A
male
 ,
*ecentguy1
writes:Hi,I'm a male, 40, and was engaged to an amazing girl 5 years ago. I messed up, and she called the engagement off, and despite my efforts, wouldn't get back with me, and she has since met someone and gotten married. I know this question seems like, "ok, and what don't you get?" but here's the story. I was her first boyfriend lover etc..and we had in my opinion one of the best relationships i've personally ever had. She loved me deeply, and that is why she (i believe) wouldn't take me back, since i hurt her so deeply..howver, since 2003, we have been in touch with each other alot. Like every 2 weeks or so, e-mails, possible meetings for lunch etc..when i see her, i feel alive, and she acts the same way...i still LOVE her hugely, and lately, she has been unhappy with her marriage...she tells me that they barely see each other, she does her thing, he does his, and she goes out w friends. they don't do much as a couple (we on the other hand did everything together)...now, i only want her happiness, truly, and she called me last week to say "hi" and see how i was... i want to write her a later, and let her know how much i miss her in my life, and want to be with her...i never did that, and lately she seems sad...she told me that she hopes i will never stay out of her life, because of what i mean to her, and her i...so what do i do? do i tell her i'll be there for her, or write her that letter..she told me last week as we had dinner, (yes, dinner) that she compares all her relationships to ours...this guy she's with now doesn't treat her bad, just sort of ignores her....help, i love her deeply...thank you
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 I agree cool it, offer friendship not love at this stage and allow her to work out alone what she must do. Do not offer her an escape route as she may only be taking it to escape him. If she leaves him then see where she wants to go from there, you need to know if she truly loves you and wants to make it work berfore you proceed so you dont get hurt again x I hope it all works out for you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Descentguy 1, my advice is to cool it. If she contacts you, then be a sympthetic friend, but promise nothing and encourage nothing. This is something she must deal with and decide on. Don't become an active part of any break-up. It can be messy and can come back to haunt. If she makes the break with her present on her own, then you are free to renew the relationship. Take care. Tom
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