A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been an absolute idiot and I’m so embarrassed.I met up with a friend yesterday, a few afternoon beers turned into a few more and by 6pm we were streaming. We were having a good laugh and chat. Anyway, obviously due to covid we were catching up on things. She’s recently left her controlling husband and getting a divorce. I told brought her up to speed on my love life. Met a girl online about a year ago, who is quite simply fantastic. We’re both really laid back, and see each other about 3 weekends a month and stay over one night during these times. When I described my relationship my friend casually just said “oh so you’re friends with benefits?”. To which I was all oh no, no, more than that. Then my drunken brain went into irrational free fall. A year in and I’ve only ever met her brother, who’s temporarily living with her. No one else, none of her friends. FaceTime her mum who lives abroad, when restrictions lift we’ll likely go over and meet her. She has met most of my immediate family and some of my friends, a few times. So said drunken brain became annoyed about this, and I sent quite a few texts about was I just a friend with benefits? How come I’d never met any friends? Covid isn’t an excuse any more. Blah blah, you get the gist. I was home and in bed for 10pm, I woke at 3am for a drink of water, checked my phone and was appalled at my texts. They hadn’t been read so I tried to delete them (WhatsApp) but time delay meant I could only delete them from my phone. Girlfriend read them, was gutted at seeing my “true feelings”. I feel like I’ve spoiled our great relationship now, I’ve apologised and said they definitely weren’t my true feelings. I just don’t know how to make amends, feel dreadful.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2021):
 I'm glad to have helped, OP
I hope you two get to work it out and spend more time in person. It makes such a difference in a relationship.
Sometimes another person's perspective can help, sometimes not so much because they don't know the people but only get a glimpse. In this case, it was good that you were open to listen to another view and think about that.
Doesn't matter how old a question is, updates are always great for us "aunts & uncles".
Always feel free to pop in :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying, honeypie, considering it’s quite an old post and I imagine trivial compared to some of the advice people ask. Your advice about her brother was really quite insightful, and yes, he is much younger he’s 29. His girlfriend is 24 I think. You’ve given me perspective, I shouldn’t be comparing it. Their relationship is full on (almost every day together since day 1) so nothing like ours, and I think perhaps he does have a tendency to show off. Your words have actually comforted me that ours is a slower more rational mature relationship. We did speak about where it was going and what we want. She’s all in and does agree we need more time together. I guess it’s all about finding that time, and I shouldn’t have lost sight that she does want to and will start introducing me to people. What I’m saying is your advice really helped and I think it has made a difference to how I think. So thank you. I mean that.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2021):
I would be honest with her. And maybe have a talk about where you both see the relationship going. And how are things after this "drunk texts episode" has passed? Are you two moving forward?
To me, it seems more like an FWB (I kinda agree with your friend there) if you rarely see each other and only sleep over once a month really. I know Covid made it hard for people to spend time together in person, so there is that too and if you two live far from each other it also complicates matters, as far as how often you can go spend time together.
I really wouldn't compare your relationship with that of her brother. He might be way more into "showing off" his love interest than your partner is. If he is younger, I can definitely see this. And even though they only knew each other 6 months prior to the Spain trip, maybe they have spent more time together (in person) in those 6 months than you and your partner. Know what I mean? The Brother's GF might also have been a pushy kind of gal who just WANTED to get a vacation to Spain lol
I think comparing in this instance is a little unfair, but I still get why you feel this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood advice, Dionne. Really good.
I just don’t know what to do. I was prepared to explain I’m looking for more and then I find out about the brother’s girlfriend going to Spain. And well…I guess I feel like a 2nd class citizen now. How do I even raise that without sounding like a right d*ck?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale, anonymous who replied.
You know, maybe you’re right.
Ahhh I just don’t know. She’s recently been over to see her mum and stepdad in Spain. Stepdad’s birthday. I wasn’t invited and didn’t expect to be, family gathering etc. (She hasn’t seen in mum in over a year, and plan is that we’ll go together next month). Only I’ve just found out her brother’s girlfriend went and they’ve only been seeing each other 6-months. This sounds a bit wimpy, but I actually feel quite hurt about that. In some ways she’s perfect but this is really bothering me now to the point where I don’t know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale, anonymous who replied.
You know, maybe you’re right.
Ahhh I just don’t know. She’s recently been over to see her mum and stepdad in Spain. Stepdad’s birthday. I wasn’t invited and didn’t expect to be, family gathering etc. (She hasn’t seen in mum in over a year, and plan is that we’ll go together next month). Only I’ve just found out her brother’s girlfriend went and they’ve only been seeing each other 6-months. This sounds a bit wimpy, but I actually feel quite hurt about that. In some ways she’s perfect but this is really bothering me now to the point where I don’t know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 July 2021):
 Rule number 1: Never text while drunk. No but seriously I think it should be everyones rule whether one drinks responsibly or not. It's just a good rule to live by. You say that those weren't your true feelings but if I'm being honest, they do seem to be the sentiments of your heart. With that being said, she probably has a good reason for holding off on some of the things that she has been holding off on, thus far, and she probably has valid reasons for doing things this way. If you were really content with how things were, you wouldn't have let your conversation get to you like it did. These were probably things that got to you, maybe even on a subconscious level and to be fair, you're well within your right to want answers. The issue is, you addressed your concerns at the wrong time and probably in a way that you never would have, otherwise. That's what's freaking you out. Perhaps you're normally laid back and reasonable and this approach made you seem paranoid and out of control. I get it. You need to address whatever concerns you have when you have them and preferably when you're sober. Trust me, I know people who have waited until they've had a drink to "say something" and it NEVER comes out right even if your intentions were good. Judging from your responses, the two of you have spoken about it all and everything is good but let this be a lesson and serve as a reminder to put your cellphone away when you drink and live (responsibly) in the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): "She’s recently left her controlling husband and getting a divorce."
This comment is what I based my response on. There's going to be some leftover trauma and sensitivity due to dealing with difficult aggressive male-behavior that ended her marriage. I suggested cutting back on drinking; so you'll lessen the probability of something else said or done you'll have to blame on alcohol. Is an alcoholic-boyfriend any better than a controlling-husband? She has seen you drunk a few times? Let's hope she's not counting!
That's my advice. Take-it or leave-it!
I hope she comes around, and you'll consider all our advice. It's free!
I like the flowers idea, and telling her you were a dumbass! Spare no expense, make it a lovely bouquet!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): Why are you so upset OP?
Your concerns are valid.
You only see each other on weekends and have one sleep over?
After just one year, that does sound casual and exactly like a FWB situation.
Looks like she wants you at arm's length with her own space and her own life.
Doesn't sound serious. And how do you know she isn't seeing someone else too?
Hardly seeing each other makes the sex better.
Looks like that's all you two have.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2021):
Send her flowers.
Tell her you were a dumbass.. She will get over it.. if it doesn't happen again.
And do talk to her if you are a little insecure about where your relationship is going etc. It's OK everyone has that moment at some point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDisagree Wiseowl. I think the other two pieces of advice I’ve been given have been sound. Yours not so helpful.
She’s seen me drunk a few times, we’ve had mini U.K. breaks and both gone out. And plenty of time during lockdown for meals and drinks at mine. The drinking didn’t help me have a rational stop button that’s for sure, but wasn’t the problem per se, honeypie hit the nail on the head with that.
Yes, I dropped the ball. But have no track history of being a bull-ish drunk. We spend it laughing, chatting etc.. Hence being so mortified and embarrassed by this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Now she has been introduced to the drunk you! That's a red-flag anyway you look at it.
It now depends on her willingness to forgive you. You can't be pushy or too persistent; because she deserves the time to digest and analyze the situation. Humble yourself, cutback on your drinking, and try to show more maturity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, you’re brutal haha, but completely right of course. It is highly embarrassing to have done that at my age. And I agree, clearly the seed was already there. A mis-placed seed. I’ve thought about that. And yeah, I think I did have some concerns that I wasn’t really a priority, and I should have handled that in a mature way.
Guess sometimes you have to drop the ball to learn a lesson the hard way.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2021):
Good grief,
You are in your 40's? Drunken texts should be a thing of the past!
There is no excuse for this. Sorry, you stepped it in.
Yake a few minutes and consider, HOW you would feel if SHE had said the same to you.
And take some time to figure out why you feel a bit insecure in this relationship. Because DRUNK or not, you do. "Drunk brain" wouldn't have done this if there wasn't some rationale to it.
And talk to her again, you might have to apologize a few more times and BE open about things.
And FFS if you can't control yourself while drunk, don't drink or put your phone away when drunk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. You’re right. We spoke and she’s been very gracious about it all. Never, ever will I send a drunk text again.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 July 2021):
 Ok you have sent some drunken texts that you regret sending, and that you should not have sent her.
What is done, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs op, you have apologised which is all you can do at this point so all you can do is leave the ball in her court and see if your apology is accepted.
I would not go chasing it, hounding her with calls and texts, you have to leave it down to her now to decide what she wants to do.
But i would use this as a learning curve and refrain from sending and texts or messages while under the influence of alcohol.
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