A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was with my boyf for 8 years. We broke up in June. I started seeing someone new in August. Things with this new guy were going great. I've totally fell for him and see a long term future for us. I have met up with my ex on a few occasions, as we were together a long time and had a few things to sort. The last time we met I went to the bathroom he got hold of my phone and saw texts to the new guy. I didn't want to hurt him so told him it was only a one time thing. After that time I knew I could never see my ex again. He started doing odd things like driving past my house, turnin up in the middle of the night. I didn't tell my new guy as I was worried it would chase him away. He knew I had an ex and that we only broke up in June but he knew no more. On Friday night I was tagged in a status on facebook with this guy as we were out with friends. I thought nothing of it. The next day my new guy has 26 missed calls off an unknown number. I still think nothing of it. I left my new guys house around dinner time. Then a couple of hours later my ex arrives telling me hes rang my new guy and told him that were still together and never broke up. He said the new guy believed him. He said he did it because he still loves me, wants me back and it was the only way. My new guy was also my supervisor (hes moved to a diff office now - my ex then said if my new guy ever contacted me again then he would inform work. I then noticed my new guy hasn't told me about this, he had also deleted me off facebook and off twitter. I rang my new guy and explained that it was a psycho ex and I was sorry. He said he didn't believe me at first then he kept flitting between believing me and not believing me. I apologised and said I should have told him about my ex. In the end he said he didn't want all that drama and that had to be the end of us. We did end on good terms as in he said he cared for me etc. but I couldn't blame him for what hes said. Ive blocked my ex off all social networking sites and blocked his number. Ive also been to the police about his 'harrassment'. The thing is I really love this new guy. I really think he could have been 'the one'. Is there anything at all I can do?
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female
reader, KC12  +, writes (17 November 2013):
 First, off I think your new boyfriend was afraid of being a "rebound." Most people don't want to be in that category. The first guy I dated after my divorce was reluctant to get involved with me for that very same reason, and that's one of the reasons why it ultimately didn't work out.Secondly, your ex has major issues and that contributed to scaring the new guy off. There are people who avoid drama at all cost...and your BF might be one of them. He also maybe was fearful that your ex was psycho enough to become physically violent. You should really get rid of your ex, completely. Remove him from the situation, and don't look back. You may have to take legal action such as a "cease and desist all contact" letter. Finally, you should be more honest with your new bf (and any men you'll get involved with in the future.) If you have nothing to hide, then you have no reason to be dishonest. Let things cool down, and the new guy might be willing to talk things out...As time goes on, and communications with the ex cease, the new guy will see that the situation has diffused itself and it's safe to be involved with you...And, if not just move on. You'll be stronger and find someone who will stick by you, even when times are tough.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 November 2013):
 I fear the damage has been done. You made the mistake of meeting up with your ex while you were with a new guy, and not telling the new guy. If you had "things to sort" with your ex, then you weren't ready to get into another relationship.
Your new guy made the right call. You brought the ex back into your life, didn't let the new guy know, lied to the ex, lied to the new guy, and your ex turned out to be a psycho.
It goes without saying that your co-workers are not good choices to date for obvious reason.
But seriously, don't ever speak to an ex again if you're with someone else. I had an ex one time ambush me at my work when I walked off to lunch, and he "invited" himself. I told the guy to leave me alone and don't ever show up there again. I then *immediately* told my boyfriend what happened - I didn't even wait to get home. I called him and gave him the details. Relationships must have complete and utter honesty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): No, you lied and deceived the new guy about your ex. You should have been up front about it the whole time so he could have been prepared.
I wouldn't want anything more to do with you either, I mean come on would you really want to keep trying with a guy who can't handle his ex and had been meeting her behind your back?
That said if I was in your shoes I wouldn't give up. Give it a month or enough to time for your ex to be gone completely and you to be completely drama free. Then you can ask him to lunch and explain that it's all over etc.
For the future OP be up front about things, especially when you're going on dates with another man, you may like to call them "meetings" to "sort things out" but they're actually dates.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 November 2013):
Take a breath.....you need to clean up your last mess. You need to tell your ex that you are moving on. You need to stop having contact with him in any form. You are giving him the wrong impression by still "beginning" with him.Your ex's behavior is very scary. It is unhealthy and may cause you danger. You need to tell him that you are cutting him out of your life and if he contacts you again you are going to the police. Keep a diary of dates/times and places that he shows up. Yes, it is a lot of work but will help you for a police investigation. I say again, your ex is a very scary dude.As for the new guy. Leave him alone until you have finished what you have started. He may be the one for you but your actions has showed him that you are not ready to move on from your ex. Get your stuff together or this ex will follow you around for a long, LONG time!
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