A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met an older guy a few weeks ago through work. He messaged me and we just got talking none stop. I found him really nice while working with him, even though it was briefly and he was saying all the right things. We went on a date and I met him for coffee the next day. It all went well and then a couple of weeks later I faced a trauma. He came to my rescue for a couple of days and I was due to see him again a couple of days later. He told me the day before his mother wasn’t well and needed to take her to hospital. Then said his son had to come and stay with him fir a few days, so our weekend was off. He didn’t seem bothered that our weekend was off, he never apologised and didn’t reschedule anything. I just got a feeling he was lying and didn’t want me there. I gave him the opportunity to be honest with me and said I was walking away cause he had let me down. He replied with whatever you believe and say. He’s sent one message after a week congratulating me and I said thanks and heard no more. If he cared for me would he not fight for me. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): Is he married? Or is there another woman in the picture? How do you know he is not keeping his options open and dating other women or an offer he liked better came along?
I would leave him alone. No sense in obsessing over him. I doubt he is doing the same thing. He seems to have a life that he is content with. You, on the other hand, need more to keep you busy and perhaps work on finding new hobbies and meeting new people. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. I assure you, he is not. You are going to come across as a little obsessed. Keep it professional from now on. Choose to be happy with you and with your life, without a man. The right one will come along and you will know it when that happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Typo correction:
"Then you have to make sure it's not "neediness" that's motivating and compelling you; thus, overriding your commonsense."
P.S.
I really don't think he has had the time to establish any feelings one-way or the other.
This is precisely why dating co-workers or clients is such a bad idea. Things are going to seem weird or awkward between you from now on. Unless you switch-on "professional-mode," and just get on with your life. Your workplace should never turn into a set for a soap opera.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): I think the hardest thing for any of us to fathom in the dating-world, is that some encounters are brief. Even if we find the person nice, attractive, and we have a few things in-common. He had some family issues that arose. Maybe you're right, and he's lying. Be that the case, he has no reason to pursue things any further; and if he seemed to be losing interest, it is what it is. You just move on. You told him you were walking away; and considering the fact there's nothing official, that's your prerogative.
Don't always assume there's anything wrong with you; or take it as a blow to your self-esteem or ego. You only met a few weeks ago.
Rejection will always be hard to take. It just takes some will-power not to allow it to get to you. You have to develop the resilience to bounce-back after disappointment. You don't let it crush you. You have, or will have to, reject people yourself. You may like them, but they're not exactly your best choice of a match. When you're lonely, or tired of searching for love; you might get your hopes up on every date. It's best to keep your feelings reserved; while you determine where things are going, before sprinting ahead of events.
The gentleman has nothing to fight for. He's not committed, or in an official-relationship with you. You just dated a couple of times. You both enjoyed each-other's company. Sometimes that doesn't lead to anything more. Especially, if he's not seeking a relationship.
Trust has to be earned. You can't trust before you're fully-familiar or acquainted with your love-interest.
Losing trust in all men shouldn't happen; just because things don't turn-out as you've hoped. Mainly because you've allowed yourself to see too far ahead of the reality of things. Any connection might be a potential relationship; but you really need to take time to know you're both on the same page about it. Then you have make sure it's not neediness that's motivating and compelling you; thus, overriding your commonsense. That's how you find yourself committed too soon; and discovering things about a man you've overlooked, because you were too anxious to jump into a relationship.
You also have to be sensible; carefully determining if a connection is building-up to a romance, or just friendship.
I understand, how his nonchalance would hurt your feelings. I think it would hurt my feelings too, in a similar situation. I think he was simply being compliant by yielding to your wish to move on; but it's entirely up to you how you'd prefer to take it.
There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't sabotage anything; but you may have let your feelings get ahead of you. You should pace your feelings. Try not to foresee too much, or overthink things at the beginning of dating people. It would save you much disappointment.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 July 2021):
 He's probably been warned for stalking before.
Because that is what it is legally called when a woman says she is "walking away", and the man "fights for you".
I wouldn't call it self sabotage. I'd call it, the ball is in your court.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2021):
 There was nothing to "fight" for. You two only really spend a little time over a couple of weeks getting to know each other.
You made the choice to READ/DETERMINE that he must have been lying and not wanting to see you. Without really knowing for sure.
HE made the choice to not waste any more time on this.
Sometimes life throws a wrench in carefully laid plans. He informed you that he had to reschedule with you and you took it as " he isn't into me".
It could BE that what he said had happened had actually happened (the sick mom and son coming home to stay a while). It's absolutely feasible. And IF it was true I can see why he didn't "try harder" to convince you. Why bother?
BUT it can also be that your "gut instinct" was right and he just didn't feel like seeing you and keep those plans. And if that is the case, well, be glad you didn't waste more than a couple of weeks on him.
However, since you DO NOT know him or his life that well, you have absolutely no idea if you just overreacted.
He didn't need to apologize. His mom got sick, his son showed up. That is just life. Secondly, he didn't make new plans because he didn't want to make plans and cancel them again in case the mom didn't get better or needed more help. His mom and son are a MUCH higher priority than a woman he has been seeing for a couple of weeks.
"If he cared for me would he not fight for me."
IF YOU cared you would have given him the benefit of the doubt.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (26 July 2021):
 I think that you have got to give him the benefit of the doubt here as he could very well have needed to take him mother to the hospital, then have his son stay with him for the weekend.
This relationship is still very much in its infancy, its only been a few weeks, i think its to early to be going back to him asking him to be honest with you, and not trusting what he is doing at the weekend.
I would now just leave the ball in his court now and wait to see if he get's back to you, but i would not go chasing him.
If he cared for you would he not fight for me?. OP you met this guy 2 weeks ago. I think your treating this relationship like you have been together 5 years, i think that you should take a chill pill and relax more about the whole thing.
If he does not get back to you, i hope it does not cause to much awkwardness at work for you.
...............................
|
