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male
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*ds2005uk
writes: I met up with my ex-girlfriend last August through a business colleague. She was a friend of my business colleague and I fell in love with her once I set my eyes on her. I found out that my business colleague also had feelings for me and felt a bit jealous that I was giving more attention to my ex. When I used to go around to my business colleague's house we would talk business but when I used to leave her house, she would always want a cuddle. I used to abide but I wasn't interested sexually in my business colleague. One day when I my ex was there, I cuddled my business colleague in a friendly way and asked my ex if she wanted a cuddle too. She did and I felt something for her. When I used to go around my business colleague's house, I always wanted my ex to be there because I felt something for her.This went on for a while until one day, my business colleague came back from a long trip when me and my ex turned up at her house. I, being caring, could see that my business colleague was tired so I suggested I leave. I offered to take my ex home but she had other ideas. We went back to my place, we had a coffee and a chat and I said to her does she want a hug now before I take her home to her boyfriend at the time. We did but we both kissed romantically in my hallway. We both decided from that point that we wanted each other but as she had a boyfriend at the time, the only way we were going to see each other was through my business colleague. This went on for a while and I was taking her out as a friend to places until one day her ex-boyfriend had a violent streak and she couldn't take anymore. She decided to move in with me. This happened overnight by several car trips from her place to mine filling the car up with her belongings. We were together as a couple for 7 weeks but during the latter part of our relationship, she was invading my space. Before I got together with my ex I was used to my own independence but during the time, she wanted my attention 100% and I couldn't accept it. She was used to 100% attention from her ex but I told her I couldn't give her the same. She tried to change me but I was too far gone not to be changed. One evening we came home from shopping and she always used to check the answerphone for messages. I did it once and she got the hump for me not letting her do it and I had to push her away for me not letting her having her own way. This was the final straw for her and she was in contact with her ex-boyfriend and they eventually got back together.Since they got back together, she still wants to see me behind his back as she still loves me and keeps reminding me that if I wasn't like the way I was, we would still be together.We have seen a lot of each other since we split up but only as friends. We have not slept together but I want to know where I stand. Do I keep on seeing her in this capacity or do I move on and find someone else. I still got feelings for her and would love her to come back to me one day but am I clutching on straws as they say.I saw her all day yesterday and we had a good time together as her boyfriend was at work. The only thing is he came home early not to find her there and she lied to him as to her whereabouts. He saw me driving away from where I dropped her off and the result of this is he beat her up badly. She is now scared that he will do this again and fears for her safety. I am scared for her too as I know how violent he can be.The only thing which annoys me about my ex is she keeps things bottled up and doesn't tell anyone of how bad her b/f is. I know for a fact that she has family who really love my ex and she is scared of telling them what is happening to her. Would it be a good idea if she started telling them what is happening to her because I fear that one day he could kill her.
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at work, ex girlfriend, fell in love, got back together, her ex, jealous, move on, my ex, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shortandsweet408 +, writes (19 January 2006):
 Its good to hear that you two had a nice talk. And you are right about the space being other than work. In a healthy relationship, especially a young one, its pretty necessary to go out with friends occasionally. I love to do it at least 3 times a week. Its true, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I've learned this over the years is a key statement on relationships. About the restraining order, do it as soon as possible, and all you have to do now is be there for her, she has been through a lot and needs your love and support right now. Thanks for writing again, good to hear everything is going great!!! Let me know if anything more happens... especially the good things!
A
male
reader, pds2005uk +, writes (19 January 2006):
pds2005uk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice shortandsweet. Me and her had a good talk last night and we talked about getting back together but there had to be ground rules. I said as long as you give me my own space which she agreed too. The only thing that confused her is that when I go to work, isn't that getting your own space. I said I don't class that as getting my own space because it is a work environment and not a social environment. I explained that in some relationships that the man goes for a 'boys night out' and vice versa. She said as long as she is in company then she wouldn't mind that as long as she knew how to get hold of me. I said that would be fine. I said if you wanted some time with someone else that would be ok too.
We are going to take it slow now and are planning on moving back in together in February around Valentine's day. She is still scared of what he might do to her when she leaves but I have seen advice on another post of mine saying you can get a restraining order against someone this violent. She said to me that she is pretty badly bruised and cut and I suggested we contact the police to show them the extent of her injuries because she has been with him for 9 years and this is the worst damage he has done to her and as far as I am concerned, he should be locked up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): Geez, what you've said here is so obvious. Use some common sense man!
aside from that, localized happiness is key. Break off your relationship with your colleague, and ask her to do the same with her's. Stop catering to other people and cater to your own.
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A
female
reader, shortandsweet408 +, writes (18 January 2006):
I understand that you need space, but your ex shouldn't choose someone who gives her attention then beats her up over someone who may only want to hang out a few times a week. I think that you should sit down with her and give her the attention she needs (for a night) since you two have different needs in the relationship. (you need space/she wants more) Sit down and talk about things... she needs to get away from him, he is controlling and you care deeply about her. I wish I could talk to your girl! I would let her know that you wanting space doesn't mean you not wanting to see her, you just enjoy your alone time, my guy is the same way! Some people (mostly girls) need to feel needed. So at least call her each day that you don't spend together to let her know you care. BUT the first step is to tell her how you feel and tell her that you want to take things slow with you guys and have fun so she can feel wanted and be able to get away from the abuse. She sounds very sweet and so do you, so I can tell that there is something there, even if you two don't end up getting back together (because you need the space, it may be a bad idea to start the relationship up right away so she doesn't feel her BOYFRIEND is neglecting her) You get what I'm saying?? So just have that conversation with her... go to her and help her get out of this situation.
-Keep me updated!
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