A
male
age
41-50,
*non_e_mouse
writes:Hi All,I’m feeling really low today. I don’t know why but I feel like I’ve been crushed. I don’t understand how my ex-girlfriend can treat me the way she did, find someone else while we were going out, and then jump straight into another relationship as soon as ours is over.I’m so confused. I don’t understand why we had chats about the future and stuff and how she wants to be always with me only for it to end so easily. She even mentioned regularly she wanted to get engaged. Is she just jumping out of the frying pan into the fire with this other guy? Is he simply a way out for her and will it make it easier for her to get over me by having someone else to concentrate on? I think if she doing it simply because she wants SOMEONE then she’ll get worse. If she doing it because he is right for her then I’m sure it’ll be better.Perhaps I need counselling? Do you think this will help at all? I do get attention when I go out but I’m simply not interested. I was making great progress during the week but now I’ve hit Friday and I’ve got the whole weekend ahead of me with no plans. I’ll probably end up going down my local pub before seeing who’s out and tagging along up town after.I’m still so angry about the whole thing. How can someone treat me like this? After all the aggro I took about her paranoia and worry I’ll meet someone better looking and move on (like I’m a player – I’m NOT and NEVER have been and NEVER will be). All I did was love her, be there for her, be patient hoping that she’ll realise I’m not like her other boyfriends, and be as understanding, affectionate and thoughtful as I am. I know my life has gone through a massive change now and perhaps I’m just missing having SOMEONE around to share experiences with and go out/stay in and just spend time together. Work isn’t going too well and is very slow which isn’t helping. At least if I was busy I won’t be thinking about it during moments of boredom.What hurts the most is I feel worthless, like she left me hanging for the last 6 months, probably while she was thinking about maybe getting together with someone else, and decided to just write it off and jump into another relationship. Maybe she did this with me? Maybe she was seeing someone else when we met and when I made my move she ditched the other guy? If that is the case I didn’t know. People have randomly shouted out insults at either her/me in the evening on occasions when we went out into town but I just thought they were drunken lads.Why does it still hurt me at quiet times? I feel more anger than anything else. I think I need help.Do you guys think some form of counselling/therapy will help me out? Although I attract female attention just about every time I go out my confidence is shattered what with the feeling of rejection and the bitterness of the way I was treated is eating me up.When I get home I’m going to have a work out and blow off some steam - let that aggression out, have something to eat, and have a shower and make myself feel better. And then I am going to go out.What do you think?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (30 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question "Is it at all possible tht she is unconsicously driving you away so that you will leave her, but she does not have to take responsibiltiy for the break up?"
Well we did break up and yes, I do believe this is what happened. I had to take responsibility and end it.
I beleive she has got some sort of personality disorder... SHe was extreme in her mood swings and one one occassion we had an argument as she had a really bad headache, concerned I suggested she go see the Doctor/Optician and get it checked out (too self conscious to wear her glasses). She flew off the handle at me and at one point got so out of control she started hitting her own head in frustration/anger.
This was a big eye-opener for me and a couple of weeks after this is when I finally decided I'd had enough.
Looking back she did mention that she had some sort of "problem" but didn't want to talk about it.
"As it is, this relationship is going to end sooner or later, and I would suggest to end it now while you still have your own mental sanity left."
Done that 3 weeks ago and already the improvement in my health and well-being is clearly visible. I'm not stressed at all now and have found I now have more energy... I was pretty tired and stressed due to the nature of the relationship and the constant nagging and mood swings.
I can't help loving her but like you said "it wasn't enough alone", I issued an ultimatum. When this broke I left. I'm finding each day that goes past it's slowly getting easier - Sundays are the WORST though
I have enjoyed this exchange too - very interesting.
Thanks Mr Kermit.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 November 2007):
 Actually, I can very much relate. When I first moved in with my then fiance now wife, she entered a depression too.
An accident made her unable to work in her chosen profession, and all of her freinds and family abandoned her for being with me. She had taken a job, but it was an abusive situation, and she ahd to quit. For months she was everything you described and I stayed too.
However, I did put my foot down explaining our relationship would not survive if this continued. I loved her, but love is not enough in my view to make things work out. I got her a jog that would be something she could do, and not too stressful. Also I encouraged her to write a book about things she knew, and finally she found her dream job/future business and we are working together to make it happen. But I did issue an ultimatium. We never broke up. I told her if we break up once, that was it, so there was no yo-yoing.
Based on your most recent post, I have to wonder if she fears being attached to you knowing she may full well lose you in the end becuase of the relocation. Her friends were wrong. She is unable to be with you and detact.
Is it at all possible tht she is unconsicously driving you away so that you will leave her, but she does not have to take responsibiltiy for the break up?
As it is, this relationship is going to end sooner or later, and I would suggest to end it now while you still have your own mental sanity left.
I have very much enjoyed this exchange sir.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (28 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mr Kermit,"I really have to ask you with no apprehension...why would you have tolerated a woman that treated you so bad like this for so long? Rule of relationships # 5: The MOST important thing is how she treats you."I think the reason I tolerated it was we were both happy for the first 6-8 months, it was AMAZING, then things took a turn for the worst what with her family looking to relocate, she started to question the long-term. If she lived that far away it wouldn't work... However, she told me she spoke to her friends and they said "don't worry about that - just enjoy being together for now and wait and see what happens".There were also a fair few issues she had going on in her life and I honestly thought she was depressed. She was moody, up and down like a yo-yo, lazy, quiet, couldn't be bothered to do anything (not even working), complaining about anything and everything and making a huge drama out of the smallest things. I thought I'd stick by her and she'll snap out of it.I've been there in the past when I was made redundant shortly after my Dad passed away unexpectedly (long before this girlfriend). I felt useless, I couldn't be bothered, I felt lazy, horrible and tired all the time but after a month or so I snapped out of it, got off my arse, bounced back and sorted my life out.I suppose I was waiting for her to do the same.She treated me with lots of love, care, affection, support and we used to have a right laugh. After that "honeymoon" period she changed completely and I stuck around thinking she was having a hard time and once we come through the other side everything will be ok.That's the reason. It's still hard but I think as each day goes by it really is getting a little easier. I'm sure there will be plenty of highs and lows to come.I appreciate your comments Mr Kermit. I'm really interested in your comments - Excellent!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 November 2007):
Lets have a crack at this:
I've learned she's already met someone else (after just a week). Does she just want SOMEONE/ANYONE there for her? Just wants to feel loved? Perhaps this is the real thing this time? Maybe a rebound? Maybe she met him while we were together?
It sounds to me like she needs an incredible, almost unhealthy level of drama in her life. The need for drama is an emotional need of women...women NEED some drama to feel emotionally alive, but it sounds like she has an abnormal need for it. If this is the case, she may be dysfunctional. I usually assume a man would date a normal woman with a normal emotional range need, and do not assume the worst until I have reason too. With what you have continue to describe to me, I think it applies to her.
Do not be surprised that she has someone knew. If she is as attractive as you say, she will be able to get mens interests daily. She could have just met him, OR could have kept him as a back up emotional cookie man while she knew you. WOmen are on the recieving end of approaches, so they simply have more choice. THe foly is that she can only choose from who likes her, and not necessarily choose who she likes.
She may be with him for a variety of reasons that have NOTHING to do with you. SOme women feel a social scorn if they are single for any length of time, so they always make sure they can claim to have "a guy".
Honestly, you tested HER when you did not go back and made her prove herself, and in the end she failed. I really have to ask you with no apprehension...why would you have tolerated a woman that treated you so bad like this for so long? Rule of relationships # 5: The MOST important thing is how she treats you.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again Mr Kermit,
"As for the gf...she was COMPLETELY out of line. Now then, if this were a test again for dominace on your part, maybe to see if you will put up with her abusive nature, and you did not call her on her bullshit, then you failed."
I did call her up on this. I had a go at her for it and we argued about it. I didn't initiate the make-up this time and stuck to my guns. She felt so bad she initiated it but she didn't like it. Everything seemed to be a battle with her and in the end I just got tired of it.
In fact, I'm not a doormat at all, I put my foot down about everything. She's just so stubborn and needy and does have low self esteem issues (no idea why because she's gorgeous, sweet, sexy and funny... When she's HAPPY).
I've learned she's already met someone else (after just a week). Does she just want SOMEONE/ANYONE there for her? Just wants to feel loved? Perhaps this is the real thing this time? Maybe a rebound? Maybe she met him while we were together? The list of questions goes on.
It's a mystery to me. Perhaps you could shed some light on this? I'd be very interested to hear your views.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (24 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI Mr Kermit, you do raise some interesting points. I have to say I did put my foot down after each argument and told her whats what. She would call me and text me 10 times in the one night I went out for a work dinner (which I only went for the dinner then left before the party), same thing happened again the one time I went out with 2 old mates.
I'm not saying I passed any tests. I did put my foot down and told her to stop being an idiot. This is when I'd get the "well obviously I'm a bitch" and "maybe we shouldn't be together" messages. I had enough and left.
You do raise some interesting points but I find these testing games are ridiculous and a complete turn off. Obviously, I'm talking about extreme games here.
Anyway, I'll post with any updates as and when.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (24 November 2007):
Hey there,
I appreciate you writing back in such a professional manner.
you said:
I was 100% committed to her and supported her emotionaly, I was affectionate and romantic.
This may be part of the problem. Her behavior is such that she knows that she does not really deserve your committment, so she continues to act out as a test to see if you are dominant enough and high quality enough NOT to tolerate her attitude.
Affection that is given too easily, without merit, will never earn her trust as it can easily be taken away: Emotional need of fear of abandonment.
You said: then my ex-girlfriend flew off the handle at me for talking to her Mum. Her Mum asked me for goodness sake, what does she want me to do? Ignore her?
First, I feel for you and the situation with your grandmother. I had to take care of a dying parent, and I know how difficult that can be.
As for the gf...she was COMPLETELY out of line. Now then, if this were a test again for dominace on your part, maybe to see if you will put up with her abusive nature, and you did not call her on her bullshit, then you failed.
You said: I think the fact I was single and not in a relationship for approx. 5-6 years before meeting her says a lot.
Yup, but what it says to you about yourself, and how she will interpret this seems to be very different.
You said: I told her I did want to marry her and did everything for her... In the end I got nothing in return. But I never gave her any reason to doubt my committment and feelings for her - I spent literally every minute I wasn't at work with her.
Again, I think you see this as passing the tests, but in fact failed them. She knows that her behaviors would have sent most men to dump her. Yet you stayed and took abuse. That is not addressing her emotional needs, but violating them. Here is how that makes her doubt you: If you will put up with that kind of abuse without standin up for yourself, she will lose you to another woman that is more dominant to you than she is. In this respect she can never fully trust you not to leave her. I know this is NOT logical...this is emotional thinking on her part.
You said: This doesn't explain why she said things like "I can't be bothered with this anymore" and after every argument saying things like "maybe we shouldn't be together".
Actually, yes it does.
You said: I can't go through life with someone who isn't sure about what they want.
My guess is that she is thinking the exact same thing about you becuase of the way you did not address the emotional needs in a way that she could interpret as in your favor.
You said: In addition to this I always initiated the make-ups which never happened as she simply kept pushing me away mentally and every time I went to give her a cuddle she'd push me away physically too.
Have you ever tried NOT initiating the make-up, and dating other women instead?
You said: Perhaps you're right? Perhaps not.
I do appreciate that you did give some consideration to my work. So, thanks for that.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (24 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've read what you've said Mr Kermit. Unfortunately I don't agree with she was testing me. I was 100% committed to her and supported her emotionaly, I was affectionate and romantic. I have needs to and when I'm doing everything for her and got nothing in return I have to question the relationship.
We've had a bad relationship I think for a while. As an example I have had to take care of my 92-year-old Grandma and filed for Power of Attorney. My ex-girlfriend flew off the handle because while I was on my way to her place I called her and said I'm just going to pop in my Nan's bank and check the progress on the POA. Needless to say it ended up taking about an hour due to their administration errors. I phoned her straight after as I left and let her know I was now on my way and what a nightmare the bank was. When I got to hers I got nothing but attitude. I was happy to see her and wanted a cuddle, she opened the door, walked off and didn't even ask about it. I came in and shut the door behind me, as her Mum passed me she asked how it was and I told her the short version of the story, then my ex-girlfriend flew off the handle at me for talking to her Mum. Her Mum asked me for goodness sake, what does she want me to do? Ignore her?
I think the fact I was single and not in a relationship for approx. 5-6 years before meeting her says a lot. I told her I did want to marry her and did everything for her... In the end I got nothing in return. Perhaps you're right to a certain extent in that some of the time she was testing me... And maybe she was getting frustrated that it wasn't working? But I never gave her any reason to doubt my committment and feelings for her - I spent literally every minute I wasn't at work with her.
This doesn't explain why she said things like "I can't be bothered with this anymore" and after every argument saying things like "maybe we shouldn't be together". I can't go through life with someone who isn't sure about what they want. In addition to this I always initiated the make-ups which never happened as she simply kept pushing me away mentally and every time I went to give her a cuddle she'd push me away physically too.
Personally, I think she needs to grow up.
Perhaps you're right? Perhaps not.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (24 November 2007):
Firstly, just because she ended up with another guy does not mean she likes him more than you...she could just be doing it out of security. Easier to be in a different relationship than to be alone.
Next, she treated you that way becuase you present yourself as a person that gets treated that way. Look at how you behave right now. Instead of going out and meeting new women and making new friends DISPITE how you feel, you are wallowing in self pity.
Why would she say all those things, and commit actions that are different....here is my answer:
SHE WAS TESTING YOU, and evidentially you failed.
In each test she was expressing an emotional need, and when you failed the tests, she lost attraction for you.
Check out my profile, you can read 50 pages of the previews of my book to understand this more, without thinking about wanting to buy it at all.
-Frank B Kermit, author: Everything Out of her mouth is a test: A man's guide to the emotional needs of women
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (24 November 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCall me messed up (and YES I am a little typsy right now)but I wanted to let you all know tonight's events. For those of you that don't know my previous posts are here:1) 21/11/07http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-get-loads-of-attention-from-other-girls.html2) 22/11/07http://www.dearcupid.org/question/suspected-the-cheated-becomes-the-cheater.html3) 23/11/07http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex---ive-hit-a-low.htmlAnyway, after that terribly boring day at work, I got off home early, had some dinner, chilled out in front of the telly, did a workout, called an old mate I'd lost touch with, then decided to go out so had a nice hot shower and felt A LOT better. Put the old glad rags on and went out alone. Sound a bit girly but I advise any bloke to pamper themselves a bit and you'll be surprised how much better you feel (or maybe I'm just a bit of a girl).While out I bumped into an old school pal I hadn't seen in about 12 years and had a chat for about half hour and went and hit the dance floor. My speciality :)On the dance floor I was by myself just enjoying dancing and having a laugh. All of a sudden 2 girls came over and danced with me. I chatted to them... Just being my old usual witty self and started flirting with one of them. To be honest, I thought I'd forgotten how to flirt and was quite nervous at first. As I was making amusing small talk the good old wit and charm back, one of the girls went off and left her friend there (which happens to be the one I liked most). We danced and chatted for ages. She took my number and left about 10 minutes later as it was nearly closing time and they all had a cab booked. Her friend came over and asked me if I'd given her my number... I told her I had a really nice time and said I had offered it to her and I think she's gone to get her coat. She came back and took my number. She was out for a friends birthday and looking back I get the impression she liked me and her mates were helping with a bit of match-making. Maybe she'll call maybe she won't but the ball is in her court now. At least I know if she does call she's interested, if not she's not :)Once she'd left I finished my drink and another girl who was right next to us tried to chat me up but I was just polite to her, got my coat and left. I hope that lovely lady calls me. She was really nice.I'm not getting my hopes up but since I ditched the nightmare I've been attracting the ladies every time just getting out and being myself. Even if nothing comes of it I have a new sense of optimism everything will work out just fine. I must admit it was a bit of a shock after all this time to be in demand (I'm sure I've just had a run of luck). Really goes to show that no matter what happens, you never know what might happen or who you might meet. For the record I'd like to state that any other ladies so far I've not been interested in at all and gave them the cold shoulder.I'd reccomment to anyone going through anything like what I've been through to just try as best you can to just get out there and meet new people. Yeah, it's tough but just do it (I know I'll ikely have more times where I'm feeling low - you'll find out when I give my next update.Simply be yourself and if someone likes you, they'll like you for who you are.Whether this lovely lady gives me a call or not (I might regret saying this now as I will update you either way) I'm confident I will find the right woman for me. I've learnt from my last relationship and can honestly say I'm better off out of it! There's no way I could live like that for the rest or my life.Thanks to everyone here for their comments. I'll keep you all posted - good or bad. Be prepared to hear more of my highs and lows :)"As one door closes another one opens" as they say.Andy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Breaking up is terrible. You dont deserve to be treated the way that your ex has treated you. This relationship with the other guy to me sounds like a rebound. I think that yes she has chosen this guy as a way out from your relationship. She sounds like the kind of girl who cannot be alone and every time something goes wrong for her she will find the next person to take away what ever demons she is facing. There is no problems with going counselling as you are feeling down and they can help you talk through what you are feeling. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself occupied and getting out of the house. You sound like you are an attractive guy as you say that you get alot of attention from other people. However, because she has left you your self esteem has been knocked. You ARE NOT a bad person she owed it to you to be loyal to you and honest and she lacked these simple skills. She has disrespected you and DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. Keep talking about your feelings and if you have no one to share your problems with then try couselling or call careline on 08451228622. On days when you have know where to go you could go to the gy and let out some of your anger with weights. GOOD LUCK!
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