A
male
age
30-35,
*sedcarparts
writes:For those of you who haven't read any of my older questions I'll inform all of you by saying that me and my gf were together for 5 years until last may when she had feelings for another guy so she replaced me with him. She had actually been seeing him for 2 months prior and I broke up with her once she told me and her idea was to just string me along while she tries this guy out to see if she should leave me permenantely or not.I didn't accept that and for a while she continued to discuss matters with me which were confusing and led to no where. After nearly 2 months of NC she began to text me like crazy but not addressing what it was she wished to discuss. She continued this for 2 weeks as I put her off and intentionally made myself not available. I had the idea that she felt guilty and had broken up with that guy and still loved me. I had a hard time forgiving her but because of her constant nagging I made time to talk with her. She wanted to meet in person but I told her I'll only talk on the phone.I was right in saying that she left that guy because she still had feelings for me, however she only wanted to tell me that she never really loved me and that there's absolutely no chance in the future. She was very indirect during the conversation and gave the impression that she was going to say she wants to be together again only to turn into a twist, plus she was asking my opinion on certain issues. She explained that her feelings are the result of her missing the way I made her feel but explained that it's just her not wanting to let go of how I made her feel but that she was selfish in the relationship because she loved me in order for me to love her back to make her feel good and that she loved me conditionally and not unconditionally which (according to her) is the only form of real love because she believes that in true love you love that person no matter what (sounds like the basis for a destructive relationship) and because her love for me was based on condition, she made it about herself and not me. I want to ask you people here, does that even make sense? I think it's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.I know what I'm going to do and that it erase her from my life, it is really hard for me to not only get cheated on but get told that I was never loved by her and when me and her even planned on getting married in the near future.I just want to ask people here what they're take is on what a true romantic relationship is and what specific elements are important in the basis of a healthy relationship because I don't think unconditional love is possible in a romantic relationship and if there are people like that, it's most likely abusive.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I do not know all the dynamics about unconditional love but i do know this:
-kick her cheating ass to the curb
-do not enagage in any conversation with her
-no contact whatsoever
- you deserve better - so much better
- u lost 5 years with this woman. Dont lose anymore time, effort,tears on her
- do not let this woman into any area of your life again
Remove this toxic ex from your life once and for all.
U are young- go out and have some fun!!!
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 August 2011):
 1) The idea of unconditional love is BS of the highest order. There are always, always, always things one person can do to make the other person not love them anymore. What if the two of you had kids, and one of you put them up for adoption without the others' knowledge? What if one of you cheated? What if one of you learned that the other had lied about every single part of their past? These are extreme examples, but they serve only to disprove her ridiculous assertion. Less-extreme actions could do it too. It's just a matter of where you draw the line for unforgivable behavior.
2) She is rationalizing - that is, having done something bad, she is now making up a reason from thin air that sounds better than the truth. And the worst part is, she probably genuinely believes in her rationalization. She isn't just lying to you, she's lying to herself, and she is toxic. I mean, come on. She loved you just the right amount to cheat, but not to break up with you first?
3) Good for you breaking all contact. Tell her never to contact you again, ever. If she persists, change your phone number. Depending on your personality, it might be fun to call her on her BS first, but it would be much simpler just to let her have the last word. Why should you care whether she figures out how to be a decent person now?
4) A true, functioning romantic relationship is one where each person is convinced they got lucky and are "dating up," and where each person is mature enough to realize that sometimes, we or the other person are not at our best, and we might lose that feeling for a day, a week, maybe even a bit longer. But that feeling can and will come back for couples who care enough to work at it.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (5 August 2011):
 I don't think love is unconditional in a relationship. For a child and parent, yes, but for lovers, no. I feel that a person loves their partner because they're treated right, they have the right qualities, and they're truly happy. Love shouldn't be unconditional when it comes to relationships. I mean that you shouldn't love them if they treat you badly and don't give you the respect/love you deserve. Why should we love someone unconditionally if they treat us badly? Marriages ending in divorce show that love isn't unconditional because they would still be together if it was. I choose to disagree with her, this is just my opinion.
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