A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 16 and last year i split up with my boyfriend we were together for 2 years. He has a new girlfriend now and i am still single, though i am seeing other guys. i still think i like my ex and i believe i did love him, i don't know whether i am just jealous of his new found love or if i still think something could happen.....please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Hello there,
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Don't worry though many people have been through the same kind of thing.
I do not know what the exact reasons were for you two splitting up, but there seems to be something unresolved in you. In general getting over the end of a relationship is almost always painful, and the getting over period can vary in length.
You sound like you are going through heartbreak, and maybe I could help? If you don't mind me boring you with psychology stuff?
When your with your boyfriend you have pleasant experiences. These slowly get etched into your mind. You get used to having a boyfriend and then it starts to fill your imagination in a good way. Like sitting a train by yourself and wondering what he's up to. Your mind gets programmed to "deal with" a boyfriend.
Then a break up can happen. Suddenly your boyfriend isn't there but your thought process continues running but with a boyfriend in it. The "getting over" period usually means de-programming youself and getting set fresh again. However it doesn't always go away so easily, and especially people who have an intense creative or imaginative side tend to struggle more, as their imagination is creating new scenarios involving the ex based on the behaviour they've gotten used to. Thougths like "What's he doing now...?" and "What if he and I...?" and "Maybe we could do this...?"
It's these thoughts that make people unhappy, when getting over a relationship.
This may sound a bit nuts but it does make some sense. You were in a habit of having a boyfriend but you never really got out of the habit when he went?
Let's leave the psychology stuff for a bit and go on to a bit of logic. There was a reason you two split up - I am sorry I do not know what that i, but generally if there are minor relationship problems then they can look to be worked out. Break up will happen for larger issues that don't look likely to be fixed. So there may not be any true reason to try again.
As for the getting over part, you have made good progress from what you say in moving on as you are seeing other guys. Don't worry there are ways to "reset" you brain to de-program it. A good technique is called framing, and you disassociate yourself from the memories/thoughts of your ex. Sorry don't have space here to go into detail about it here, but there is a book you can get in the Relationships/Psychology sections of Waterstones or WHS Smith called "I Can Mend Your Broken Heart" by P McKenna & H Willbourn... and its definately a great read, and will also help you in the future.
I'm not sure if you are jealous. Do you bad-mouth his girlfriend? Do you not like her? Do you feel any animosity towards her? If you answered yes to those questions then yes you are likely feeling jealous. But in any case that won't help you overall, until you get out of you thought process with your ex in there.
Sorry if that all sounded bizarre, but I hope in some way you understand why you feel the way you do.
Please take care and feel free to post or message again.
M
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