A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Wonder if anyone could help me.... I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and I think we have a pretty good relationship. I have been going through a divorce and it has reached a sticking point over financial issues. However I have tried to keep calm. My boyfriend gets frustrated with the process which is very understandable as admittedly some of it holds me back from doing things in life - such as studying a course. However last night he said "I'll find him and I'll break his arm - that should get things moving along." He was serious - he wasn't laughing or joking. So I said - "oh great that'll really help you in jail." He then said "well it doesn't have to be me I do know people that would do that for me." I just walked into another room. I feel really odd - as if I don't know him. I don't think its a boast to say to your long term girlfriend that you know people like that. I don't like my husband and he was abusive towards me (including physically) but I would never inflict that sort of thing on someone.I am worried that my boyfriend has a side to his personality that I don't know about? If he had been joking I could have understood - but he wasn't. I feel as though in some way he is also threatening me because just the thought of that kind of thing happening on my behalf sickens me. Does he not see that? I am also worried he has a violent tendency or thought process. Yet he is so gentle and tactile with me. I have seen him really flip on about 4 or 5 occasions but I would not say he is that type.I am worried - what should I do?I am worried about my new boy
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 April 2008):
Hi,
I'm not going to disagree with the people below - they have good points, BUT.....
ALL MEN have a dark side. It is called testosterone. And this will come out the most when it comes to "protecting" you.
He knows you are married to a man who hit you - he was the lowest of the low. When he thinks about your husband hitting you and hurting you and making you scared - he is going to want to go round and kill the guy. It is natural - in fact I would be worried if he didn't feel angry when it came to you being hurt.
However, you have just come out of an abusive relationship and you are therefore going to be (quite rightly) very anti-violence. That is because you are a woman and don't want the whole violent revenge thing. But he will not understand that.
You need to just talk to him about it. Tell him that he scared you a little bit talking about being violent and having violent friends. I've pulled my husband up about it when he was talking about finding and hurting the guy who mugged me a couple of years ago - and he was so sorry because he didn't want me to ever ever feel scared of him.
Your boyfriend should be the same. If he is and he tells you that it's just all stuff he wants to do but never ever would act on - then you are fine. If he reacts in a bad way then you might want to ask yourself if you want to be with him.
In my opinion he's defending your honour, and didn't have any intention of acting on his threats, just showing how angry he is with the guy.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): He obviously has a jeleous streak and seems to be jeleous of your soon to be ex husband your right to be concerned about this as he isn't realy acheiving anything in threatening harm on another person but this just shows a vulnerable side to him, if you have a child with your ex this is even more worrying as he is not thinking of your child and doesn't care about their feelings. You need to tell him how pathetic he is being and that YOU will sort things out through your solicitor as this is not his problem, if he continues to be aggresive and make such comments I would leave him as he doesn't sound like the type of person for settling down with, he may hurt you one day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Since you've been in one abusive relationship odds are you are in one now. That's really hard to hear. I know. But any warning signs you are seeing now are just the tip of the iceberg. There's more where this dark side is coming from and even though you have not admitted it here, I'm picking up that you know it deep inside. You are trying to hang on to hope that this guy is the one. You are fooling yourself because it hurts too much to see you have fallen for the same 'type' of person you just left.
Get some help right now. Talk to someone. Don't make excuses for him or his behavior. We can't stop life and things will always be coming up. If this is how he handles disappointment or frustration with delays, you have red warning flags waving in your face.
Take a step back from this relationship and get perspective. I do not think it would be out of line for you to seek help. I'd be wary of this man in the future. He could turn on you as fast as he threatens to do to your ex, if he doesn't get his way. What he has proposed is not a rational reaction to the circumstance.
I wish you luck and a calm head.
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