A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I realize this will be a bit on the longer side, but I promise I won't ramble on the details and get to the point. It'll be long because its necessary to give a slight overview on what happened to us. Thanks for the patience :)We dated for 2 years, but have been friends for almost 6 years. All of sudden she broke up with me with very little notice, her reasons basically being that our relationship had become "routine" and that she was too stressed about her future and her family to make things work. She is planning to go to law school and she was afraid that we would continue to have to put up with a long distance relationship for many more years than we expected (we live in the same town, but went to different colleges; I'm graduating this year though)As much as I tried to salvage it, she was convinced nothing we could do would save it and broke it off. I was crushed and only got worse after she started dating another guy within a week... We didn't talk for almost two months and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. I was betrayed by the person I loved more than anything, the person I'd do anything for; my best friend. She gave me up and replaced me instantly. I spent weeks in depression, but thanks to some very close and wonderful friends, had bounced back and was doing very well.Over Christmas break, she messaged me for the first time since the break up and said she wanted to see how I was doing and maybe meet for coffee. In her message she said she really missed our friendship. After weeks skeptic consideration, I finally decided (with the help of some great advice from this website) that it'd be a good idea to suck it up and hear her out. To be clear, I wasn't interested in "being friends" again; I had no desire to pretend like nothing ever happened and felt that she gave me up as a friend when she gave me up as a boyfriend. But I thought I'd at least show up and listen to her.Well I did last night. We talked for nearly 4 hours in a coffee shop. At first we made small talk until it became too emotional to simply pretend the small talk would suffice and she tried to explain herself and lay out her feelings. This is a break down of what I gathered:1. She's been doing very very poorly for the last few months (probably worse than I was by the sound of it) Her grades slipped, she spent most of her days in tears and lost an unhealthy amount of weight.2. She feels nothing for this new guy she's with. She started things with him simply to take her mind off things and because "he asked her out." She says he thinks he loves her, but she's told him she doesn't feel the same way.3. She's still very confused about her decision to break up. She's still sticking to it, because she has still convinced herself it can never work out because our futures are both heading in different directions, even though I've said time and time again that I would have done anything to make it work and would have supported her career choices no matter what. She's a very negative person sometimes and when she thinks something can't be done or work, she convinces herself to the point where SHE makes it not work (like our relationship; she convinced herself it wouldn't work until she ended it, therefore, making it not work) Its really ridiculous and she knows its a problem she has to fix.4. We still care a lot about each other. We gave so much to each other emotionally that simply can't be undone. I know as angry and heartbroken as I was, I still always wanted the best for her. I know I'll always love her and she has said the same about me. We were more than just lovers; she was always my best friend and we were always very close.5. We accepted that "being friends" is a little out of the question. As I said, we both have invested so much in each other that pretending like none of it existed and trying to simply be friends would be too complicated and far too hurtful for the both of us. We agreed we can be on "talking terms" and we both know that we understand each other much better than any of our closest friends do and if we need someone to talk to its okay to contact one another.6. She's very sorry about the way she treated me. She still doesn't really know why she started dating this guy, but she realized how hurtful it must have been for me to see (she still has no idea how far off a cliff it drove me; worst weeks of my life I can safely say) I accepted her apology.Okay, so after the meeting I am feeling better. We both agreed that we were glad we did it and that it was a good thing to do before starting another semester. I do want her to start getting better. It really hurt me seeing how much weight she lost; she seriously did not look well. And I know how important her grades are for her future. I think I got a lot off of my chest and can start my last half of my senior year with much more confidence.BUT, I'm still very confused on what I should do. I will still always love her with all my heart and I feel a constant urge to wait for her. Wait for her to figure out her personal problems and for her to realize that, if both people are willing, love can overcome any obstacle and that we can make it work. At the same time, I know how detrimental it would be to me to sit around and wait, especially when I should be enjoying my senior year and hunting for a good job! I need to focus on my own future!I'm just really drawn. I already know the "correct" answer, which is to move on... but it hurts to think about. It drives me insane thinking of how certain our future was together and how it ended so suddenly just because she was convinced we couldn't make it. I still love her with all my heart and am more than willing to forgive everything that she did to me if it meant we could try again. Yet, I feel I can't quite trust her. Even if our relationship did rebuild, how can I be confident she won't pull the same thing again and end things at the first sign of struggle?As I said, I already know that I need to move on, but its just too hurtful to let such a big part of my past go, especially when I still see a speck of hope on the horizon for us. I could really use some advice on the matter. Thank you. And thanks for putting up with my lengthy wall of text.
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a break, best friend, broke up, christmas, confidence, crush, heartbroken, long distance, move on, no desire, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
 First of all, I am recently involved in a sudden and unforeseen break-up, so I hope that doesn't taint the legitimacy of my advice.
For so many of these questions regarding whether we "should or shouldn't" in relationships I always seem to come back to the same bigger question:
Is this a relationship where both people are up for and willing to work through life's problems?
If so, any of those issues can be worked out.
If not, well then there you go.
But most of us find ourselves in the middle. One of us are. Now ask yourself: If I was the only one in the relationship willing to work through life's problems, how long could I keep it up?
A
male
reader, B.A.S.  +, writes (26 January 2011):
Your in a similar situation as myself. Your Love seems to be similar to my Ex in that she convinced herself things wouldnt work out to the point that they didnt.
Im also with you on "Why should I move on" because its what everyone else does? Sure it may work but you obviously really LOVE this Woman and she does to you as well.
It took her alot of Courage to say she was sorry, and like you my ex and I were bestfriends for 7 years. This is obviously something that should never be given up on.
I think she realized her mistakes and she misses you, she may be trying to convince herself when she says "Were going down different paths".
I take it you two knew eachother through your young lives...memories are made there that cannot be replaced. You sound like a good person and she sounds like someone that is still trying to find her place in the World.
Stay on talking Terms with her, be there for her if she ever needs anything, be her Best friend but for now it sounds like you may need to sit on the sidelines until she figures out her life and settles down.
I wish you the best I really do. I hope my Answer at least made sense. Dont give up on this, have fun so that your obsessed with the situation, better yourself as a person, learn something new and keep busy. But please dont give up on everything you two had. Remember all the good times? You can still have them but for now its the waiting game.
Maybe when she settles down in her Career and you two are still talking things will be better?!
Stay strong and keep being there for her!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 January 2011):
how about this: any time you start feeling a speck of hope, remind yourself that things are different now and won't be the same as what you had always envisioned. What you're hoping for doesn't actually exist. Like you said, you can't trust her not to pull the rug out from under your feet again. the future you had always had in your mind with her, was all an illusion. It was never meant to be because she is the kind of person who is not willing to weather storms. Be thankful that you're finding this out now and not after you have invested more years into the relationship.
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