A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My ex-husband and I live together in my house. We have been together for about 5 years he has a drinking problem and gets verbal abusive, he is in construction and hasn't had much work, I can't afford the house payment on my own so I am going to sell. I have not wanted to have sex with him for a long time I avoid it but when he drinks he gets mean so I will have sex to avoid a big fight. Well his son was murdered about 3 years ago and I did not want to be cruel so I have been keeping it to myself. I can no longer stand for him to touch me, he is really nice when he doesn't drink and I don't want to be alone. He hasn't been drinking lately maybe because money is tight, he knows I don't like him dinking and he has sneaked around and hid it. I have told him before that my feelings have changed but I guess when I have given in to him he maybe thinks it's ok. I really don't want to be mean but I just don't want to have sex with him and I don't know if I want sex any more. I have to tell him the truth as bad as it may hurt and his family will think I am mean.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Dear Poster
You have to think about yourself; your life and your future; you are divorced; there is no need or reason why you should allow him to be abusive towards you or why you should allow him to use you sexually; it does not matter what other people think or say; it is your life.
Sell the house and MOVE ON with your life; talk to him and make it clear that you will allow him to stay there but he needs to respect your privacy and the fact that you are not "available" to fulfill his sexual needs. Don't do things that you are not comfortable with; insist on your own space and privacy; start living your life as if he is just a friend or house mate.
If he does not agree to your rules or respect your wishes; ask him to move out.
Take good care of yourself and always keep SMILING.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (20 October 2008):
So tell him you don;t want to be with him and sell the house.
Move into the spare room and be house mates till the place is sold.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Well, you've made a decision to move on by selling the house, because, as you say, you're both just 'existing' together.
I feel sympathy for this man to have gone through a son murdered. Probably the reason he drinks to push down his feelings.
He needs a woman with a deeper love and compassion, and professional help.
I'm not saying you are mean, just that you need to get yourself emotionally sound too.
When you leave, I hope you will seek to get your husband professional help (christian counceling preferably)...he needs to talk to someone and release the grief, guilt,and heal his heart to move on in life. Please give him that gift.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I don't think you are mean, and you shouldn't feel guilty that you don't want him to touch you, or have sex with you. I am divorced from an alcoholic myself, and believe me, I know what hell they can put you through. My ex was never physically abusive, but the mental abuse was constant. I'm sorry that you feel you are in a situation where you can't leave, but it certainly can't be pleasant for you living with him. Is there no way you can get out? Find a room mate or someone but not live with him? I feel for you sweetie..been there, done that, and don't ever want to be in that kind of situation again. I had to leave myself after 16 years of marriage because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I now live 2000 miles away and sometimes when I call my son (who lives with his dad, my ex), I can hear my ex in the background drunk, ect..and it always makes me feel sick! I'm so sorry for you. Please check out other options ok? And if you ever wish to talk, please send me a message to my box. I'm here for you. Please take care. I worry if he will become abusive physically if you tell him you no longer wish any form of physical contact.
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A
female
reader, accused +, writes (20 October 2008):
 First off let me just say that being with someone who has a drinking problem is hard enough, let alone having to give into such demands just to avoid a fight, for that I commend you! On the other hand I think you should look at the over all picture and everything that is really going on with you at this moment. You should be the number 1 priority.... I am very sorry to hear about his son, however that was something out of your control. You can't continue to carry the baggage for someone else, eventually it will weigh you down... You need to find the strength to tell him that it's over and you can't continue to live your life this way, its way too short! with him being abusive "verbally" maybe you have someone that can be there with you, just in case he might get a little to irate... Every second we spend unhappy in our lives, is a second that we will never have the chance to relive... I have so many emails from people on here asking me "how do they know its really over?" My reply is: Ask yourself this question; know where you are now and where you've been If you could go back & redo this relationship, would you? If you say "NO" then its truly over.... I wish you the best...
Feel free to email me if you have anything else..
Accused
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