A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I just want to tell the story of my relationship and get other's input.So I'm a junior in college and studying engineering at one of the toughest universities, so I don't have a lot of time for girls, but I have put as much time as I could into this. We have been together six months, and she is my first real girlfriend. Until her I was a virgin by choice, despite being in a fraternity. So we hang out a couple times a week. I cook dinner for us every time. Every couple weeks I buy her a small gift or something, and almost every night I tutor her. I go to her apartment and fix things for her, sober drive her to bars occasionally, and every night when we hang out she likes to take a nap on me so I end up stuck laying awake for an hour while she sleeps trying not to nod off and making sure I stay still so she can sleep. I love her and really like spending time with her. Problem is she does like nothing in return. She always says she loves me and hugs me and talks about having a future with me, but she rarely even asks to help me with cooking dinner and when she does she doesn't help very much. I drive her everywhere and pay for most things because she is paying for her school, I'm not, and she does not have a car. She also gets defensive and b*tchy a lot with me whenever I try to help her on things like homework and problems she asks for my help with. She then gets quiet and we stop and the next day she will apologize. I really have no experience with this and I feel like it would crush her to break up with her, but I feel like she's in love for me because of what I do for her, not because of who I am.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 SOoooo, you've chosen to be her foot-wiping mat... .and it feels a LITTLE good... but not a LOT GOOD... no?
Decide how much respect you have FOR YOURSELF... and let THAT decision guide you in where you go from here......
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): I think I understand where you're coming from. You have to understand a few things about some people. You may have a giving and considerate nature. You have to be careful in choosing a match. You have to share some common attributes; or you will find a lot of faults or incompatibilities.
When you attach your feelings to someone who doesn't share the same qualities, abilities, or talents you have as a person; you will hit a lot of bumps in the relationship. Trying to force that person to fit criteria you need in a partner; when it's not in their personality or character. They have to be able to keep up. Or, maybe you have to slow your roll!
You should ask her to help you prepare meals. If she doesn't really know how to cook, what are you expecting from her? Get a bottle of wine, put on some nice music; and let her chop the vegetables, fetch the pots and pans, or utensils you need. Make it fun and sexy. She can setup things for you. She can set the table; or arrange a romantic spot where you'll share your meal. Ask her to bring candles or her favorite music. If she doesn't know how to help, make suggestions. Don't give orders. Don't build resentment; because she doesn't know how to give as easily and as well as you do. After-all, if you choose to keep her; you have to accept some of her faults and shortcomings. Take "me-time" to take care of your personal affairs. If it means a week alone. Don't stretch yourself too far. Don't blame her when you go overboard. Who's fault is that? She knows you're a student and need time to attend to your studies. She'd probably need less tutoring, if she attended more to hers!
As for staying up all-might for her sake. Don't! Explain to her when you have to work, sleep, or study. Budget your time wisely; so studying doesn't get pushed aside while you pamper her. Don't talk-down to her when you're tutoring. She feels stupid, if you scold her; or show your frustration with her mistakes. Don't show your exasperation if she doesn't show the ability to learn as quickly as you want her to. Remember, she feels you are criticizing her personally; not just from an academic-standpoint. You may have to be tough to discipline and challenge her mind; but don't be condescending. That will affect how she responds to you, and may make her feel nothing she does is good enough in comparison to what you do. Therefore; she will give up trying.
It's your choice if you wish to keep her as your girlfriend. You are doing exactly what you want to do. So don't blame her for taking advantage of your talents and qualities as a great boyfriend. Isn't that the point?
My boyfriend makes big bucks. I can't offer him the things his money can buy. I give him the kindness, affection, and joy he needs in a relationship. I give the things money can't buy. We talk, so I know what he needs. He knows what I need. I can go into detail about his likes and dislikes; because I slow down to listen and learn. We are not in a competition of who does the most for whom? It takes experience to reach the point we have. We've had years of practice, and have graduated from life's school of hard-knocks. We've been there and done that.
Just let her know you feel sometimes she doesn't make you feel fully appreciated. You have to talk to her, and tell her what you'd really like from her. She can't read your mind. You'd like her to take you to dinner, wash your hair, give you back rubs, clean-up, sort your assignments; whatever floats your boat. You may seem difficult to keep up with, being so generous and giving. Patience and trust are gifts. Neither you nor I are perfect. So our partners accept us as we are. If she has never had a boyfriend like you before; she has to learn what it takes to keep one. Don't just assume she knows; because you insist on keeping her around. Hoping to figure out how to make her what you want her to be. It has to be in her, to come from her. Remember that.
People come to expect you to always be giving and available. You have to learn when to say "no" and set boundaries. Even to their surprise and dismay. If the answer is always "yes" and the signal is always "go;" don't be surprised when they get spoiled by it. You're a giver, and she's a taker. So to balance things, hold back a little. Talk to inform her, not to change her. If she doesn't get the point; change her, for someone who does.
Before you bring such things to her attention; make sure you've carefully thought-out how you want to say it. Don't be too critical; if you made a bad choice for a match, and insist on sticking with it. When a person doesn't meet your expectations, that isn't always their fault. You take at least half the fault for the wrong choice.
Sometimes we give far too much and far too generously, and make it difficult for others to keep up with us. Then we look back, after we've left them in the dust. Give her the chance to catch up with you. Slow down a little. Talk, and listen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I expect her to jump up and do everything for me and match my giving nature, but the only thing I can think of that she has ever done for me was she bought me a gift after treating me like shit one day as an apology and it meant a ton to me. But that is the only thing I can think of that she has ever done... I'm just worried that shes caught up in all the nice things I do for her and thinks that shes in love because of that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2015):
 When you talk about relationships it's between two adults. I am not saying she is childish but she won't be the same when she graduates and gets a job. College allows people to be away from parents but not all students acquire the skills to live independently. She loves you but in her own way. You can try telling her you feel taken for granted and would appreciate if she does things for you too. A mature person would understand the idea of give and take. She has to be reminded that you don't do all these things expecting nothing in return. She just assumes you are happy doing them since you generously offer. I would have to say you might be a little insecure about yourself too, to think that she doesn't love who you really are and that she's just taking advantage of your kindness. At the same time what you do creates who you are as a person. If she's the younger sibling she would be less likely to take charge, and notice what people need. Instead she would sit and wait for someone to take care of her.
There are different languages of love and her expression of love might not be the same as yours. Love her by observing her growth, and not expecting and pushing her to be the same as you. It might be an overreaction to contemplate about breaking up over this. It's alright to feel that her carefree attitude is a turn off. Right now you are just dating. However if you decide to live together in the future you might want to set boundaries about duties, and who does what so there is no hidden resentment. You decide how long you are going to wait for her to grow up and observe adult responsibilities. Right now you sound hurtful and taking it personally. She could just be clueless and didn't realize you expect the same amount of effort in her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 July 2015):
 I think it is a bit one-sided, but I think it's because she is till very young and a bit immature. And I think I would cut down on the "doing things for her" because you SEEM to think, that IF you do things for her, SHE should do things for you. That is not always how things work.
If you volunteer to HELP her - it should be done without strings or expectations of "return favors".
So CUT down on the "little things" and gifts. If she comes over for dinner, give her a knife or spoon and tell her: " hey, stir this or can you make the salad". Or "can you set the table while I finish this". SHE isn't going to do those things on her own, so instead of you EXPECTING her to read your mind and do it on her own, suggest she helps. I bet you she will not say no, and will jump at the chance.
When it comes to helping her with homework, SUGGEST she finds another tutor than you, because you feel like she isn't appreciating YOU taking the time to try and help her out. YOU don't OWE her to help her with homework, certainly not if she acts like a BRAT in return.
Being her taxi is NOT your job either. If she needs to go (or rather WANTS to go somewhere NOT with you) she can find her own ride. THOUGH I do think the "drunk pick up" is one of the NICEST things a partner can do. Making sure she is safe. THAT is being an awesome BF in my book. Though do you ever go out WITH her? I mean you can always be a DD (designated driver) and still go hang out.
You can't BUY love or TRUE affection. Remember that.
SURPRISING her with a little "somethings" is NICE, but again - SHOULD be done without strings. If she isn't making any money it might also NOT be something she can afford to DO in return.
SHOW that you care in other ways. Like cute little messages on sticky notes inside her books or bag. It's practically free, and sweet.
Auntie "So_Very_Confused" has a term - STOP rowing the relationship boat and SEE if she picks up an oar to help or not.
And she is right, YOU can not "run" the entire relationship - you CAN NOT be the one who gives and gives while she just takes. It gets so uneven and makes you feel unimportant.
Last but not least, you could TALK to her. Let her know you feel a little taken for granted. She may not even be aware.
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