A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am finding things difficult with my partner. He hasn't been with many women. He always insists we have a bath just before sex (I am the cleanest person so this is ok) and everything is very mechanical. He says he wants to be really good but even after 12 months kissing him is like kissing an inexperienced man. I have suggested and coaxed and am very careful not to injure his pride or criticize. There just seems to be no expereince there. He finds it difficult to climax and says it is because he needs to be really turned on. He has watched a lot of porn in the past due to lack of relationships and I am wondering if he has become desensitized to a real body. I am slim and he says very attractive to him so I am not sure where to go from here. I get fed up of constantly having to wear all the lingerie just to get him turned on. Sometimes it would be nice to be spontaneous and I have suggested this but he says we have to bath first. I asked if I am giving off any odours but he says not at all it is something he feels is necessary. I have noticed he washes his hands very frequently and likes things to be in order and is always checking switches etc so maybe a bit of OCD here. I do love him and value his good points but I am used to hot passionate loving and just feel something is missing here. I don't want to go down the route of watching porn with him and he assures me he has given it all up for me and he is a very honest person which is something I value a lot in him. Where do we go from here. I dont want to break up with him but I feel like my desire for good sex is taking over.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): If his need for control and detachment is hindering your sex life then it might pay to try and delve a little in to his past. It might not be porn that has left him as he is. If you have a sense with him, that there is almost always 'something running in the background' during sex. And you have to repeat things you like in the bedroom so many times that sex is starting to feel like Groundhog Day, then he might have some past trauma that is affecting him. Being patiend and thoughful helps to a point but if you are starting to feel like leaving. Then take the gloves off and try some straight talking before things get any worse.
A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (14 May 2011):
i'll make this short for you
seek professional help
and if didnt work finish your relationship with this man
as it is extremely unhealthy to have a serious relation with a person who doesnt fullfill your sexual needs,
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): Hi!How long have two been together? Has he had enough time to get used to your body? Yes, his honesty is great and im glad to hear you two have excellent communication. A big steo towards resolving this definitely. Keep talking!Your sexual needs are normal and I too am a fairly passionate guy but have had to settle for porn for the past while due to well sexual and mental frustrations with women. I have a heart not a dangle and apparently thats an issue for me. Anyway, im actually starving for a woman right now. For some affection and passion. Im surprised to hear he's had a hard time. Then again, he is used to certain stimulation which is a bad sign thatll he need more time to get used to your beautiful body. Damn if a woman wore lingerie for me Id explode in two minutes lol :/... youre doing all the right things and have been very patient. Maybe he needs dirty talk? Tell him how youd wanna be spontaneous? Ask him about his fantasies? But dont ask about threesomes or anything like that... ask him what he likes and see if you can compromise on things. As for his OCD possibility, has he seen a doctor. That may damper the mood a bit since it seems very routine when youre together. I mean no one likes routine, mechanical sex. I think he has a few issues definitely and I hope he can work them out for the sake of the relationship. Best on this.
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