A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll apologise for the long post but I'm in a very confusing place and desperately need advice. My now-ex boyfriend broke up with me at the end of April. Two days after we broke up, I went to his house and spoke to him about it. After we'd finished talking he asked for a kiss and a cuddle and later asked for another kiss as we were leaving his house. These kisses weren't simply friendly or a kiss on the cheek or a quick peck on the lips, they were affectionate and intimate. I'm still not sure why we really broke up. We weren't arguing or falling out and things were lovely. He told me he'd been meaning to tell me for a couple of weeks but didn't want to hurt me but he thought we should 'just be friends'. Yet even until the end, he was still very affectionate. The night before we broke up he was all over me and the day we broke up he was kissing and biting my neck - an unnecessary level of affection if you don't want to be with someone as it was voluntary, surely if you didn't want to be with someone you would give as little affection as you could get away with.We continued to go out to dinner and do things such as bowling, with him insisting on paying each time. This was mostly because we had a holiday booked that neither of us could realistically get out of due to the holiday company saying they couldn't change the name on the tickets. Whilst we were out, he would frequently look into my eyes like he was completely enamoured with me. The flirting began in the hotel we stayed in the day before we flew. He would push me off the bed and smirk at me like he used to or he'd brush my skin 'accidentally'. He also said it wasn't worth bothering changing the room to a twin room, so we shared a bed for 14 nights. On holiday, it became obvious to other people that there was something between us - apparently the sexual tension was obvious. According to someone we met, she thought he was acting very much like my boyfriend - he couldn't take his eyes off me: with desire sometimes and other times with love. He was also very protective of me and obviously flirty and playful. One night he woke me up by caressing my cheek and gazing at me. The next night, he woke me up rubbing his foot on mine. He would also smack my bum and these are all things he used to do when we were an item. They are also things you wouldn't do to someone you only wanted as a friend - they are intimate and show feelings for the recipient. A few times I thought he was going to try and kiss me, but I was being quite on guard with him as I don't want to get hurt again. But he kept reminiscing on things that happened when we were together when he was talking to other people and kept using couple pronounce such as 'our' and 'we'. A few days after we returned, I sent him a text thanking him for a lovely holiday and relationship but that I couldn't be his friend as I love him. I also mentioned the fact that he gave me the impression there was still something between us. I apologised for saying goodbye through text and told him I wished him the best. He didn't respond to me. We work together and he told a mutual friend that he 'just didn't know how to reply'. Another work colleague asked him if he had a nice holiday and he said he had an amazing time but if WE were going to go back, WE would go for 3 weeks instead of 2. She mentioned she got bitten by flies on her holiday and then she told me that he launched into a conversation entirely about me. Starting with mentioning I got bitten by lots of mosquitos, he proceeded to tell her about things I did. Not things we did together such as the outings we went on but things I did such as falling over a suitcase or saying something funny. She said it was strange because he was talking with adoration and she wondered why he was talking about ME and not what we did on the holiday. On top of this, he's behaving strangely with a colleague he believes I have something with, calling him 'friend' in an accusatory tone etc. I really don't know what to do. I love him but I'm tired of being upset over this. If he doesn't want to be with me, why is he acting like there's still something there. He can't be oblivious to the signals he's giving off as they're not subtle. If he doesn't want me, I want to be able to move on but for that I feel like I need closure and the truth - why we really broke up and why he acted how he did on holiday. He needs to be consistent - either he needs to say he doesn't want me and act that way or admit he does want me. I'm worried that if I try and talk to him about it, emotion will take over and I won't say half of the things I want to. But I'm also unsure whether to write this off completely or fight for something that feels so right.
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broke up, flirt, kissing, move on, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 July 2015):
 Urgh, EDIT
My advice, STOP with all the "couply" think,
Should have been:
My advice, STOP with all the "couply" things,
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 July 2015):
I think he ABSOLUTELY loves the idea of you two together, but... in reality.. he doesn't.
He isn't sure of you and him, when he is by himself. When you are around he seems to enjoy it, I get why you are so confused.
You two broke up without there REALLY being a reason. At least he hasn't been able to VERBALIZE why he thought it should be over.
My advice, STOP with all the "couply" think, no cuddling, no kissing, no hanging out. You ARE right you can't be friends with him while still feeling love for him, and you can't be his "pretend-gf" either, because that is just insulting and half-assed.
I would cut him off totally. If you have to interact at work then be Professional, be polite, but do not fall into the fwb or exes-wb trap, where HE gets the GF-experience and sex, and you feel UNFULFILLED.
No cute texting, no hanging out, no long calls etc. REGARD him as an ex. GIVE him time to miss you. And to decide that MAYBE he made a mistake. Because right now, if you try and "fight" for it, it's NOT going to happen UNLESS you BOTH want to fix whatever went wrong and move on together or separately.
Prepare yourself for this to be a BREAK up. So go through the motions. Don't jump into a new relationship for a while either. Take some time to be by yourself and figure out what you really want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): Let it HIM fight for something that "feels so right".
"He should be consistent"-hahaha. Sorry, that was not kind,but I find that both genders are quite inconsistent with their desires, emotions and wants. The heart is a fickle organ.
Write it off for a good while and ignore all remarks he makes about you. He simply sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Let him figure it out and do not approach him.
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