A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd like to know why a man will do one things with one girlfriend that he wouldn't do with another.I broke up with my ex-bf nearly 2 years ago and he found a new partner very quickly. I was getting over this fairly well, until I found out all the things he was doing for her and all the pastimes that he was enjoying with her that he would never do with me, such as cooking meals for her, enjoying a hobby with her that I had been trying to encourage him to do with me, and now I find he's been on holiday with her to my dream destination and done other activities that I enjoy.So, I feel deeply upset and hurt that it wasn't that he didn't want to do these pastimes but that he didn't want to do them with me. I tried to encourage my ex bf to join me in my hobby a couple of times during the course of our relationship, but I respected the fact that he didn't want to do it so I didn't force the issue. The first time I noticed this was just before we split up - I was alarmed to see that he was enjoying my hobby with other people and he didn't ask me to join him. Several people have suggested to me that he knew that I was good at my hobby so he didn't want to join me in these hobbies in case he couldn't measure up beside me. He's cooked for her on special occasions - I didn't get that once but I didn't mind as he told me he didn't like cooking. He's bought her lovely things, yet for my last birthday I didn't even get a Birthday card which was so out of character for someone who was previously the most generous man I had ever met.Now, I've just found out they have been on holiday to my dream destination, and done all these activities that I would have enjoyed. We went on holiday once and we didn't do anything like that at all. In fact, it was as much as I could do to get him off the beach. I was so bored.He has no idea that I know about all of this so he's not doing all of this to spite me.I had good memories of our relationship, but now I've found out all the things he is enjoying with her and not with me, I feel like our relationship was very second rate. I feel I was a really cool girlfriend - I would encourage my ex to enjoy some of my hobbies but I never forced him and just respected his wishes if he didn't want to do something. Likewise, he was the same with me. I'm now wishing though that I made a bigger deal out of it. However, I can't decide whether he has had a total personality transplant or she is forcing him to do these things. It is rare for someone to have a total personality transplant (lol) but I also know from watching him with family/friends that he wouldn't be forced into doing things if he didn't want to. So, how come he's doing them with her? This has crushed whatever self confidence I had left.
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female
reader, Staticpallor  +, writes (8 February 2017):
I know this question is years old, but I came across this in a google search when I was looking for "he's doing things with her that he didn't do with me".Why did I search that? Well, that's my fear. I got out of a 4 year relationship, ended by him, and rather suddenly (despite him trying to justify that I should've known he was so unhappy. But I didn't)... anyway... so a few weeks later he's now with someone else! Regardless if I was dumped for her, or if this happened after the fact quickly, or whatever the case. It doesn't truly matter because either way they're together. But... I have this same fear. My ex and I were wonderful at the start. They all are like that. He pulled all the stops. As it progressed I noticed his true colors emerged. I still loved him! And he seemed still so into me. But he wouldn't do as much with me. And as we ended he told me flat out, "I know what you want. I just don't want to give you those things. I was so unhappy. I didn't want to go on dates, take pictures, have sex". Hmmm. And that's the same man telling me how much he loves me and misses me when I wasn't there, snuggling me, we actually had gone on a date not long before it ended, and he was over my house for Thanksgiving! We barely took pictures together since it started. His schedule didn't even always line up with mine anyway. We seemed to enjoy the time together. But as we ended I was lead to believe he would've done more with me if he wanted to basically, but just didn't want to. That sure felt great. Not. But you know what? Whether with a new girl he pulls out all the stops, whether it's because he regrets how that affected your relationship, whether she's demanding that, or he doesn't wanna lose her and make the best impression, or even if he genuinely enjoys her personality and everything about her so much and wants to do so much with her, you'll never totally know the real reason why he's essentially giving her more. it really sucks to see, but he wasn't the one. If he wanted to be the man for you, change, step it up, do more with and for you, then he would've when dating. And if he realized he missed you and regretted that then he'd probably make that apparent to you. He's with someone else and it's punishing to see what they're up to. I can attest to that. Especially if there's jealousy or sadness in how well they seem to be doing. But that's also a key word, "seem". They could break up or even get married. And that shouldn't also matter in the end. this man didn't want to give you what you would've liked in a relationship and when together. He COULD have if he wanted to, and just didn't. You made it aware of what you wanted or didn't like and he just wasn't willing to be and do that for you. I hope you found someone great since this was posted. A person who wants to be involved in your life and interests genuinely. I hope I find a man that's actually better suited for me. And will actually appreciate me and all I offer as well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): I think the key sentence here is, "I broke up with my ex-bf".
YOU broke up with HIM.
If you were trying to teach him a lesson, it worked. The other theory is that he is doing it to spite you, because he either still has feelings for you and wants to show you how he's changed, or more likely to show you what a gem of a person you dumped and how you should feel bad about it and the thought that all this is driving you crazy is the only thing keeping him off the bridge right now.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 He's doing all these fun things with his new girlfriend, not because he cares more about her than he did for you, but because he has learned his lesson. He remembers what happened the last time he played possum.
You've made quite an impression on him. Imagine what his new girlfriend would think if she knew all these fun things they do together were YOUR ideas, YOUR hobbies, YOUR dreams. She would be the one posting here on Dear Cupid instead of you, and she'd be asking us if we thought this was a sign that he still had feelings for his ex. She wouldn't enjoy these activities the same anymore because she'd always be wondering if he was still thinking of you.
I'm not implying that he still has feelings for you, because obviously I don't know that and he seems happy enough with the new woman. I am saying that you are far more significant and memorable than you realise.
He's doing all of the things he regrets not having done with you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 October 2011):
 I am so so sorry you are feeling so sad over your ex...it really does suck on a very high level.
When people first begin a relationship they want to make a good impression so they will pull out all the stops to impress. As time moves on, if things arn't working out their interest starts to wane and it doesn't matter if you are doing something they absolutely love, they just don't want to go along with it because they maybe feel it's not worth the effort if things are dying.
Its not your fault and it's nothing you did. It just seems the relationship ran out of steam and he just didn't want to be there...I am so sorry for that!!
Now he is with someone else and pulling out all the stops for her. Maybe he thinks she's the one so he's making an extra effort...it happens and it's painful to watch if you were the one left behind. You will analyse if you are still harbouring feelings.
Think about how far you have come, think about the two years you have been away from him and how you have coped and got on with your life!! He cannot take that away from you.
My best advice would be to tell yourself that you are blind to him now...don't look anymore, don't beat yourself with something you cannot change and don't dwell on the past.
He isn't the only man in the world and he wasn't the one...you deserve someone who will join you in your life and share everything with you simply because they love you.
Let his memory go...If you keep looking back you arn't going to see the next guy coming along.
Hugs and warm wishes for you. Keep your chin up xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): It's hard to know why he is doing these things with her, people change over time and different personalities work together differently. The main thing is probably to make sure in your next relationship that you don't accept that if it is making you unhappy. The way I see it he deprived you of things you could have been sharing with someone else and now he's enjoying them all with her. It's selfish. Who knows why he is doing them with her, maybe she is more demanding of him and he likes that. It probably has nothing to do with you personally, but I can understand why it makes you feel bad. You need to not get information about what they're doing, just ignore it all. Go out and find someone who will do all of these things with you.
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