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female
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*ooking for answers
writes: Hello everyone,For the first time in my life I found a man I want to commit to for the rest of my life. We've been together for the past 3 years, and every bit of it has been amazing. He is primarily me best friend. He has taken me away from a broken past and mended my wounds; he gives me a sort of unconditional love I have never experienced before him. I fear however that I may poison our relationship and future together because I am too dependant on him for this love. People have given me so much advice, they say to find hobbies, and keep myself occupied. Well I have hobbies, and friends, and interests, so this advice seems irrelevant. It's just that, I'd rather be with him, and rather he be with me than anything else. I'm happier this way, and I know I rely on him too heavily for this. This attachment to him just feels so natural, but I know it is draining, and damaging for us both. I get too upset over him leaving me, even if it's just for a night. I get too upset when he doesn't come home when he says he will, or when he doesn’t call to tell me he’ll be late. I get too upset over the most ridiculous things I criticize others for doing to their spouses. I don’t want to control his life, but my emotions just seem to take over me, and only after the damage is done can I apologize. Is this something that I can change in myself? How? Where do I start? Your answers are truly appreciated.
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female
reader, Looking for answers +, writes (13 May 2006):
Looking for answers is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your kind words and advice. He left me last night. I can't do this, I feel so numb and stupid. I don't know what to say to make him understand it will not always be like this, and that I want/need this change for myself too. I lost the most incredible man I've ever known, I don't know what to do next. He said he's going to leave for a couple days, and he'll talk to me when he returns. I can't do this. Letting him leave last night was the hardest thing I've ever done. What do I do now?
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (10 May 2006):
 Get some counselling is the honest answer, from a psychologist, not any old person. You can also try an exercise that I did once. It worked and I was amazed. Get a notepad and draw five columns on it. The first will be headed "Trigger". This will be a note of the event that makes you feel bad. Could be a conversation, phone call, tv programm, email etc etc.
The next column is "Feeling". Put in all yours, like anger, fear etc. Next column is "Negative feelings about myself" that arise from that event. The next column in "Positive feelngs about myself". The last is "Behaviour". I used to have go for a drive, have a glass of wine or a cigarette in mine.
When you get a panic or any strong emotion write it down. Keep the pad in your bag. After two weeks read it and you will be amazed about what you think of yourself and the patterns that come up. For the next two weeks do the same, but you MUST make the positive column longer than the negative. It is really hard to think of things at first. It retrains your brain, I promise. I still think you would benefit from some counselling as well. Good luck in your future.
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