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female
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anonymous
writes: Okay, please please help. Boyfrend has recently dumped me, I begged him to change his mind but he wouldnt. Cried loads and everything but he said it wasnt right, he was almost convinced that we dont have a long term future together. He then said we had to act as if we were broken up for good or we would never move on at all.I am desperate to get him back. He has just emailed me after a long silence and said " Are you feeling okay/ better about things with us now?"What do I say? Is it best to act as if i have moved on and am fine to try and convince him im not the needy desperado he must think? Or will this just convince him that everything is fine and he can go and pull someone else? I thought if i acted cool he may remember why he fell in love with me in the first place? Me saying the truth and that I am really unhappy still and desperately want him back still isnt going to help here is it?As much advice as possible would really help. Im so down.
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 Begging for someone to take you back out of pity is not the answer.
Either he wants you or not. Simple as that.
Email is not the ideal tool to have a mature and deep conversation about a relationship.
Face to face is the answer. Establish is the relationship has ended for good or not by talking to each other.
if he said it is the end. Accept it gracefully, keeping your self respect and do not contact him.
That is the way forward to allow you to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): Stina, Dagwood and Optimistic have given you some really good recommendations.
All I would add is that since he emailed you after a long silence (how long was it, though since you tell us he "recently" dumped you?) is that you not be in any hurry to respond.
No harm would be done by imposing a silence of your own for a month. Not necessary to tell him not to contact you, either at this point. He'll get the message if he doesn't hear from you.
Basically, I think you should proceed on the assumption that you are not going to get him back (no matter how much you may want to) and that broken-up is just that: ended, done, finished, over with. He's someone who was in your life once, but is no longer. He's history. And yes, I know this is painful.
But look: he told you the relationship wasn't right; he was "almost" convinced there's no future in it, and that you had to act as though you and he were ended once and for all, or you wouldn't be able to move on. No man or woman makes those statements to his/her bf/gf without having given it serious thought beforehand. Evidently he has not changed his mind in the interim. I think maybe he asked how you are feeling now because he DOES in fact care that the break-up was so hurtful for you - but that does not mean he now wants to resume with you.
You are right in saying that to let him know you are needy and desperate, or act as if everying is just fine, will not help - that's why its better if you just leave it alone at present.
He doesn't need to know how you are doing. IF he SHOULD decide he made a mistake (unlikely as that is) then don't worry, he will be emailing, phoning, etc. to tell you so!
Meantime, get on with your life with family, friends, things you enjoy doing, and allow yourself space to begin healing from this disappointment!
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A
female
reader, Optimistic +, writes (15 January 2007):
 I think stina has it well covered but I would add that you could consider answering his question with a question... in a very nice way you could ask " I wonder why you are asking me this question now after you said that it was better for us both to move on. Am I right in assuming that you have already moved on?" then from his answer you can judge how to respond.. it is not fair for him to ask you without letting you know his position.. if he does not answer he does not care enough - if he indicates he has moved on you know what to do but if he open up a possible line for resolving things you can also respond as you would like but I would agree that if you do have a green light then try to be a little hesitant to admit too much till you know more.... good luck
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Hi Anon,
I agree 100% with what Stina says. He might be feeling guilty or just need his ego boosted as he's not getting a positive response from someone else he's trying to attract.From personal experience I think you should have no contact at all for at least 2 weeks to 1 month. Tell him to give you a break and not to contact you at all. Go out with your family & friends and do things you enjoy. It hurts but you can get over it. The more you think about, communicate with and see him the more it will hurt. You'll find someone else, be strong. Take care. Dagwood
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Hi there anon,
If I were in your position, I would just tell him not to worry about it. While he might still care about you because you're his ex, it's not really any of his business how you're doing at this point.
If you were doing great and moved on and didn't have a care in the world about the break up, would that make things different for him? If after he finds out that you're doing okay and that makes him want you back - is there any real potential for a relationship to last for this reason alone? I think that would be setting yourself up. (There are other scenarios that could happen if you were over him, as well.)
And if you tell him that you aren't over the break up, isn't that going to be awkward for him (and you)? Is he just going to go back and ignore you after having you spill out your feelings to him? Or is he going to come around and comfort you - which may make it harder for you to get over him? What's the sense in that?
I'd be interested to know why he's asking you. Does he want to be friends or something? Being friends with him at this point when you're not over him is not a good idea at all. It would be a heartbreaking experience if he were to tell you about a new girl he's seeing after spending more time with you as friends and not allowing you to get over your relationship ending. In my opinion, he shouldn't be putting you in a weird state like this regardless of what he really wants. If he really cared, he'd leave you be.
Like I said, if I were in your position I would simply tell him not to worry about it.
Take care.
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