A
male
age
36-40,
*rihonesty
writes:I broke up with my girlfriend on my birthday almost 3 weeks ago. We haven't talked since and she feels strongly about the no contact rule. But I feel really confused about a couple of things.For a while there our relationship wasn't the best. Since returning from a six week trip she's been distant and whenever I've tried talking to her about it and getting her to open up she just tells me I'm being needy/clingy/obsessive/possessive/etc... I knew something was wrong because this was the complete opposite of who she was in the beginning where she was always adamant about making things work. We seem to have switched roles.Towards the end things were off and she wasn't working to fix anything and wouldn't ever want to talk about things. It seemed she only wanted me around for emotional support but she couldn't be there for me when I needed it. So I broke up with her and attempted to explain myself but she wanted nothing of it and she wouldn't communicate how she felt about it either. She seemed indifferent, but she did cry and seem angry.So three weeks pass and I haven't heard a word from her. I've only seen that she changed her relationship status for the first time in 3 years and 3 breakups to single on Myspace. And she told her friend that she thinks it's for good and that she's ready to meet new people and experience new things. She also just wrote a poem about how she misses me but hates me for doing what I did. But the poem also makes it sound like there's been someone else there for her that she's been potentially hooking up with or wants to.I never wanted to break up with her but because she was being difficult and wasn't reciprocating I didn't want to continue the relationship. I made a decision that I thought was best at the time for us both to get our priorities in order and realize what we want. But she's making me feel like the bad guy for doing something I didn't even want to do. And if I asked her she wouldn't even take me back right now. I sent her a letter in the mail detailing once again how I felt in hopes that it would finally get through to her after a few weeks of not talking but she hasn't responded or broken the no contact rule. So I'm just a bit frustrated and annoyed about the whole thing. It seems it's affecting her internally but she's suppressing it and just continuing to move on without thinking about anything. I'm fully aware that I may never get closure on her end about how she feels about anything but it bothers me that she hates me and is blaming me for the outcome of this relationship. Got any advice?
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male
reader, trihonesty +, writes (30 October 2010):
trihonesty is verified as being by the original poster of the question After 2 and a half weeks I felt that if she truly believed it was over than I wanted to send her what I believed was an honest letter. It wasn't a letter begging and pleading to be back with her, but it was letter of realizations and truth. I told her that I never wanted to break up with her and that if I could redo it all I would because she's the only girl that I want. I told her that for a while now I've felt like we've been distant and so I did what I thought was best for us both. I just don't think she really understands the situation or my feelings on it and so I wanted to convey it to her one last time. I asked her a few questions in the letter but I also told her that I wasn't expecting a response or disclosure on her perspective on the whole thing. I told her that I didn't want to move on and I only wanted to take the time to be better for myself and us both but that if she was ready to that I'd join her in that process and leave her alone.
Because I still love her, I guess writing the letter was supposed to get her to open up and talk to me so that we could work things out. But she's obviously not into the idea which hurts because it seems like she just doesn't care at all. And it also hurts because I'd rather have her in my life than not at all. I know this girl like the back of my hand and so I'm worried that she may never talk to me again or reconsider anything. I feel like she isn't thinking about the relationship and only worried about what's ahead. Which there's nothing wrong with, but it's just so disappointing to see it end the way it has. I'm perfectly fine with giving her her space. I just don't want to be forgotten.
This was our third breakup. The first time I told her I needed space and she bothered me for days not giving me that space. The second time she wanted a break and I bothered her for weeks. This time I told her I just wanted to flat out breakup and she recommended a break to just think about things but I said that we should just break up because she doesn't believe in breaks anyway and I didn't want to bullshit her. I think that probably bothered her a bit and she thought I genuinely didn't want to be with her so we haven't spoken at all in almost 3 weeks and it's been tough. I don't know when she's gonna be okay to talk and I don't even know what I'd say when the time came. I'm a mess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I doubt whether she HATES you (long term), she's just angry and hurt right now. It's only been three weeks since the breakup.
From her perspective, she was unexpectedly dumped, and it's usually much harder for person on the receiving end. Even if she hadn't been content in the relationship for a while, and deep down recognises that you did the best thing, it's still a blow to the ego to be the 'dumpee'. Naturally, she's going to feel as though you're the villain in these first raw few weeks...
It doesn't sound as though there's much you can do other than to back off and give her space.
Finally, I'm not sure what your real motives are for contacting her - it sounds as though you're more interested in salving your OWN guilt over the breakup than genuinely caring about HER feelings on the situation. Pressuring her into giving answers when she's hurt and angry isn't fair on her - or either of you (she might lash out and say rotten things just to hurt you back, which will be upsetting for both).
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