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female
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anonymous
writes: i have a 3 yr old son with my x , well at the moment he is my x, we've been broken up for nearly 2 yrs now but we was still having sex, this near our son will be 4. i am still in love with him and don't know how to move on as his love is the only love i've experienced in my life time ( im now 21), i dont know my family and been in care since 12. we have tried to make things work but it always fall apart because of our arguements. what should i do? i still love him and want us to be a family so our son has both his mum and dad.his parents don't think much of me i don't think , we both talked about goin our sperate ways but even talkin about it i dont like to do as i want to be with him and willing to wait as long as it takes.i know its probally best to move on but seeing him every week end when he comes to pick his son up brings all my feelings back to the surface, he doesn't do much for his son or spend much time with him coz not every week end he comes to pick him up . i feel if we can't be together then he shouldn't come round when he wants to see our son. im confused and lost. help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): hi thnx for your advice but also i wanted to re assure anyone who replies that i not sitting at home doing nothing my lil boy goes to nursery 6 -8 mon - fri while i am currently studyin law at college to go on to uni in sept this yr. im jus confused as to why i am holding on to something i know i cant have and why i want to let go but cant. how do i let go of some one i been with for 5 yrs and living in hope for 2 yrs that we will get back together?
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (8 March 2006):
 You have had a rough start in life but that is the past, now you need to take controle of this situation before it makes you ill.
He is using you for sex and that has to stop, you will never know if he wants you for you and to be in a relationship again with you until you stop having sex with him, to stop will have the effect of making him look at what he is doing and why, he may or may not decide that loosing you is the worst thing in the world but he needs to be pushed into making a decision.
You would be better off without him but you love him and this is clouding your judgment as is your lack of experience, there are other blokes out there that will love you and will treat you better than this bloke does, you just need to get the courage to meet them.
My advice is stop the sex, see what that brings and then if no commitment from him, ditch him.
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A
female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (8 March 2006):
 You poor thing - I really feel for you. You've had a difficult time in life and it's no wonder that you're struggling with relationships when you've been deprived of normal family interaction. I'll be honest though; it sounds as if you've got yourself into a situation where you're letting a man hold all the power, and the fact is he is taking advantage - he's willing to have sex with you, but not to have a proper relationship, despite the fact that you two have a son together. And let's face it - you've played right into his hands by letting him use you like this. Now, I realise that you're not consciously letting this happen, but please do give some thought to what you yourself say: "his love is the only love i've experienced in my life time". If this is the only love you've known, then I'm afraid you're holding a slightly twisted view of love - he hasn't been all that loving towards you, and he certainly isn't showing you the respect you deserve as the mother of his child. To spell it out - his love isn't worth much to you.
Love isn't just about who we have sex with, or who we have kids with - it's also about two people giving their all to a relationship; being willing to support each other through anything and having respect for each other. This man doesn't respect you - if he did, he would not be willing to neglect either you or his son. You owe it to your son to show him that you are the kind of woman who won't put up with a man who refuses to engage with you emotionally.
I know that for someone who's had problems finding love, the idea of giving up on the only source you have sounds scary, but this man is actually getting in the way of you finding real love with someone else, and he's also getting in the way of your loving relationship with your son - do you want your little boy to grow up knowing that daddy makes mummy miserable and upset? Great dads teach their sons to respect women and their daughters to demand respect from men.
For your own sake, and the sake of your son, you really do need to move on.
Now, this man may well still want to see the boy, and that's his right, so the best thing to do is let him keep picking his son up, but don't invite him in and make sure you always have a plan for something to do while they're out together - that way, you won't be sitting at home obsessing, and when your boy comes back he'll be greeted by a happy, smiling mummy who's just had a great afternoon and is thrilled to see her little boy. Get in touch with a local source of support for single parents, and see whether they have a social group you could join to meet new people. And above all, think how lucky you are to have this little boy, who loves you much more than any no-good man ever could. Be strong for him. You're in my thoughts - I know you're going to be much happier once you get this all untangled in your mind.
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