A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i'm having a bit of a hard time lately. i've been with my girlfriend about a year now and sometimes our ups and downs really effect me.since this is anonymous, i don't feel too bad disclosing this information, seeing as how it's very pertinent. she's in therapy for some bad experiences she dealt with during her childhood all the way through her late teen years and is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. when i first met her, she honestly was a mess. she wasn't on any medication and her behavior was completely erratic. she would sleep til dinner time and miss all of her classes and tests and then panic because she was behind. then she'd pull an all-nighter studying to make up for all the time she lost sleeping and then crash and sleep through her make-up exam the next day. this went on endlessly. she'd also constantly make plans and then completely disappear and i wouldn't hear from her for hours. it would really worry me because i thought something may have happened to her. when i finally would hear back, she'd always have a reason as to why it had happened. and if i got upset, well, i was just being a jerk. i finally had enough of it and started telling her that her disappearing act was causing me a lot of stress and i needed more stability for us to work, so her solution was to give me a key to her apartment and if i ever didn't hear from her for an extended time, that i should just come over and check on her. that wasn't my idea of stability; i was hoping for things to change, but i took it, anyway, since she offered. well then she later complained that she wasn't ready for me to have a key to her place! sigh.when she got on anti-depressants, everything changed drastically for the better. her behavior stablized and she wasn't so erratic anymore. she wouldn't sleep 18 hours out of the day and she'd get herself up for class and work and we leveled off and had a secure relationship finally. i knew i could count on her to be dependable and reliable in her life and with us. things were great til all of a sudden, boom, she just breaks up with me out of nowhere. said our differences were just too much for her to deal with. i never even saw it coming. i mean, in the beginning, when we actually had significant problems, we stayed together. but she decides once things finally settle down and she's able to get her life back together and we have a healthy relationship, that's when she breaks up with me??? we didn't ever fight and we got along amazing. i was floored. the next day she called me crying and asked me to come over and we talked and she apologized and said she'd made a mistake. i was really confused and caught off guard and hurt because i didn't know what to think. i thought we were happy, and clearly she wasn't to break up with me, right? well i take her back and once again, things are going fantastic, until all of a sudden she breaks up with me again. says she just needs to be alone while she's in therapy to get herself straightened out, while the day before she was telling me how she wanted to marry me and have kids and be with me forever. once again, of course, she calls me crying and says she regrets it. she was just in one of her down and depressed moods and didn't mean it.i don't know what the hell to think, in all honesty. she's got such high ups and downs and it feels like she blames everything on me or takes it out on me. if she's in a down mood it feels like i literally can't do anything right. if i try to comfort her and hug her, she doesn't want to be touched. if i don't hug her, she's mad that i "don't care." if i try to talk to her about it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk. if i don't talk about it, i don't care, once again. so i tell her i have no idea what to do to help and to coach me on how to better deal with her down moments, and she tells me how everybody else always just knew how to comfort her and that she hates having to tell me how - which makes me feel even worse! ugh.basically i just feel beaten up. i feel blamed for everything when all i've tried to do was be stable, dependable and reliable for her. all i ever hear is what i do wrong. please, any bit of advice on what i should do and how to deal with all of this would be great. i'm truly lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Run, run and run away from her. She shouldnt even be dating anyone at the moment until she has worked through her problems in therapy. If you dont leave now it will end up scarring you and might resonate on all your future relationships.
You cant fix her, noone apart from her can stabiliser her life. You shouldnt have to be putting up with all this drama.
Walk away. You have tried. It hasnt worked. Dating shouldnt be this miserable.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (19 May 2013):
Dear OP,
While I wouldn't agree to the male posters who said that she probably knows how much she is controlling and hurting you, I agree that it might be better for you two to break up.
In a relationship, there are times when one person is in a crisis and the other one is the helper, that's normal. There are also times when one person is unfair and the other one is hurt, that's maybe inevitable.
But this shouldn't be a permanent and one-sided thing, or else you start to blur the lines between being a boyfriend, a therapist and a victim of her outbursts.
If you feel like you always need to watch what you're saying or doing, if you feel like you can never let go and be irrational and understood yourself, if you always need to forgive and are never forgiven, if you always care and aren't cared for, then this is not a healthy relationship.
It should be a give and take, you should be able to switch roles and there should be equal rules for the both of you.
My advice is to NOT try anymore to be overly stable and reliable, don't exhaust yourself anymore for her. Be honest when you're angry or hurt and if she is dealing with your feelings in a very harsh and mean way, then you know this can never be an equal relationship.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Sometimes you've got to say enough is enough. She does it because she knows she can, she enjoys the drama and control she has over you. The only time this will ever change is when you turn the tables, trust me on this one. Dump her and stick to it, make her think she's really lost you, If she loves you and wants to make things work she will do whatever it takes to get you back, including ditching her childish attention seeking ways. Also a lot of people use their past as an excuse to act in completely unreasonable way during their relationships. While it may be a reason why they act out it doesn't make it acceptable, at the end of the day your the one being put through the blender and you deserve better than that. Be tough, be prepared to walk away if she doesn't change. And stop being messed around
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 This relationship is turning toxic. She's a huge drama queen n has several issues only she can address. You cant force her to change no matter how much u care. She clearly lacks a lot of basic relationship elements n I dont see how you'd waste ur time on her. Get out of it. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): Hey buddy do you know what being the second fiddle is? You are the second fiddle. She is having a relationship with a another person and is juggling you on the side. Her behaviour is borderline teenager at best. Walk away from this women she is screwed up or she is the biggest liar in the city and is ready for a academy award. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Move on and leave this b---- to her own devices. Don't even bother breaking up with her. She wont know the difference or really care anyways. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 You are a glutton for punishment. Quite frankly next time she breaks up with you run away, and don't look back.
Until she is prepared to accept some responsibility for her behaviour you are in a lose lose situation. How long are you prepared to accept that, if she isn't going to acknowledge a relationship takes two people to build then stop wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2013):
 You're trying to be stable and reliable and dependable for a person who cannot manage the same for herself. She's got issues. Obviously you've left things out from her past, but it may be that she simply cannot be medically managed with the medications she's on. She may be bipolar and hasn't been properly diagnosed and treated.
Why are you willing to take the blame, be beaten up, be wrong all the time, worry, fret, deal with the "one minute we're together, the next we're split up" thing,
The ups and downs aren't caused by you, they aren't your fault, they aren't yours to solve, either. She has to reach a point where she gets real help for whatever is causing this, either childhood trauma or a mental health issue that needs professional medical intervention.
If you have tolerated this for a long time, she's used to using you as a buffer.
If you feel lost now, unless she seeks better help for herself, you're going to continue to be lost.
What should you do? If you were my brother or cousin or friend, I would tell you to put the relationship on hold until she has gone back to get really qualified medical help. Your other choice is to go back to school yourself and get some training in mental health and how to deal with bipolar personality disorder or whatever it is she is coping with.
Unless she's willing to acknowledge that she needs help, really good help, I would distance myself from her. Encourage her to seek wellness but do not stick around to be abused and jerked around like a puppet.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Sounds like borderline personality to me. I am all for supporting individuals who want to lead a healthy normal life but one thing I won't accept is a break up, then getting back together, then breaking up again on a whim. She has to learn that she can't treat boyfriends that way. She can only learn it the hard way if you don't get back with her at all.
I had been with a guy exactly like that (yes guys can get that way too) for 3 months and I developped panic attacks and insomnia when I was perfectly healthy and content being single. You are exceptionally tolerant if you held out for the whole year.
You are not married, don't have kids and have nothing tied to her so it should't be hard to leave. Don't feel like a failure if you don't have the power to heal her. If you can't save her at least save yourself. Yes you will see on th google bright examples of people who are free from a mental disturbance but realize it's only a minority and they are the only ones who can tell you what works, for them only.
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