazy and he procrastinates. I feel like these characteristics can be improved on.My only reservation other than my mothers feelings towards him is that he couldn't change that lazy procrastinating behaviour in the two years I was with him. he couldn't change for a baby, and he says now without me it's hard to change knowing that he won't have me back at the end of his transformation.I want to be there for him and I want our relationship back. I feel like I did the wrong thing by having a termination (which was as much his child as it was mine) and then essentially abandoning him because I was angry with our choice to terminate. we never got a chance to heal together.I really want to be happy. I can't see myself being happy without him. If I show that I want to take it slow, will that give him the motivation to get it together?What should I tell my mum if we decide to be together again? I'm 24 years old and live by myself. I care about what my mum thinks, but she's not the one who has to date him.Could I please have some advice on whether its a good idea to do the go slow get back together thing? How would you break it to your well meaning, but overprotective, suffocating mother?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 May 2013):
''he says now without me it's hard to change knowing that he won't have me back at the end of his transformation''
sorry but this is the most important part of what you wrote. he is using your lack of contact as an excuse for not improving his life, but yet when you were around he did nothing. I think you should not emotionally invest yourself in him, mainly because you will get hurt again, and also because you dont want to be disowned by your mum over him. but good luck in whatever you choose, I can see it is not an easy situation
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Hi, you are a fully functioning adult who's been through a lot and shown true determination and resolve.
Forgive yourself. You made a decision and that's one part of your life. The feeling of what might have been will be there, occassionally in the background. But much less often, hopefully, in the future, as dwelling continually about what might have been can be a millstone.
As far as advice to your Mom?
Don't be in a rush to tell her. First set out some potential ground rules with your ex. And the deal-breakers. Be very very clear about your expectations. If he has a counsellor could you meet his counsellor?
If he joined AA could you attend a meeting of the group who are the family of the alcoholic? And consider the text based advice available on 'talktoFrank' as they specialize in support for the addicted or support for the family or friends of the addicted one.
If you go into this with a view to reconciling then at least have several support bases ready to support and advise you.
As far as what you do tell your Mom?
Consider:
You are 24 and you are responsible for your own actions.
Let her know how impressed you are with his resolve.
Let her know the support base (external to her and your family) that you have available to you.
Let her know that you love her.
And discuss the the fact that at 24 you are entitled to make face the consequences of your own decisions.
That's how we learn and grow.
We all make mistakes in life. Show me a person who claims to have never made a mistake and I'd wonder what other lies the person is telling me. As adults we sometimes have to allow a fellow adult to find his or her feet after a fall. Your ex faltered and picked himself up. Now you are thinking of giving him a chance. That's very loving of you. I hope he can do this and continue his progress.
Re your Mom:
Listen to her without getting irritated or too upset. And no interrupting. You can surely understand why she was concerned for you, earlier? She wants the best for you.
re your ex and you:
I hope that the love and determination and the commitment between the two of you is enough, to ensure that this will this work. You certainly are articulate and clear about how m
He has obviously put a lot of effort into overcoming his demons.
And if not? Then at least you gave yourselves the opportunity to make it work.
It is really really hard when two different people (A and X) who a person (B) loves do not love each over. It hurts.
Perhaps eventually invite your Mom over for a meal to see for herself how things are progressing. And how he is now.
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A
female
reader, FirstTimeOnlineDater +, writes (18 May 2013):
I completely agree with you about the one year thing. I would like to keep him close to me but not rush in to anything. Should I come out and say it how it is or is there a nicer way of saying " I love you but you need to prove you can last one year completely drug free".?
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