A
female
age
51-59,
*vyblue
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. its a bit long. I'm feeling a bit bewildered, hurt and pretty angry all at the same time. I have just had the weirdest experience with my now ex, all of 20 minutes ago, best friend. We had a youth group competition day today where kids from different groups around the area come together to compete in different types of skill activities- Runners up, first and overall winners. His group won the day, and rightly so because they performed very well. Of the groups one had a young lad about 15 with Autism. Hearing my friend often talk about a few kids in his group with either Autism/ Aspergers I asked if this lad was one of them. He said no and wouldn't let any one of his kids even compete. When i asked why he implied because they were not switched on enough and would bring the team down. Without malice, I said he was kinda mean and he asked why. While I acknowledged they may not be on the same level and capability, said they should be treated with fairness and equity just like anyone else and given a chance to compete because thats what our organisation is about- being inclusive and success can be measured in many ways.. Like a light switch, he started arcing up that he didnt appreciated me dictating to him how to run his group, I wasn't I was answering his question, and making statements that he goes there to win and why should he take up a spot for someone like him when he can and should give it to a fully abled kid. So again, I went on to try answer his question but he just kept speaking over the top of me getting really fired up. Whilst i understood that and said so, i went on to say there are more ways to 'win' in life and thats by showing compassion, being selflessness and making someone else feel good even though you may not 'win' per se. when I could get a word in posed the scenario so if you were playing soccer and one kid had no leg would you encourage your team not to kick him the ball? all he could say was thats a hypothetical and not answer rather kept trying to justify himself and that I was being nothing but offensive and rude and how dare i tell him how to run his group????? WTF! So then he said "would you have some retard on your team so everyone else would suffer the loss?" So I got fired up and shot back yes and who are you to determine what these kids can do when you wont even give them a go and said he was being ridiculous and asked him to stop sticking his hand out and pointing at me while talking down to me. He wouldn't so i did it right back at him. Real snarky he said " why then can you do it to me then?" I said to show you how it feels but he, just like a per petulant child, kept saying i was just a hypocrite and it was alright for me but not ok for him. It wasnt ok for me, I was doing it back and he didnt like it. I did however apologise because that was in poor form even if it was to just give him a taste of his own medicine. he has and always had the trait of talking over ,not just me but others, and domineering personality which i usually put up with but on this occasion stood my ground. He Refers to himself as the 'KING' and is very open and vocal saying things are 'his way or no way' as part of his life in general. With things now going round and round and getting more and more heated between us, he said if this was my attitude basically thats it- he and I cant be friends so I said fine, grabbed his stuff and left my home. What the hell...? In a few days we are having to drive 15 hours together interstate for another annual youth group camp and will be staying together for a week. I really just cant stand the sight of him ATM and really shock at just how mean spirited he is and at 55 be so..... I cant even think of a word. Any advice would be VERY much appreciated-TIA
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2019): Then keep the kids in-mind, and do what has to be done for their sake. Although you were correct and stood-up on the side of righteousness; I think you both took it too far. It was bad timing, considering you have a pending trip together! Anger prevailed, so all the good points made may be lost in a battle to put each other down!
You're an adult, and would know that going at it in such a way would only escalate things to a fever-pitch. You can't change a mindset in one argument. Now it's your turn to live by your strong principles and put the kids first. You can pull your act together, and pretend he's not there. You're simply travel companions. Like strangers on the subway.
I am pretty sure his guilt will get the better of him, and he will apologize. Accept his apology graciously; but you've discovered a darkness in him you're better-off doing without!!! You both need time for composure before your trip.
Focus on your plans, listen to some soothing music along the way, find some good reading for distraction; while adjusting and composing yourself into forgiveness-mode. You can't be all high-principled and politically-correct; if you can't put disagreement aside, and forgive. You don't have to be friends anymore; but you both participate in the same organization. It's about the kids, not you two!
If you can find other travel arrangements and accommodations, then do so. If at some point you can both reconcile your differences; and focus on what you're supposed to be doing for the children, that would be even better.
When reading a one-sided account of an incident; I have to consider embellishment and any attempt on the part of the OP to sway complete agreement in their direction. He's not here to tell his side; and we weren't there to witness what went down, or what was said on either-side. I'm inclined to believe you. If he said all the terrible and arrogant things you indicated he said about the children, I wonder why he even participates in such an organization?
He doesn't seem to have the right kind of attitude; nor a true grasp of what the whole competition is about. These are kids dealing with social-disorders and psychological-disabilities. He used a lot of derogatory and inflammatory-references regarding the children; and he really doesn't belong in such an organization, if your account is completely accurate. I wouldn't blame you if you filed a report and a formal-complaint; provided you have evidence he openly displays this attitude towards the children. Be that the case, he doesn't belong around children. Period! If he has that kind of temper; he is likely to react with the same level of aggression towards the kids as he did towards you!
If his only involvement is to win; then perhaps he should become an athletic coach. He doesn't seem cut-out to work with children who have the types of social or mental-disadvantages as kids with the special-needs you've described.
Kids are kids! Given the opportunity, while being treated with kindness and compassion, those kids would surprise people! How encouraging it would be if he was more focused on their dedication, enthusiasm, and spirit; something that most people would never realize in them. They are already bogged-down with stigma and prejudices from society. Even from their own family! The point is to teach them, guide them, and help them to be the best they can be! Even if they lose the competition. However, don't discount those who can achieve. They don't get pushed to the wayside for their hard-work; to show-off how good we can make ourselves look, as we display how caring and sympathetic we can look to the public for showing more attention to the kids who really can't compete. There has to be balance between choosing the gifted and eliminating those who don't have true ability. The reality is, true-achievement must be recognized also! Everyone doesn't win the prize, if everyone didn't earn it! That's not good sportsmanship either! The point is, everyone deserves a chance! Those kids still have to survive in the real-world.
It is unfortunate if he isn't providing those children with the opportunity and the kind of leadership-environment that offers them encouragement, positive-reinforcement, and challenge; with no regard to his personal concerns about winning or losing. Otherwise, offering them a chance; rather than separating them for those more likely to make HIM look good! I would think it is about allowing the kids to shine, according to their effort and ability.
Switch-on your professionalism and regain your composure. Your indignation and concern about the children has been adequately addressed. He heard every word! I commend you!
Now he has to think about it, sleep on it, and allow his pride to wrestle with it. He got a very good tongue-lashing; and your job on the kids behalf is done. Put all that aside, take the trip, and get wrapped-up in the cause for the kids!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2019): Do what auntie binbin says...She totally got it right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2019): Is there any way that you can make the journey on your own? I presume you will have your own room wherever you're staying? If I was you I would make my own way there. And I would cite some reason for it, other than I can't stand the sight of you, just to make things easier for you whilst you are there working with him. Perhaps invent a friend who wants to see where you are going and so you are going with him/her? And if he asks where your friend is when you get there, tell him that they happen to be off visiting somewhere. He may well know that this is a lie, but as long as it keeps the peace for you, I wouldn't worry too much if it was me. It would be difficult to share a car for this length of time and maybe he now feels the same, so he might be relieved if you made your own way there. If you HAVE to go together, take stuff to do with you. Make polite conversation the rest of the time, but stay off the subject that got you rowing in the first place. He won't be moved, so there's no point. Good luck, it sounds like a tricky situation to be in.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 June 2019):
 His attitude is completely wrong. Where was his head when all those disabled are abled campaigns were running, has he ever completed workshops on inclusions and the like. Has he never heard of the disability discrimination act of 1992?
Seriously, he needs reporting, either to the head office of the body your groups are working under or contact the Australian Human Rights Commission and ask for advice.
He is a nasty, nasty man.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2019):
 Go and be there for the kids. After all, THAT is why the trip is planned.
Being a book and honestly, IGNORE him. (without being childish about it)
I can see both sides. I can see the competitive side where you (he) wants the kids to win. The kids who CAN compete and who WANT that win, and I can see the inclusive part too.
Calling kids with Autism or Asperger for retards, is where I (personally) draws the line. We had 2 of the main cast for the middle-school musical who are Autistic - one more than the other, but BOTH worked SO hard and did SO good. And from hearing just how good an experience it had been for both, I'm glad the teachers gave them (inclusion) a chance to try out and then to do the part.
They probably won't get many chances in HS to get a main past part (because they will just have TOO much competition from kids with a lot of talent and a bigger pool of kids that try-out).
But I digress.
Spend your time with the kids while there. I would honestly avoid him as best as possible. He seems like a person with very little compassion.
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