A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My story is long but I'm really suffering..I will start at the very beginning.In high school I had a crush on a boy Named Dakota.And I never got crushes. I had one boyfriend before this, But we broke up because I had fallen out of love.I thought Dakota was too good for me. He was an actor and did some modeling.So I gave up on him.A few years later a few friends and I were waiting for one of their moms to get off work.Dakota was walking to a store just next to us. I hugged him and asked how he was doing and then after a bit he went to his store.I asked my friends if I could invite him to our party later and they said yes. So speeding up here he came back and said yes but he needed to go home and grab some stuff.While he was gone my friend was threateningTo steal him. But the whole night he never took his eyes off me.I drank too much and he looked after me.My friends said we were cute together so instead of asking if we could go out I accidentally asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes.We met the next day and talked forHours. It's so easy to talk to him.Fast forward a bit and we moved in together on our one year anniversary. And he proposed within about a year in a half.I said yes because I love him. But he didn't even get me a pretty ring just a small promise ring.He told me in school he secretly liked me. He heard my laugh in the halls and wanted to make me smile like that.But he wants to be an actor..I was supportive but in school he wasn't supposed to actually kiss this girl but he did,I found out on my birthday. I was looking thru his yearbook and saw a picture of them kissing.. It killed me and we argued for hours. Apperantly she stepped too close and kissed him.And another time we were arguing because I didn't want him to go for main role where he kisses someone.He started texting this girl from acting and trying to convince her to kiss him for the audition. I found that text and the kiss never happened. But I'm still a bit hurt.We agreed to move to the city in a year and decidedHe would go for roles with no romance.Everything was going amazing..One day he randomly tells me "I want to move next month and I will pursue acting. For main roles. Ill do anything I'm told for a role. IfYou stay I will pay rent for next month and full your fridge and cupboards up. I will wait for you but I'm getting a place with my best male friend." I was shocked it came out of nowhere.. We had a huge fight and it hurts to know acting comes before me. We were so happy.. It came out of nowhere.I'm going with him and letting him act because I love him and I can't see myself loving another.But I'm not sure anymore. It feels like he doesn't care what I want or think. It's my lifeToo but he won't compromise. He said he make out with someone if he needs to and he would roll around under te sheets in his underwear with a girl if he needed to for the role. I wanted him to act but I can't watch that or know that he's going to go be with some girl all day. I hate acting and I'm afraid he will find someone he likes much better.. He says he won't. But lately we argue so much I'm not sure if I should stay with him.. I don't want him to get a role. I want him to suck and give up on that and start a family with me. It's probably selfish but it hurts so bad.. And we both hate being away from each other. If he becomes an actor he will be gone for months. I don't want to be pregnant one day and have to raise the kid myself. It kills me to think of him gone. And he's so aggressive about it. If I say how I feel or what I would prefer him to do its like talking to a Brick wall. I told him I feel like he's not listening. He said "I'm listening I'm just not doing anything about it." It's my life too. I don't see why we can't compromise. He wants to act and wants me. I said that's selfish. We don't always get what we want.I just don't know where to go from here.Please help!
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female
reader, stephaniepowers  +, writes (11 January 2014):
I know that this reply is extremely late, but I feel that I need to explain a few things about dating "actors." I am an actress living in Hollywood (however, I have no delusions of grandeur, I'm only trying to have some unforgettable experiences while I'm somewhat young). I will begin by expressing that this guy clearly is completely lost in life. He proposed to you, which is supposed to show a very serious commitment. He first agreed not to take romantic roles, then decided that you had "no say" in his life AFTER you agreed to the proposal. He sounds very manipulative. Unfortunately, most people who are attempting to "become famous" and "go all the way" with the entertainment industry will do almost anything to succeed. Sweetie, you deserve so much better. Also, do you really want to have to follow someone who will chase a pipe dream for the rest of their life? He might be better off playing the lottery. At least he could maintain a full time job with that option. Most actors spend the majority of their time unemployed. Worse, while they AREN'T working, they still have to pay for head shots, acting classes, etc. it seriously never ends. I once dated an "aspiring actor" and I paid for 99% of everything every single time we went anywhere. Even when he DID get a decent paying small role, he would spend the extra money on as many classes as he could afford. He also had 3 roommates in a very small one-bedroom apartment... and he was in his MID-THIRTIES! He seriously slept on a mattress in a living room and claimed that "he would try to be famous until the day he died!" He ALSO supposedly wanted a family someday. My advice to you is to run VERY VERY far away! You will never be a real priority in his life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): It's 'you're' OP. It means 'you are'. 'Your' is a possessive.
You don't want him to act in a role where he's in a relationship or has to pretend to have intimacy?
Well you're just being ridiculous then OP. There is no kind of acting except for monologue, one actor plays that don't involve some kind of relationship. The whole idea of acting is being able to perform well the relationships that people can relate to within the context of the story.
Do you know how hard it is to get roles? Do you think he'd actually be able to make a career with this if he couldn't accept roles where he may have a romantic interest in the female lead? Name one movie where that doesn't happen. Go ahead. Name one. Then tell me how it's fair that he should have to give up his entire career because you can't separate fact from fiction.
You need to go find yourself another boyfriend, or more accurately he needs to find a more supportive less insecure girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Op, I may be a " dick" but I am also someone who has trained professionally to be an actor ( 4 years ) and worked professionally ( regularly paid, not as a hobby, or " for the exposure ".. ) both on stage and behind ( 8 years ). I have at least a vague idea of what I am talking about :
That is his job. You can 't ask him to limit himself to " non-relationship " roles at an age and physical shape where that would be 75 % of the roles he can audition for. Scene are also added or modified during filming or rehearsals you know ? What if he gets lucky, and gets a role, say, in the next Woody Allen 's flick, and one day Woody says " wait a minute, Dakota, I had a wonderful idea, now you take your shirt off and hug tightly Scarlett Johansson "... what is he supposed to do, say No way, Mr. Allen,my gf would not like that ?.
Established actors get to pick and choose, to say I'll do this I won't do that. Not rookies. If they want to work in show biz FOR REAL, and not just as a way to occasionally supplement their day job of waiting tables, or as a way to impress chicks.
Yes, I understand that some things may make you uncomfortable. Same as the OB/Gyn's or plastic surgeon's wife may feel a bit uncomfortable knowing that her husband has always his hands all over other women's naked bodies , and some of these bodies may be really outstanding. What do you think they do, they say :" Oh no, you can operate noses but not boobs , you can visit postmenopausal women but not young hot teenagers ..."
Ridicolous.
The truth is that it takes a special type of person to be the partner of an actor ( or of a plastic surgeon :), very self confident ,open minded, generous and invested in the success of her/his partner.
Maybe you aren't that type of person.
And, a special type of relationship. Strong, secure . Committed . The type of r/ship where yes, he may get an automatic erection while pawing Scarlett Johansson's ass ( he is a professional actor, but he is still a human being ) , but, the moment the scene is completed, he immediately and smoothly steps out of his character and out of the physical " moment ", and back to real life, real love, real gf.
Maybe that's not your type of relationship.
Is the acting profession one who expose you to high level of temptations ? Definitely yes, like any other job that puts you in touch with many people and involves at times being "social " ,being popular. Say, like a bartender . Or , that may involve being tactile - like the plastic surgeon we said.
Are all actors horny cheating dogs ? No. Not at all. That always depends from the person, not from the circumstances.
A cheating-frendly mailman will try it on with the ladies on his route, a non cheating mailman will be strictly professional. Ditto for the actor.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Rock Hudson kissed most of of his leading ladies...now THAT was acting. It's the nature of the business you better just deal with it sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Dear OP,
You said: (and it’s not highlighted as verified from the OP but I’m assuming with the name calling you’re upset.
“Your (sic) all dicks I come here for help and get shot down. I'm not asking him to not act! I'm asking him to not go for roles where he has to have sex or try to not go for a relationship role. I don't think that's too much to ask because would you want to see your boyfriend rolling around with some half naked girl or French kissing her.”
OP, I understand your feelings but it’s not like he’s saying he wants to date others… he wants to WORK…. And it’s a JOB… yes it’s a bit different than if I told my husband that I want him only working on SQL databases vs PHP databases because I think that free software is cheap and easy vs paying for it… but it’s the same thing in the overall picture. You are telling this guy you supposedly love and want to be happy that he can do his job but only if you are ok with it.
You do not have the right to ask him to not do parts of a job. Part of loving someone is accepting them where they are and for who they are. NOT trying to make them what they want to be.
IF you cannot cope with his chosen profession and all it entails perhaps it would be better for you to walk away from this man and find one who has a job you are comfortable with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): The more you hold him back the more distance you are putting between the two of you. Acting is his dream and I'm sure even one of the reasons you fell in love with him. Why do you want him to end one of the qualities that drew you to him in the first place? If you love him you have got to support him. Why don't you go with him and fulfill your own dreams too? At your age the only thing you want to do is get married and have kids? Really? There is a whole world out there full of adventure and opportunity. Furthermore, you are worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. You can't imagine how cutthroat the film biz is. He'll be lucky if he even gets a five second speaking role on a low budget short film within the next couple of years.By the way, I know this couple, and the guy too is an actor and a musician. He wanted to move cross country for music and school and she didn't. So he went without her. He was gone for three years, thought about her the entire time, graduated and recently moved back to their hometown and they picked up right where they left off. Love is love. But then again she wasn't trying to hold him back and kept doing her own thing and making her life interesting the whole time he was gone. I feel like if you had dreams of your own and more going for you, you wouldn't feel so threatened by his goals. You really should work on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Your all dicks I come here for help and get shot down. I'm not asking him to not act! I'm asking him to not go for roles where he has to have sex or try to not go for a relationship role. I don't think that's too much to ask because would you want to see your boyfriend rolling around with some half naked girl or French kissing her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): By the way I'm not askingHim to stop. Just to not go for sex scenesOr a lot of kissing. Yes it bugs me, but I'm not the selfish one here.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2013):
The one who is being selfish is you to be honest OP.
He wants to be an actor. He's always wanted to be an actor and being an actor requires him to live in a particular place and take particular actions (kissing women in his role). You knew this. You can't accept this. And that's ok.... but what you have to accept is that you can't accept it and you need to let him go.
We can't always get what we want. You want him. You want him not acting.... well then the problem is that's not him.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 February 2013):
Exactly : in this case , you do not get what you want . I.e. a non-acting boyfriend.
You knew long time ago that he was , or wanted to be , an actor. It's not like he told you I am a fireman, or I work at Home Depot, then he changed his mind . You knew being an actor was his dream, his passion, his life goal ( and a hard one to reach, but that's another story ,one has to try and try and try again and again before saying : no,for me it's not going to happen ) and you were OK with it, now because you have changed your mind , he should change it too ? I bet that most of his charm in highschool was in your eyes that he was a model-slash-wannabe actor. This is a case of " I love you, you are perfect, now change ".
Of course acting is more important than you, you are a nice lovely 18-21 girl ,...and acting is his career, his FUTURE ( at least the way he sees it now ). Would you ask a bf to drop college for you if he was studying to be a lawyer or a surgeon ? I guess not, but if you did, the guy would thumb his nose at you. And this is just the same.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Hardly anyone actually makes it in the acting world. I think he should audition a few times and see if he makes it. If not then he should accept that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
I don't think he's being selfish, he's being realistic. You're essentially asking him to put his dreams on hold for you. THAT is being selfish.
He tried to compromise for you by not going after romantic roles. Unfortunately that didn't work out for him.
I don't blame you for being bothered by it but you're acting as if he is cheating on you. Obviously he's not. It's sort as if you bumped into someone and your bodies touched. Does that mean you were cuddling? Does a Dr. go without seeing his patients naked? It's a necessary part of the job, and if you want to be with someone in that field you HAVE to accept it.
It may seem like it's the acting that's hurting your relationship, but it's your reaction to it that's the real issue. Trying to prevent someone from following their dreams is a good way to make them resent you.
I hope you can learn to accept it and not let it hurt you because it's really the only viable option in this relationship. Good luck.
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