A
female
age
41-50,
*illy Single
writes:Let me start by telling a bit of the past. Many years ago, approximately 14 yrs ago I had this boyfriend and we were pretty serious and very close. We dated for almost a year and we broke up because my Mother demanded that we do so and would punish me otherwise.Not so long ago I found said boyfriend, he is married to the girl he dated after me and they have children together. Only he tells me that he has wanted a divorce from her a lot and doesn't for obvious reasons, after all 11 years with someone is a long time and children dont make divorce easier. I felt there was a chemistry there and that when I seen him face to face he was making comments about us and how we use to be etc. I am sure a lot of it was nostalgia and reminiscing. My dilema is I am having feelings for him. I am not acting on them. Though I feel that perhaps he feels somewhat the same way. I am careful with this because I dont want to make Something out of Nothing.Should I avoid him all together because he is married and know that even though we have mutual feelings towards eachother nothing can come of it. Would it be morally and ethically wrong of me to just wait and see what happens and keep our conversations appropriate?
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female
reader, Silly Single +, writes (30 July 2008):
Silly Single is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not want to make the question very long, but I think I might have to elaborate some, before I do that let me say Thank You to those that have responded honestly. All of what was said has gone through my mind as well, though emotions sometimes are not easily defined and can muddle up the intellectual.
Firstly the age is right for the gentleman who remarked about shouldnt my question be 2 years old...I am 27 and We dated when I was 14-15. We were more serious than people our age and having had relationships and a marriage under my belt I *still* see that we were pretty serious.
As for him wanting to be divorced, he admited to me that he "stayed for the kids, i guess". His wife is also one that has a violent temper and has acted on it. *That* I learned not from him, but his Mother. So I know it wasnt a line he was giving me about wanting to leave but staying for the kids, He stayed with this girl because she was pregnant by someone else and he wanted a family, even at age 17, and so took on his now wife and her unborn son at that time.
Moreso, we dont live in the same state, not now. I have made arrangements to move back there, assuredly for other reasons.
As for Sparks, they are nice and flattering (who wouldnt love to see an ex after 10 years and feel beautiful to them still?) but I dont want to get burned and I seriously do not and WOULD NOT EVER ask him to leave his family. Seeing as I am now a single mother myself I understand how important family is.
This "There is a danger that what he feels is driven not only by nostalgia but by comparing memories of being happy with you against the feeling unhappy with his marriage." Seems to be an overtone of the whole thing, though it is still confusing, because I get the feeling that there is *something* there (unfinished business, lust, love, nostalgia etc) but there is no way to definatly define it without outright asking him, and I really am not ready to do that and make an Ass of myself. But on that note he has told me more than once that he wished I had stayed with him and he wonders how life would be different.
Again, I appreciate ALL feedback and take everything said here into consideration, I wanted to add this on to explain a bit more in case someone has more insight, I am all ears.
To the young woman who is now struggling with her situation, I do not see how his divorce is your fault if he was already seperated. Also you are right, encourage him to stand on his own before jumping in with you right away. Allow time for transitioning. :D chin up!
Thank you all again!
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 This is a man who runs away from his problems instead of confronting them. And if you are not careful your dalliances could make you a homewrecker.
Let's say you and this guy end up together. What makes you think he wouldn't run away from you when the going gets tough?
If you want to avoid headaches, avoid people with baggage like this guy. His self-centred selfishness will suck the life out of you. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): if there are sparks, let them fly. the divorce seems genuine as you stated you were very close to him for almost a year and the only reason you broke up with him is because of your....mother, Lol.
who knows, maybe you'd be his wife if you went with him those 11 yrs ago. its obviously goin to be hard on the kids, but if their young you could be a "Aunt" and not have to explain it all if you catch my drift.
if you think that it can work, why not?..
your years seem a little out of whack, wouldnt this question technically be 2 years old?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): why don't you tell him to sort out his situation and contact you if he ever becomes available again. The guy I’m currently with was also married for 11 years with children. I met him while he was separated. We started dating before the divorce, and now after the divorce, it has created many problems. I had to spend a lot of time telling myself that I didn’t cause the divorce. It was a struggle not to feel like a homewrecker, and it was bitterfully painful to see how much pain the divorce was causing him. When I finally met his young children, one of them said to me towards the end of the summer visit “It’s really fun living at Daddy’s....But it was more fun when the whole family lived together.”
The struggle not to feel like a homewrecker for the most part has passed—there were clear reasons for a divorce--but I still feel like I’m taking care of him. Part of me believes that if I wasn’t in the picture, he would not have divorced his wife—not because he wanted to be with her, but because he was too scared to take care of himself. I wish I told him to stand on his own two feet first. He keeps promising to get back on track soon with a second job (the one he has right now is part-time and he is behind in rent), but I am very doubtful that things will work out between us. I feel like I am his mother. He was living with his mother during the separation. I believe the reason he doesn’t work very much is because of his depression, and that he is just too scared. I think the divorce has turned him into a child.
I am telling you this because even though it will be really hard to push this man away, it will be extremely challenging to make a relationship work when he has not had anytime to recover from the divorce. A divorce is very painful, and dating someone while going thhrough the divorce will create a lot of problems in the new relationship. I believe if we waited, and he did in fact get over his divorce, we would definitely work out as a couple, but right now our future looks pretty bleak.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 There is a danger that what he feels is driven not only by nostalgia but by comparing memories of being happy with you against the feeling unhappy with his marriage.
In other words, whatever he may be feeling it might be false, driven not out of love for you, and based on old thoughts and "the grass is greener" syndrome.
Of course, maybe there is "unfinished business" between the two of you and if he was available you could get together and live happily ever after.
If you are both capable of having a friendship that won't impact on his marriage and any decisions he might make about that then there is no need to avoid him. On the other hand, if that is not the case because feelings get in the way, the honourable thing to do would be to back off and give him the time and space to decide what he wants to do about his unhappy home life.
I can tell you are concerned about becoming a third party in his marriage, which makes me confident that you would ensure that any friendship was conducted entirely appropriately.
There would be nothing wrong in just waiting to see what happens, but I would hate to think of you putting your life on hold on the off chance that he becomes available and that it would work between the two of you.
He might never decide to leave his wife, so make sure that you maintain a full social life and meet plenty of people too. You never know, you might just meet the right person for you that way as well.
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A
male
reader, Shipwreckd +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Whoa there. Turn off the feelings. Nostalgia is great, but he's married with kids. He's either a) looking for an easy way out of his marriage, or b) looking for an easy way out of his marriage.
There's an old expression "Play with fire, expect to get burned." I think that applies here.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping conversation appropriate...but what do you mean by "see what happens"? That's the part I would have to say you'll need to watch out for.
Good luck!
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