A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In my opinion, I am in a very unstable relationship with my ex boyfriend. As much as I love him and want to be with him, i think he's not being fair to me and being very sketchy. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt me but he's putting me through a lot of pain. He's over all a nice guy, good mannered, great personality, which is why it's hard for me to think he may have bad intentions. When we broke up, he started dating other people. We got back in touch and he told me he was dating someone but that it wasn't serious and that he did not see it going anywhere and it was more like a friendship with them as opposed to a relationship. This was my understanding so I decided to continue talking with him and work on getting back together. From my understanding, him and I were on the same page. He's told me many times his feelings for me. There's been absolutely nothing sexual between us, just a lot of talking, flirting, deep conversations, etc. Him and I have always had a strong emotional bond. Well today I decided to ask him about this girl he's technically in a relationship with, i asked him what's the deal with them two as of now. He told me him and her have not talked much recently but that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by breaking things off. I let him know I was quite hurt by that answer and he got upset and things didn't really leave off on a good note. I can tell he gets upset when I ask about her and his intentions with me, and he doesn't seem to like to talk about it. He has not talked to me since and I'm really confused. He tells me his feelings for me and that he wants to see us together again but he's still technically dating some other girl and tells me he doesn't want to hurt her. If he loves me and doesn't see his relationship going anywhere, why is it so hard to break up with her and focus on a relationship with me? When I take a step back and look at things, it seems as if he's playing the both of us, and that's obviously not right. He's a very sentimental guy and don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt us, but I'm started to get fed up with this. What do I do?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 You never mentioned why you two broke up here, but I want you to step outside of your tunnel vision for a second, and by tunnel vision, I mean your single-purpose mission to get back with this guy at the cost of allowing your intellect to get through and reveal the red flags you're already starting to perceive.
You need to make the leap and realize that he DOES have bad intentions. Consider how he is treating his current girlfriend. All you've seen is a target to get away from her, but you've never once considered how he's treating someone he's committed to, downplaying his relationship with her while he's with you, carrying on behind her back, lying to both of you and saying it's that he doesn't want to "hurt her feelings". Come on! If he didn't want to hurt her feelings, he wouldn't be talking to you in the first place, because if she finds out he's carrying on with an ex who is trying to get him back, she will be *very* hurt, and he deserves a kick in the balls for how he's treating her.
You need to see him through different eyes for the first time. Eyes that are no longer high school eyes or college eyes. You need a guy who has the character not to be in emotional affairs with exes while with another girl. All you can see is to justify the behavior because you *are* the other girl. But consider if you get him back and he's playing around with her or another woman behind YOUR back. That's called CHEATING.
He's not being "sentimental". He's being a lying, cheating, dog. Maybe when you see him for what he is, and see that this great and true "emotional bond" is nothing but dog vomit, you'll stop wanting him back, and that's the healthiest conclusion you can possibly get to.
You can't move on when you break up with someone yet are still talking with them and carrying on. You won't be in your 20's forever, and you're wasting your youth. You won't ever get that back. Find another guy with much better character and stop wasting your time with this one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): You're stubbornly insisting he gets back together with you; so he's nursing your feelings. While dating other girls.
You're persistently imposing yourself on him under the guise of friendship. That's very typical of people who won't accept that it's over. "Let's be friends!"
That's just an excuse to retain access into your ex's love-life; and to keep constant tabs on him. Begging and pleading, and doing everything else beneath your feminine dignity.
If we looked at this for what it really is; you're the ex-girlfriend who refuses to move on. He tells you what you want to hear. You know better, and you're in total denial.
He's trying to keep the peace, bypass his own breakup withdrawal symptoms, avoid public scenes, and your emotional-outbursts. I'm wise. I've seen it all.
You're being manipulative. He calms you by telling you he is considering getting back together, because it works.
It's the only thing that soothes you. Holding on to false-hope. Getting quick little love-fixes, like a quick hit from an addictive-drug. Until he finally decides not to string you along anymore, and cuts the last threat. The thread you're clinging to in desperation.
Girlfriend, you're better than this! Seriously?!!
What are your girlfriends, and your mother telling you about this behavior of yours? Are you tired of everyone looking at you with pity? Or even disgust, if you're really really being desperate and needy!
You're not the least confused. You're just not getting things your way; but you refuse to let go.
I know what I'm saying seems harsh. It's the only way to get you to snap out of your denial, and cut the childish nonsense. You're behaving like a spoiled-brat who refuses to take no for an answer. Demanding to have the cookie.
You'll throw a tantrum if you don't get your way, and he knows you will. So he's playing you along. While seeing other girls all the same. You know he is, girlfriend!
This is where the guy is always shown to be the assh*le; while the girl is the innocent victim being played. This goes both ways. He's being the player. While you're playing the wronged soap-opera victim; ready to call foul the minute he admits he's seriously dating someone.
Then you'll go-off, have a hissy-fit, pick fights, and cause every kind of distraction you can. Even tell her he's still seeing you. He's telling her otherwise. Trust me on that! She believes him first, because she's female; and she can see right through you. If he wanted you, no other females would be in the picture. Shove your heart aside. Open your eyes, and connect your eyes to your brain. This matter requires some logic. Not foolish emotion. Be an adult, and put on your big-girl panties.
You'll do your broken-heart more good to go through the love-withdrawal process; and face the pain like a real woman.
You have to detach and move-on. It's over. He'll be agreeable just to appease you, but he's also playing you until he finds something solid enough to cut you loose. He'll be real tough about it too. You'll respond just like a drama-queen, tears and tantrums.
Either let go, and go through the post-breakup horrors; or postpone the inevitable. Get dumped!!!
The sooner you go through it, the faster you'll recover and get over him.
It's time to grow up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2016):
 He might not intentionally want to hurt either of you... but he isn't thinking of either of your feelings, he is fully thinking of ONE person only, HIMSELF.
I think he INTENTIONALLY told you something vague about the woman he is with, because he FULL well knew you didn't want to be used as entertainment or the fall back girl.
I bet you SHE has no idea he got back in touch with you. Flirting etc. So he is not being honest with HER either.
He might BE a good guy, but what he is doing isn't decent, to EITHER of you.
I'd tell him, good luck with your new relationship, I'm going to cut contact because I need to fully move on. I will not be strung along by you and I will not be you entertainment.
And then you BLOODY well BLOCK him on every thing, from phone, to e-mail to social websites.
He likes to "pretend" that he is only trying to be your friend and you have read way more into it... I bet that is what'd he would say if you pressed him for an answer.
Block him, move on and find a man that is single.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Some guys don't realize women need a lot more than sweet words, attention here and there and promises to be happy. We need a real commitment and actions to prove it. Maybe his friendship with you is to sooth his guilt. Somehow I feel it's his decision to break up with you, so he could date other people. Then he didn't want you to date other guys, or he didn't want you to have a memory of him that's painted in a bad way. So he fakes this connection with you, without caring what you really want and need. It could also be that he's attempting ex with benefits, since his new date doesn't really trust him to have sex yet.
I don't believe how he's so concerned about not hurting other people. If he's that considerate you would not have broken up, and you would still be together. He may not fit the textbook definition of player, who's out there to break women's hearts intentionally. He is a clueless guy who doesn't know what he wants in life. He wants what he can't have but can't appreciate what he has in the present moment.
You should tell him you would stop talking to him from now on because you have to protect your heart from being strung along.
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