A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 and I'm beginning to realize that life really can suck. My ex-husband and I had been together for two years before we got pregnant. He was uber supportive through the whole thing. But right around when our son was six months old, he got really distant.We were in the middle of planning a wedding (a wedding my father and his father were completely paying for) and my ex started wanting to see his friends more often. He didn't let up about it until I confronted him six months later; which was right after the wedding.Yeah, I know, I took a long time to actually get that angry but I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a phase; even though I was totally hoping it was...Well, he started going to parties more often while I was home doing online college and raising our son by myself. I eventually got my Associate's doing 80% online courses when I found out I was pregnant again.When I told my husband, he was indifferent about it. He wasn't supportive and all happy-go-lucky as he was about the first kid but he wasn't all depressed, either. At this point in time, I took that as a good sign.Fast forward to having our daughter (which was two years ago) and he kept "bringing home the bacon" but he never stuck around to help raise the kids. I really felt like I was a single mom raising a three year old and a newborn.Eventually, I found out he had been cheating on me with two different women for two years! And had fathered another child with one of those women! Well, of course we got a divorce but it still didn't matter. I was so hurt, I couldn't stand it!He was my first love, my husband, the father of my two children! How COULD he do that!?But now he's back from outer space and wants to work things out. I want to do that for the kids but my heart couldn't handle that bullshit again. What should I do?
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I'd be honest with him that if he wanted to give it another try, he would have to step up with the kids first and show them (and me) that he had turned over a new leaf and was ready to be the dad they need. See if he can do that. If he can't...well, he's not the kind of man you need.
A
female
reader, Zuie  +, writes (23 November 2010):
Oh my, I am so, so sorry that you went through all that. You sound like an amazing person, all you have accomplished through this is really impressive.
I'm a bit anxious to give advice in this situation. I would ask what he claims his motives are for wanting to get back together. That you phrased it "found out" makes it seem like he didn't confess to the affairs. That he had two on the go and was careful enough to keep it from you for two years but careless enough to get one of them pregnant...
I know the temptation here is to be together for the kids. Look at that logically. It doesn't sound like he's capable of treating you with any respect, and that's a terrible example for them to grow up with. He also wasn't there raising them when you were together the first time, so it doesn't seem like he's that a good father either. Also, that excuse will only last you another 20 years or so. And when they're older, your kids will realise that you're only together for their sake, and that's a lot of pressure to put on them. Knowing or at least believing that will seriously hurt them.
If I was in your situation, I'd probably feel uneasy with him having even partial custody. Only you can know what the right decision is for you and your kids. I seriously hope that your future is a lot brighter than your past.
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