A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts,my boyfriend and i have been dating for two and a half years. he's funny, honest, smart, hard-working, just everything i could want in a man. i have never connected with another person on so many levels, and i can't imagine loving anyone else as much as i love him.recently, however, an ex of mine returned to our town and has viciously proceeded to ruin everything. my ex invited my boyfriend and me to his housewarming. i was a little uncomfortable with going. but since my ex and i had moved on to other relationships, i thought it was time to let the past be the past and act like an adult. i really should have listened to that inner voice, because the party was a complete disaster. first, ex was showing off his gorgeous girlfriend. no biggie, i sort of expected that. during dinner he said that boyfriend seems to enjoy "leftovers." i knew he meant me, but he was pretending that it was just the food. after my boyfriend mentioned volunteering at church, ex proceeded to make very sarcastic, cutting remarks about religion. again, i felt like going, but my boyfriend said it didn't really bother him, so we stayed. we settled down for the movie. it turned out to be a sex tape my ex and i had made when we were dating. the bastard played the tape in front of the whole audience. "what a little slut," is what his girlfriend said. i was SO humiliated, i walked out. my boyfriend went with me, but as we were leaving, the ex cranked up the volume really loud, so the whole neighborhood practically could hear me moaning. on the way back in the car, i tried talking to my boyfriend, but he only gave me one-word responses.then on monday the ex sent a website link to the listserv at my boyfriend's workplace with the heading "SEE [MY BOYFRIEND'S NAME]'S WHORE TAKE IT UP THE ASS!" and there was a whole set of videos we had done together. i have been to the christmas parties at my boyfriend's work, so they know me, but i am not sure if i can ever show my face there again.i talked to a lawyer, but there's not much they can do besides filing a restraining order. so i did that. but i am most concerned about my boyfriend, because i don't think he trusts me anymore. he hasn't said anything, but i can tell he's more distant now. and it is killing me that he could even POSSIBLY think i would cheat on him or leave him for a CREEP like my ex.worst of all, i checked his voicemail (not meaning to spy, i just saw he had a message) and it was a girl from church. she said that she has always loved him and has saved herself for him. she told him not to throw it all away on a "damaged goods". i cannot believe this supposedly christian woman could be so completely cruel.i have not been able to eat or sleep since this has happened. every time i talk to my boyfriend, he seems to get upset and annoyed. after i confronted him about the voicemail, he said i had no right to snoop into his personal business, especially since he's had to deal with my "dirty laundry" lately.i don't know what i ever did to deserve this. it feels like everything i wanted is slipping away and i don't thiiknk i colud take it if he left if he did i would crack i wouldnt want to live anymore if he brakes my heart if he doesnt love me anymore i cant face it i cant bear it if he didagonized
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Oh I feel for you.
If I were you, I would Really think through how I can get those cd's back or destroyed.
One way, is to befriend your ex's girlfriend. Ask her, "Doesn't it make you jealous that he has these movies of us? I don't think he can 'really' move on with you, unless you ask him to break those movies..." It's definetly worth a TRY, but make sure 'ex' is not around.
For Christian advice, you can tell your boyfriend you are a new creature(woman) in Christ. The 'old life' is dead and buried. And everyone has something they regret about their past. Jesus sees us all the same.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Oh, You Poor Girl! What has been done to you is horrible and cruel! I understand your boyfriend is probably in shock over this whole thing. but for me I would've wanted me boyfriend to stand up for me right then and there, curse the ex out, and protect you from further humiliation! Your boyfried is acting like the victim, when in reality you are the victim and he should have been understanding and protective!
What I don't understand...is the ex's new girlfriend! I would have been just as humiliated as you. I wouldn't have wanted to sit and watch sex movies of my boyfriend and his ex with all those people there! This was a carefully thought out plan by the two of them to destroy your life! Don't let them do it! Talk to your boyfriend, and mention the things I have said and maybe he will realize that you are the true victim here!
I would also talk with another lawyer...if you were a high profile celebrity there would definitely action to be taken! Why not us commoners! Find an attorney that is willing to take on your case! Preferbly a woman! She will be more sympathetic! I find it hard to believe, that there is nothing legally you can do about it! I would make it my mission to see that they are punished! As for the church girl...whatever happened to "thou shall not covert thy neighbors wife/husband? I would confront her! And how on earth does she know about the incident? Is your boyfriend telling her everything? I would scrutinize your boyfriend as well! I would also confront this mean spirited woman hiding behind Christianity! Hold your head up high! You have done nothing wrong, other than your bad judgement of going to the party. I wish you luck, and the strength to continue Fighting this injustice! OOHHH! I am so pissed off right now! It also makes me leary of pictures and videos of intimate moments!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthx first of all to all aunts (and uncles) for support.
i have consulted a lawyer already. w/o going into too much detail, they said little beyond a restraining order is actionable (they did suggest intentional infliction of distress but said it doesn't usually work). if anyone could direct me to a good resource for legal advice i would appreciate.
my first priority though is my relationship with my boyfriend. it really will kill me i think if in addition to humiliating me, my ex also wrecks the good thing i have (or had).
i keep telling myself i did nothing wrong, like you said, but i can't help feeling cheap and dirty. i know this has hurt the man i love, especially since he is religious. i know people at his church and workplace joke about me now. i hope he can see past the mistakes that i have made in the past and know that i have completely left that jerk behind and really do want a stable loving relationship with him and only him.
i really am not open to making another sex tape after this experience. i trust my boyfriend, but i really do not want him to think i am that kind of girl anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): I feel absoloutly terrible for you that this could have happened. There is no way I would ever leave a sex tape with an ex i would DESTROY the evidence lol.
Look I understand that you feel that your new guy is the best thing in the world but I think that he is acting like a complet a**shole right now.
What you and your EX did sexually in your previous relationship is YOUR BUISNESS, no one elses and he has NO RIGHT to be pissed off at you at all.
YOU are the victim here not him. Im sorry to say that if he cant see that then he is not really worth hanging onto and is showing that he cannot be relied on to suport you emotionally in times of crisis.
If i were him (and im not im a girl for a start haha) I would understand that this is painfully embarrassing for you and notmake a big deal of it.
I think there are 2 things you need to do. The first thing is to talk to your current boyfriend and make it understood that you are the victim not him. If he is still acting like a sulky little bitch then ditch his arse.
Secondly the EX.....trust me you DO NOT want to know what i would do to that bastard!!!!
I feel so sorry for you but really if people are going to talk about you and bitch behind your back about some video's your vicious piece of %&*$ ex has made public they are not worth it.
Good luck :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Why your ex is showing such viciousness towards you? Hmm.. most of us are "leftovers" and "damaged goods." Your ex is one and probably his present gf too. who knows? And that girl from your boyfriend's church is pathetic. Why is she saving herself for "damaged goods"? I dont like how your boyfriend is reacting to this. But I will give him the benefit of doubt becoz it can be too overwhelming to handle indeed. You need to be strong. You did nothing wrong. Tell everyone "I dont care. It is not my fault" even when you are very worried inside. Pretend like you dont care. It works some miracles. I have experimented it. I wish things will be smooth for you soon. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): i know it's no help but let me start by saying wow i almost can't believe this is real, your ex is such an ass. i take it you were the one who broke up with him. anyway let me try to give you some advice i think could help. the first thing you need to do is remind him why he has been with you these last few years. go out of your way to do things for him, you know he loves. try not to bring up this "internet girl" it will just make you guys fight, and make him lean more towards her. also, it can be a dangerous move considering what your ex has done, but i'm sure your boyfriend now isn't such a dick, so you could make a new tape with him. really sell it, make sure he looks better than your ex. that way he won't feel so jealous. i don't think he is necessarily afraid you'll leave him, just that he is really feeling jealous in general. seriously though, think about the video, it's probably very important to him that he be "better" than your ex.
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A
male
reader, DLover  +, writes (28 March 2009):
You don't deserve to be treated like that, you seem to be a very good person.
However, it is true that you shouldn't have check his voicemail, it's a bit too much controling and would scare me off, which would cause me to overreact to any current problem.
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