A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My ex is still really angry at me for taking her virginity, when we were both 24. We had been together for about 5 years before having sex for the first time, she had expained she wanted to wait until she was married before having sex. I had asked her to marry me twice (once before and once after) but she has turned me down as the timing wasnt good. I was prepared to wait, as I loved her, but I would occassionally see if she had changed her mind. One night she consented but was completely distraught after. We stayed together for another year and had sex again after but she blames me for taking her virginity before she was married. I dont know what to say to her because I couldnt have wanted to lose my virginity to a better person and she must have wanted to do it also. I dont think I pressured her, certainly not directly, but she feels immense anger towards me about it. What can I say to her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): She is being manipulative by guilt tripping you into a dead end relationship. It's already over. Admit it. Sure she has a right to put some blame onto you but she refuses to grow up and move on. Sex is consensual and she chose at that time to lose her virginity to you. Break up with her. Your sanity is at stake here. She wants to whip you into a co-dependent relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): I know you care a lot about this girl, but there's no other way to explain how bluntly I feel this opinion.She's being immature and manipulative if she blames you for this. You're better off without her if that's the way she handles her mistakes. She was a 24-year-old who wasn't even being pressured when she had sex. Search the questions on this website for 30 seconds, and you can find plenty of 14-year-olds taking more responsibility for their sex decisions even after they were coerced into sex by grown men.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): She strung you along for five years so you could argue that she took away five years of your life too. You wanted to marry her. Also , it takes two to tango , of course , you are blameless!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 It sounds like you have tried to do the honourable and right thing all along. She is clearly very upset with herself and is pushing that emotion onto you, something quite natural, especially since you had a long relationship together.
This is something she has to work through herself. In the mean time you should have as little to do with her as you can: the more contact you have the harder it will be for her to pull away from you and stop blaming you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): Hay thinking about it she couldn't have felt that bad about it because she went and did it again!!! First time yeah i can see why she would feel bad, she had her morals and thats good and she probably is kicking herself for not being that little bit stronger - but to go and do it a second time I would personally question her reaction!Im sorry to say this but if she loved you as much as you seem to love her what does it matter if you were married or not because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, can you be sure that she felt the same after all you did propose to her twice!I think you should keep out and not get involved clearly this is something she needs to work through on her own!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys. You are right, it is the anger at herself and feeling she let herself down. She also said that I am to blame though, because I knew she wanted to wait and therefore I am selfish because I didnt stop it happening. That i just did it to get what I want. I guess she has a point and thats why i feel guilty.
aaaaaaaa, thanks for the reply. After the first time she was completely inconsolable, in tears and totally devasted. It made me feel terrible because it felt like she didnt want the first time to be with me, that she regretted it instantly. She still feels the same way and it still hurts for her to say that to me. It was simply because we weren't married (I hope!!) and that was something she believed in deeply.
You guys are right, there is nothing I can say to her, and I dont think she will ever come to terms with it, or look at it as a positive as I do. Thanks again to all.
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A
female
reader, myp  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 First off it takes at leat two people to have sex (unless your going manual), that means she consented and the loss of her virginity is just as much her fault as it is yours. You asked her to marry you twice! she turned you down but she slept with you. Im going to assume you didnt rape her, seeing as you said you love her, which makes her anger unreasonable. Is she really angry at you or is she angry at herself for giving into temptation?
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I dont think you can say much to her that will help her rsolve her anger towards you. As has been sai d already her anger is at herself and not directed at you personally. She is angry that she let her own beliefs and attitudes down and therefore losing all that was held precious to her. waiting that long has meant she has really thought about this and been mind set to make sure it was with the right person at the right time (after marriage).
She has realise herself that she openly agreed to go against her feelings and long held beliefs not because she was pressured to but maybe becuase she actually relly wanted to with someone she loved. If it was a moment of illogical thought driven by lust, then again you are not the one to blame but herself for letting those feelings overcome her. As long as you didnt put the pressure on her to think in this way, i dont think you done anything wrong. If two people love each other it can be hard to resist such temptations for any period of time without at least considering the possibility.
Give her the space to realise this herself, any words from you now i dont think will help her. She must feel like she let herself down in a big big way and over time will learn to live with her choices that she has made.
R
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 It's not really anger at you, it's anger at herself for letting her principles slip away so easily. After all, if you wait until you're 24 to lose your virginity then she's probably kicking herself she couldn't hang on a bit longer. Sounds like maybe she's the kind of person who can't properly apportion blame though, and she's refecting her own shame onto you. However, if you want to stay friends with her I don't advise saying any of that to her since she will not take it well. I guess all you can is that you're sorry she feels angry about how it happened but that you can't regret it because you loved her so much and hope she eventually comes round to it but you can't say anything that will make her feel better really.
CD
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (24 May 2007):
 she is putting her shame onto you, she had this beliefe she wanted to wait until after marrige. if (as you said) you did not presureise her, then you need to talk to her. let her know your concerns. dont keep quiet about this because if you do you may regret it. maybe she is going through a rough patch (work, tired) but chick all u gotta do is talk 2 her kai bbz, mail me if u need any advice wotsoever x x x
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A
male
reader, aaaaaaaa  +, writes (24 May 2007):
You say she has "immense anger" towards you. it must have come at one point during your fist sexual experience. I think you need to revisit what happened, and realize what made her so damn angry. I guess you've tried to convince her of your love, and justify yourself, but it sounds like its not working. Bottom line is, maybe the angers coming from somewhere else, who knows. just talk to her man, be a good listener about the shit shes angry about. Or you might even be over-analyzing everything
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