A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for almost two years. He is almost 30 years old. His view on working is that it is bondage and he hates the idea of working years and years. He's been laid off twice since we've been together. The first time it was because of his bad job performance. After that, he decided be wanted to use the stock market to try to earn lots of money. It didn't work and we ended up becoming long distance because he had to move home in another state and live with his mom. He got a second job that he kept for a while, but recently quit because he was about to be terminated. This second time he says that he didn't do anything wrong and that he is unsure why they fired him. Which may very well be true. Currently, he is trying to move back to my city and get a job. I am willing to give him another chance because I understand people lose their jobs. However, my concern is if he has learned responsibility yet or if I am just ignoring a red flag.In the time we have been together and he has a job, he is depressed and gradually begins to withdrawal from it. Which probably leads to termination. But each of those jobs had really long hours and had him working at home on top of that. For his last job though, I did warn him that it sounded like a lot of work and commitment before he took the offer.It had a higher salary then his other offer. Therefore I can get why he took it.So i have trouble being able to see if he has just had two really sucky and terrible jobs. Or if this is a pattern and goes deeper into an actual frustration he has with the idea of work and fantasies about money. I say that because his salary was about 60k. But he said that wasn't good enough. Which, after taxes, maybe it isn't...for the things he wants, anyways. He wants an expensive house and a fancy car. Which, I'm sure we'd all love those things. But you have to work to get them. And even then, you're not entitled to that lifestyle. I feel he thinks he can just play in the market and be rich with no cares. And I don't think that's realistic. Now he is applying for jobs here.I really care about him. But sometimes I can be naive. In the back of my mind i wonder if he has really changed or if his mindset is still going to be the same as before. Am I ignoring warning signs or is change possible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): Your bf sounds just like my best friend's husband. They've been together 25 years and he's had about 25 jobs in that time. In the early years it was always his employers fault in my friend's eyes but she's run out of excuses now. He always wants what other people have but isn't prepared to put the work in.Despite my friend having a well paid job his erratic employment resulted in them losing their home so I would urge you to be cautious with this man. Given that you have no responsibilities now how would you feel about being the sole earner with a mortgage? Or bringing children into this situation? I completely agree with Honeypie. My parents lived well and wanted for nothing but they worked incredibly hard for it and paid a price. While my father did 6 years of professional qualifications they lived in a converted chicken shed. I barely saw my father when I was a child as he worked 7 days a week and he died quite young from all the hard work. It's easy to envy other people but there's always a price to be paid. Your bf is 30 so if he's not learned by now that you get nothing without hard work and he shies away from responsibility then it's not looking good for the future.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 SOOooooo, what you're REALLY telling us... is that this guy refuses to grow up... and should you/can you... have a future with him???....
The short answer is "NO." The slightly-longer answer is: "Do you want to be this character's Mother-substitute for a long time?"
Neither answer is very attractive....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2015):
 I understand your concerns and I think naive or not, YOU do know that it's more than just him having had a couple of sucky jobs. IT is about his ethics.
He wants FAST money, with little effort. And he is NOT being realistic at all as far as REALITY of WHAT he can get, giving his work background. All I hear are "excuses".
I have two friends who work in "futures, stocks and bonds" they BOTH have an MBA degree and work INSANE hours 70+ hours and they DO make good money. But they have been doing that for over 10 years. They are both VERY disciplined guys. You don';t just walk in from the streets and become rich in that business. THAT was the 1980's... (and many of THOSE guys ended up broke and dead).
Does he expect to move in with you and live of you while "looking" for a job? Or will be FIND a job first THEN move near you (not in with you)?
I ask, because I would NOT want him to move in and live off me. I would WANT him to SHOW me he can DO what he tells me he can do.
Now I'm not one for shooting a person down and his dreams. Dream big is GOOD, but... while you can DREAM big, you NEED to have your feet firmly planted in REALITY.
My brother was/is a dreamer. But he has a GREAT partner who have always made him grounded. And I think without HER, he would NEVER have reached these goals. They have the nice house, the "vintage" car, the boat and the AMAZING summer vacations with the family - he works HARD.
I don't think you CAN have all those things (unless you are born with a platinum spoon in your mouth) UNLESS you WORK your BUM off.
Decide WHAT you want, from yourself, from him and from the relationship.
If he constantly gets depressed because he feels like he is letting EVERYONE down, then THAT is not going to change until he starts being a little more realistic about HOW a career is build, maintained and worked for.
If he doesn't GET help with the depressions either he is self-sabotaging himself, maybe on purpose?
I think YOU need to decide what's right for you and STICK with that.
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