A
female
age
41-50,
*apyatie
writes:My fiancee is disabled and cannot make love as often as I'd like to. His back pain severely restricts what he can do and how often. I have a very high sex drive so I find this a real challenge. I am ok to deal with it day by day while sober but the last few times I have drank near him, I have gotten mean and mouthed him off about it. He tells me I voice my sexual frustrations and become very impatient with him if I drink and am in the mood and his back hurts. I have gotten very obnoxious and it is at the point where he believes I may even be capable of cheating on him if I were drinking without him with access to other men. I have never cheated so he is not basing his fears on my past, he is basing it on my mounting sexual frustrations and my increasing attitude towards him and his disability (while drinking). It has gotten to where he doesnt want me going out with my girlfriends (which means no staggette) for fear I may do something that I have never done before. I am struggling with this. Do I not even go out with girlfriends anymore or does he learn to help and support my learning how to cope without an active sex life when I am 32 and wish to be very very active but am unable to? I guess what I really need to do is learn to NOT get into this mood while Im drinking. How do you learn to be a happier drunk? Please folks, share your thoughts...
View related questions:
disabled, drunk, fiance, in the mood, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): I think you two should attend couples counseling.
A
female
reader, kapyatie +, writes (10 July 2013):
kapyatie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who answered. Youve all helped me to see that I have to take my proverbial head out of my ass and make some serious changes for this wonderful man. Justjim, I do have children, I have 4.... I do sometimes feel like a caged bird and yes he is willing to anything it takes to please me but I guess sometimes Im dont afriad to admit I just a good old fashioned ravaging. Scheduling time in for making love, planning when to take the hard on pills, zero spontaneity, the pressure of staying awake long enough for his pain killers and hard onpills to kick in is just very clinical sometimes and takes alot of the fun out of it, it makes it more liek a "job". He has offered that I find and take another lover but I am having a hard time even considering this option. Of course, if he gets worse and cannot be intimate at all, it may be something to think about. Thanks again all.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 As the disabled partner in my marriage (with a bad back and constant pain) I feel for you and for him.
If you are that unhappy you have several options.
1. you can stay and stop drinking and take care of your sexual needs when you desire. If he is still affectionate and loving to the best of his ability and you miss the orgasm that's easy to fix. IF you are missing affection and loving, that's different and harder to fix and that leads to the other options.
2. ask him if you can take a lover. I have to admit that this is an off the cuff option that may or may not work depending on the two of you. I had an open marriage my last marriage. it led to the end of the marriage. NOTE you are not CHEATING or lying to him with this option.. and taking a lover without permission or knowledge of your partner is wrong and is not the suggestion I am making. IF you go this ROUTE he needs to totally know and AGREE to it.
3. leave him knowing that in the future it's only going to be worse and you will be resentful and angry and it's better to end it sooner rather than later and after marriage and kids...
Does he attempt to sexually satisfy you at all? I have very limited sexual positions now... and yet I still manage to have sex to please my spouse.. not daily but often enough... and to be honest my sex drive is higher than his too.
Chronic back pain is depressing, it's debilitating and it really does negatively impact on all aspects of our lives. It takes a special person to be able to cope with having a disabled partner. There is no crime in not being able to cope.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): Is this an issue with how you behave when you are drunk (then I would say don't drink), or is the issue that you have underlying resentment you only feel comfortable expressing when drunk?
Sex drive for women is supposed to be at its peak in your age range, so that might be part of it. I guess you need to decide whether you are okay with having a less than ideal sex life and make peace with that or leave. It would also be worth talking to him about alternatives that can still satisfy you, but don't cause him pain.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 Cheating is just a cowardly way to end the relationship. So, if you are tempted to cheat and have sex with other men, why don't you do just that? Break up with your boyfriend, and then go and have all the sex you want? What is the problem? Either you have a sexual need or you don't, and either he can do the trick for you or he can't. It's REALLY simple, but your mind is so clouded by emotions and drama.
The solution is very simple,, break up with him. End the relationship. This can't continue, it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for him. And since he's unable to do anything, and you're unable to just "shut off" your sexual needs, then isn't it about time you address the elephant in the room and end the relationship that isn't working? How can you imagine marrying him, when already you're on the verge of humping the nearest man you see?
Come on, this isn't making you happy and it's not making him happy. Staying is just being stubborn. Perhaps you only stay because you put a lot of money and pride into the wedding you have planned? But really, it's YOUR life. Should money really matter? Should the opinion of others (if calling off the wedding) really matter?
Or, if this is a case of just temporary no sex until he at some point gets better, then cut back on the amounts of alcohol you drink. Go out with your friends but please, stay sober. If you don't know your limits then don't drink at all. And if you can't have fun without being drunk, then doesn't that say something about the way of life you are leading? Find ways to have fun while SOBER.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): You can't learn to be a happier drunk. Drinking lowers your social inhibitions, and therefore reveals more of what you're really feeling, deep down. You're feeling a crazy amount of resentment and anger, and, when sober, are able to stuff it all down and act like a supportive fiancee. But you really aren't a supportive fiancee, are you? You're pissed. You may even have the right to be. Everyone wants an active sex life, and you can choose to have one with someone else. You're afraid that this may make you seem like a bitch and a horrible person -- if you choose to leave over this -- but it is your choice. IF this is a dealbreaker, leaving would be far more honest than playing saint, staying, and treating this man like crap as your resentment finds vent in a million different ways. Think of it this way. There's someone out there who is unable to have sex/semi-asexual whose drive would perfectly match his. There's someone out there who would love to shag you every day, whose drive would perfectly match yours. Wow, I'm usually not the one to advocate leaving. Not necessarily advocating it, per se...just encouraging you to be brutally honest with yourself. If you know he's your soulmate in all other ways, well, then, there are lots of things to do to bridge the sexual gap.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 Stop drinking so much if it makes you like that!
There are many ways to have sex. I'm sure with a bit of investigation you could find something that works for you both.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): You need to check into an alcohol rehabilitation program to control or stop drinking. You are abusive and cruel when drinking, and you must not be sober as you are writing your post. You actually admit to being drunk when you confront and verbally abuse your disabled finance'?
Join a 12-step program, breakup with your fiance', and get on with your life.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 Well, erm, do you HAVE to get drunk ? Did the doctor recoomend it : " I want you to drink much, to the point that you become out of control, nasty, and verbally aggressive to your disabled boyfriend ?"
If you KNOW, and by now you know it, that when you are drunk you become like that, plus horny to a point where just the " access " to other men would make you capable of doing something stupid- isn't the simplest solution NOT to get to that point ? Stop a couple of drinks before that no return point ? Note I did not say- just drink water while everybody else is partaking and having fun, that would be more prudent but , not too realistic, I imagine. I just mean drinking LESS. Which, with a minimum of self control, you surely can do. And if you can't do it - then you have bigger problems than your unfulfilled sexual urges.
That would take care of your being mean about the problem, but not of the problem in itself, OK. But : do you have to be specifically satisfied in a certain way and in certain positions that require vigorous physical effort?...
There are positions that require no thrusting by the man, and no strain on his back ,he lies down and the woman
does all the work. Or, if his back can't handle intercourse at all- he still has his tongue and fingers, doesn't he ?
...............................
A
male
reader, justjim +, writes (4 July 2013):
god its hard doll,
I don't know perhaps don't drink but then your a caged bird and sooner or later will fly .have you toys to get over your sexual frustration?
your young do you have children?
I thought my life was rough lol
take care learn to have a release form your frustration somehow either mastibate or get him to mastibate you dose he not want to do this for you??
...............................
|
