A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My "estranged" husband is always trying to keep tabs on me and I feel like it's an invasion of my privacy. We are separated and no longer live together. We have a young child (under 10) who lives with me and will stay with him on the occasional weekend. He also kind of has a free pass to stop by for dinner to see her.The issue is when I want to go out anywhere, he wants to know what I'm doing and will get angry and accuse me of "not having an open communication or having a good relationship with him" because I'm hiding things. As far as I'm concerned, what I do with my time is my business. I'm not asking any special favours from him. If he were not a toxic, manipulative person, I would have no issues. I don't know how to deal with him. Last time I told him it was none of his business, he freaked out, saying I was ruining the potential to have a good relationship for the sake of parenting and that he wouldn't care what I was doing but I needed to tell him. That's a lie. He does care and does make low key comments veiled as "jokes" about seeing other guys. I'm not, but if I were dating, I would have the decency to be transparent about it, but again, he would freak out. I'm just worried he'll try to get more time with our child just to get back at me or do other vindictive things. I think he's still holding out that we'll get back together even though we've been separated for almost 2 years and living apart for 3 months. How do I deal with my "ex" husband trying to keep tabs on me?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2019):
 If you want your ex to get over his sense of entitlement as far as what you are doing and with whom is concerned you need to formalise arrangements between the two of you.
While its nice to think he feels welcome enough to drop in and have dinner with you and his child when ever he feels like it this could be contributing to him feeling that he has a right to delve deeply into your life and your movements.
Sad to say the only way to stop it is to formalise the arrangements between the two of you, specified access weekends and if you wish you can still have him for dinner a couple of nights a month but days and times need to be pre arranged. No more dropping in ad hoc whenever he feels like it.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (4 December 2019):
Let him freak out. Tell him what you do is none of his business and stick to it. If you haven’t you need to get a formal separation agreement. One that spells out custody and visitation.
Again continue to tell him what you do is none of his business and stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2019):
 I too agree with YCBS as well. GET the divorce finalized. HAVE a proper COURT MANDATED visitation schedule and BE firm in HIM not NEEDING to know squat about YOUR personal plans.
With a court mandated visitation schedule he can't just do things with visitation to be vindictive. At least not without the possibility of you taking him to court.
If HE is hoping there will be a reconciliation you YOU don't want one, getting a divorce so HE too can move on is the way to go. Maybe then, he will get more busy minding HIS own life than trying to mind yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): If you're still married and only separated; the delay gives him some justification to know where you'd be in-case of an emergency. You still have a child together! It's really the only reason he would need to know. If he freaks out, he'll just have to freak-out; if it happens to be someplace he doesn't approve. You're a grown-woman!
Until you're divorced, why would you draw anyone else into this drama? Dating while separated (with kids) is setting yourself up for a retaliatory child-custody battle! No outsider needs to participate in your pre-divorce melodrama. Being transparent would be more like rubbing salt in the wound. Technically, the guy would be dating a married-woman.
As long as it has no bearing on the wellbeing and safety of your child, he doesn't need the details. He can always reach you by phone. If you got stranded, delayed, or ran into trouble, who would you call? Would you disclose your location? He could always GPS-track your smartphone anyway!
How would wanting more time with his child be a problem for you? Is he the biological-father?
If you've been dragging your feed about divorce and just stringing the guy along...maybe you can own some of the blame! Why keep putting-up with all this nonsense?
My advice? Get the gears turning and get the divorce over and done with! That's when you can enjoy your freedom. Rather than playing mind-games and being vindictive towards each other! What's holding up the legalities? Most people drag it on and on to make each other jealous; or when they can't decide if they really want to do it. They will also do it just to see who starts dating first; just to get jealous, and create more drama!
He's not your "EX-husband" until the divorce is final, and the legal-ink is dry!
Separated for 2 years?!! Seriously?!! Somebody is trying to punish somebody!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): I suspect that two years of living together after the break up has delayed his dealing with the break up. He didn't have to let go of you back then and he does now. The best thing you can do is have firm boundaries. (Which I think includes revoking the 'free pass' at least for now) He may not like it but he will hopefully get used to it. If you think he's a danger to you or your daughter then that is another matter and I would seek legal advice about custody arrangments. If you think it's just a matter of him having hissy fits then he will likely get past it in time once it sinks in that you're truly gone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2019):
 I agree with YCBS. If you exclude getting back together, why dragging the separation on ? get a divorce, and have court- mandated, regular visitations,BTW. What's this stuff about
" the occasional weekend " and the " free pass for dinner " ?
You don't need to try and restrict his access to his daughter, if he is a good parent, - if you both agree, he can
be as involved as his heart desires… but the current arrangement is too casual and unstructured . That's also what, subconsciously, encourages him to overstep boundaries : the fact that ..certain boundaries have not been set yet, and he may be estranged, but is not officially an ex.
Anyway : I agree that where you want to go is none of his business , but, why does the subject even come up . I mean, unless you ask him to babysit for you while you go out, I think you can easily exclude from conversation the subject of your free time ; when he shows up, you can still act civil, even cordial if you wish, sticking to more neutral subjects , like your daughter, the weather, music, TV,sports , whatever. Nothing personal. Another thing that sort of allows him to think you'll reconcile , even if it's wishful thinking, is that , if you talk about certain things ,anything personal like your future outings or holiday plans etc.., even if just for screaming " None of your business, buster ! " ... still, you do not put enough distance between you and him, between his life and yours. I know that it may feel stilted and weird to only talk about the weather or hockey teams or the evening news with a man you married and lived with for years- but if you want him our of your life , that also means nipping in the bud, and firmly, any attempt to relate as more than if you were two polite strangers , say, sitting side by side on the bus. You don't need to be best friends to co-parent effectively. You might try to explain him that- or, if you fear it would be wasted breath- you can just act it : firmly, consistently and repeatedly. After all, actions speak louder than words.
So, - stick to your guns... and get a divorce asap. All clear, final and legal. Then he can freak out as much as wants, it won't change a thing.
Why do you say I'm worried he'll try to get more time with our child ... " ? Would that be a bad thing ? And why ? Often men take their " revenge " ... by abandoning their kids and absenting themselves totally from their life, if there's a separated / divorced dad who instead wants to be very present for his daughter... that sounds like a very good thing to me, it just needs to be agreed upon and subject to rules , not left to "spur of the moment " impulses, and that's ( also ) what divorce courts are for.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 December 2019):
 In your shoes, if you are sure you are not going to reconcile (sounds to me like you are sure!), I would start divorce proceedings. While you are still officially married, he holds out hope you will reconcile. Just make sure you keep yourself safe as, if he feels he is losing his hold over you (imaginary or otherwise), he may freak out even more.
In the meantime, stick to your guns and just keep repeating, calmly and clearly,"It is none of your business". You do NOT have to tell him ANYTHING about your personal life. If he CHOOSES to freak out, there is nothing you can do about it. Let him act like a brat and leave him to his bad behaviour. In your shoes I would be telling him stuff to guarantee to make him freak out but which would obviously not be true. "Tonight? Oh, I am meeting up with a rugby team for an orgy. Thought I'd give it a try." Make him see how ridiculous his behaviour really is.
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