A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My situation is all over the place and I am torn apart inside. 4 years ago we broke up after a great 2 year relationship. We were young. We broke up when I was 19 and she was 17. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs (mostly weed, which is just not my thing) and it totally changed her personality. She went from one of the most beautiful classy girls I have ever seen till this day to a trashy pot head. During the 4 year time period, she contacted me a couple times. Saying that she missed me and that she has been hurt really bad by a couple guys. I apologized and said to her "I just want you to be happy, whether its without me or not and I am sorry that you were hurt." She wanted to get together for drinks. I declined and didn't respond most of the time because I mostly moved on and was still hurt very badly for her leaving me and didn't want to get my feelings started up again. When she left she cheated on me on my birthday. I spent the night trying to find where she was my whole birthday night, which happens to be new years eve. I finally got to the point that I was over the situation, could forgive her but really didn't want anything new to spark up, although I still loved her deeply. All these times that she tried to contact me she had a boyfriend, which I thought was weird. She then ran into me at a football game and we sat next to each other for a couple quarters and had a good talk about her and what she has been up too.Ironically, one month before I was to start medical school I got word that her mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Me, being a nice guy reached out to her mother and thought it would be a good idea to get lunch. Sure enough my ex showed up. We were both shaking uncontrollably at the table and you could tell after all this time and no contact there was still that spark there. She and her appearance, however kind of turned me off. She had different color hair, earrings in her nose ( a big hoop) and one in her lip. She looked rather trashy. She also had tattoos on her neck and feet (and later to find out, one on her vagina with her ex boyfriends name on it) which I also felt were rather trashy but it didn't stop the way I felt about her. That night turned into shopping at the mall for medical school....dinner....movie.....then kissing....it was magical really. I've never felt so whole in my life to have her back in my arms. We then went to a concert together and she cried the whole time and spent the whole night crying in my arms, telling me how much she regretted what she did to me and how she wishes she never did what she did and that she would take it all back if she could. She then spent the next day crying in front of my mother explaining how the last 4 years have been hell and how I treated her perfect and i'm a perfect guy and will do anything to make it work while I am away at school.Well, I melted and gave into her. The first two weeks were great. We went to dinner, went to movies, got some drinks at the bar together and everything was going smoothly. After the first two weeks she starts acting weird. Telling me she doesn't think she can handle me going away to Medical school and that she is selfish and needs attention. I immediately got scared at this point. She knew I was going to school and said she would do anything to have me back and prove to everyone that she messed up (which my whole family didn't buy). The last two weeks before I left got real rocky. She started going out to her normal clubbing scene with her normal friends (which i'm really not a fan of- b/c of all the drug use). I didn't stop her and let her go and told her to have fun. Weird thing is, she was also going out with her ex boyfriends brother and his family too. I find out just into the relationship that they just broke up not too long ago (they were living together with this brother who she works with and considers her best friend). So now when she was out until 5 A.M every morning I was starting to get nervous, especially since I had the trust issue before but I tried not to smother her, knowing she would freak. But it was rather difficult knowing she was out with her ex's family. I told her I thought it was weird but she shot that down saying that these are her friends. The weekend before I left was supposed to be our weekend. We had planned a trip to Canada to see Niagra Falls and go to the casino. She started acting really weird this day. That day I gave her a $500 neckless with our stones on it and said "no matter what happens between us, ill always love you." Already knowing she wasn't comfortable with me leaving and seemed to be distancing herself from me before I left. Well that day I get a call from her best friend saying did you and (X) break up? I laughed and said I don't think so, I just gave her a nice neckless. I check my facebook...the relationship status switched to single and I get a message from her ex boyfriend saying "i hope you know she is just using you to make me jealous." She then gets upset, saying he hacked into her facebook and changed the status of our relationship. After being all upset, she says she doesn't want to go to the casino but I should still go with my friends to the casino so I do. She also made the point to me earlier in the day (which started an argument) that she has experimented with cocaine and that its around her often and that she still loves going out. She also said that she knows she wants to be with me in the end but that she doesn't like the situation but still thinks it can work. That night she blew me off. She went out while I went to the casino. She texted me saying I still want to see you tonight though. well 4 A.M rolled around and I freaked out, sending a text message saying. " Thanks for ruining our night. don't ever talk to me again. Ill always love you though." Grant it I was pretty drunk and upset because of what she told me about the cocaine and how she still smokes pot often and she ruined what was supposed to be our night. I tried calling her a million times that night. No answers. Then I got a call at 5 A.M from some guy saying, "leave (X) alone." Next day I get a call from her best friend saying, "I think (X) did cocaine last night, she was really messed up when I called her, do you know where she is?." Then her mom called me and told me her dad picked her up at a hotel with THREE guys and that they were now all at her apartment, ex boyfriend and all. The ex boyfriend was crying over the situation. I thought I would die after hearing this. I didn't call her the next day. she called once but I didn't pick up. I didn't know what to say. Then the day before I left for school I said, "i honestly don't know what to say to you." She responded with, "I didn't sleep with three guys. I slept next to one guy because my ex boyfriend was chasing me around all night." She said this in an offensive tone, like I was doing the accusing. As soon as I get to school she completely cuts me off. She said that I cannot be with someone who loves me but doesn't like anything about me. I party until 4 A.M every night and you hate that I smoke weed. She also said, "and you resent me for all the things I did in my past and all the things that I do." Its an unhealthy relationship. Then She just signed off. Didn't want to know how my moving into school went or anything. It broke my heart because I took a huge risk after she broke my heart and gave her a second chance because she said she needed me and begged me to trust her. She said I was the "void" for all the bad stuff shes done. She even told me she wanted to marry me and told me what our kids would look like. Its been three months since that conversation. I couldn't believe the way she talked to me after all i've ever done for her and how she just cut me off in one of the biggest transitions of my life, with no support. I totally blocked her from my life because I really think its better to move on from her. I cannot trust her obviously and its pretty clear she has some kind of drug/personality problem. I am trying to become a physician...a pretty tough goal, and negative people like her just bring me down I feel. There is no doubt that I love her and wish things could be the way when we were young. But according to her, "she has changed drastically and I've stayed the same." Which is weird because that is why she said she needed me. Because I am the person I am. Thoughts? Sorry for the long story but I feel like you need to hear it all to understand fully. I've been doing rather well in school luckily and took some anti-depressants just to get out of bed for the first couple months. This really took a shot at me because I felt played. I felt like I was used and abused and put in a no win situation that I didn't deserve. I thought forgiving was a good thing, but it blew up in my face.Thanks for the help,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys! I know what I have to do and I know it would never work with her anyways. My family cannot stand her and she has a bad rap all around where I am from. I was warned by many to stay away from her but love is blind I guess. I don't regret taking a chance on love, I just it worked out and I don't feel the way I do now. And if I deeply think about this, I know I am not going to marry someone who is trashy and on drugs and is as selfish as she is. Thanks for the responses again and ill do my best to push forward!
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (19 September 2010):
 This girl is a manipulative b*tch and you need to FORGET ABOUT HER. One thing about drug addicts: they know how to get what they want when they want it. Period. I don't care if you love them or not. This girl does not love you, and my guess is that she never has. I'm sorry to be so harsh about your situation, but I just want you to realize the truth of your relationship with this girl.
You seem like a very nice person. I would just like you to see that you can do SO much better than this girl. She mentioned that you don't change, when it's clear that SHE won't change, and your story proves it. She came back to you claiming that she had changed because that's what she knew you wanted to hear. Of course. She wanted you to give into her until she could get away with her old habits again. The fact that you've given her so many chances shows that you're quick to forgive, but please, she's not worth it, and she's definitely shown you that.
Please DO NOT contact her again. If she tries to contact you, ignore her, or politely tell her that you no longer wish to speak to her. She's not worthy of you in any way shape or form. Give this up and find someone who loves you like a woman should.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 September 2010):
You sound like an extremely nice, mature guy, and the truth of the matter is that your ex doesn't deserve you. In nothing you said did I see her respecting you, herself, or the relationship. She cheated on you then played on your feelings for her. Apologized but didn't back up any of her words with actions. Finds clubbing and drugs more important than a romantic trip with you. She doesn't have her life in order, and you do - going to school, getting good grades. You still love her, but I think you see that it wouldn't work. And even if you love her I don't think you respect her or her choices. You can't change her or save her. You're only responsible for yourself. Just focus on your school and life and take heart in the fact that you've been a great boyfriend. And hopefully you will find a great girlfriend next time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto male reader anonymous,
Yea I still love her like crazy. I told her even after the three guy thing in the hotel room that ill do anything to make it work. she backed down and walked away and basically told me she can't be with me because I don't approve of her drug use, which I don't. I can't be around that anyway, I am going to be a Doctor, I could lose my license. And don't you think I should have more self-respect for myself and just move on? Its the second time she has cheated/screwed me over? she cannot possible love me. and its obviously no where near how much I love her
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): First, I think you are a very nice guy because you have given her a second chance even though she treated you so badly on your birthday.
Second, I think you should just move on but still be her friends. And I am sure you will meet other girls that are much better than her later in your life.
Third, I believe she thinks she can gain your love very easily because you treated her so well after the relationship had ended four years ago and all the things you did to her when both of you were together again.
Lastly, just do whatever you think is right. If you truly love her, you would not mind her past. So, if you still love her then I think you should go and get her back.
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