A
male
age
36-40,
*cNasty
writes:This story is somewhat complicated but I will do my best do explain it. Basically, I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl. She was really in love with me and wanted to be my girlfriend. I was up at college, and was going through a life-changing bout of depression. I didn't eat or sleep much, I lost a lot of friends, and I thought about suicide almost on a daily basis. I kept this hidden from her because I was in such a horrible place mentally. I basically kept her at arms' length, treated her more like a friend and didn't make her feel special in any way. I was afraid to let her in too close to see that I wasn't the same guy she fell in love with.Needless to say, she got sick of it. She gave me chance after chance to prove I loved her but I wouldn't and couldn't do it until I got right and had my head on straight. Even when she ended it I kept this ordeal from her. I told her stupid excuses like I wasn't sure what I wanted, that I thought the long-distance would doom us, even that she was too clingy. I was truly heartbroken but deep down I knew she hadn't been happy for some time. Of course she wouldn't take me back, she said that she wasn't in love with me any more and that she didn't want to date me. She said who knows about the future, that nothing was certain and she wasn't saying never to it. She told me I was still her best friend.I went along with this but she got a new boyfriend (they are still together). I was really upset and did all the cliche post-breakup no-no's (begging, convincing, etc). She said she knew we could be really good together but couldn't do it anymore. I talked to her and told her that I agreed with her, that our relationship was bad and that it needed to end. I told her that I'd like to date her again one day (she was pretty receptive to it) and that we should focus on being friends. She was extremely happy with this. The problem was that I was still heartbroken and feeling confused.We were having some great times as friends and were closer than we were even when we were together. But she kept flirting and making things so similar to when we were dating. I knew she wasn't completely over me (and still don't think she is, but anyways). I felt it would be a good idea to tell her how much I loved her and basically made a fool of myself with this whole thing about how I was sorry and wanted her back. I blindsided her with this declaration and it totally backfired. She rejected me and I began to see that there was still a lot of hurt from her. I told her we shouldn't talk for a while and she agreed.A while passed and I called her up. I finally felt that I didn't need her anymore, but I still liked her and wanted her back. More like a crush but just with a girl who I already went out with. I explained about the depression to her and how it had wrecked my life. I told her I was so sorry and so guilty that it had wrecked stuff for us. I told her that I wanted another chance but I was happy just to spend time with her and get close to her. I said I was happy to be her friend and that she meant so much to me. I told her how important she had been to me during the depression. It definitely healed the hurt on her end. She began to describe it to me as simply a "wrong place, wrong time" situation. She said of course we can't predict how things will go but we'll see about a future relationship. I wish she hadn't continued to get my hopes up but was resolved to being her friend.Problem is, this girl just went crazy or something. Part of it I think has to do with her boyfriend moving away (he lives an hour away now). She began (and still does) contacting me at least once a day, asking me to hang out almost every night. She invited herself to sleep over my house one night and I said sure (she was kinda drunk I guess but I still don't get why she did). I gave her space on the bed but she slept right up next to me. She thought I was sleeping but when I opened my eyes she was staring at me. She looked away quickly. I still catch her stealing glances at me all the time. Whenever we hang out, she flirts so nonstop, teasing, touching, tickling, everything a girl can do to let you know she's interested. We talked one night about it and she said "I know. Hurting is flirting, and I have tons of affection for you." She began saying that she didn't go out with me because she wanted to focus on us getting close and how she was glad we were getting closer. She always tells me how hanging out with me is so great, how we always have such a great time together, and told me that there's something about me that makes her want to make me happy.She's got that boyfriend though and that bothers me. They're apparently in love. I know love comes and goes, but why would she insist that she only thinks of me as a friend and whatnot, but be flirting and letting me know that she is always thinking of me? Is it just because her new boyfriend isn't around? I hope not because I thought I was more to her than that. No matter what I know she thinks about me and likes me still. I think she still has feelings but I don't know if she'd ever let it get more serious if she gets too comfortable with us being friends. Sometimes I worry I'm in the friend zone but then she switches it up on me. She runs hot and cold like she catches herself and stops, and other times like she just doesn't care. Basically I'm a mess and overanalyze everything she does to a pathetic degree. I want her back really bad, I'm not adverse to dating and finding someone new but I feel like I would always pick her over anyone else. I feel like we're perfect for each other.Sometimes I feel like we are revolving back towards each other, that she's letting me know she's still interested for a reason, and that it really is just a matter of time and getting comfortable and letting the hard feelings fade. Does it sound like I have a chance in hell, or am I kidding myself and getting played?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (31 August 2008):
 I'm so sorry to say to you, but it really sounds to me that you're getting played.
It kind of hurts me because it just sounds that you really REALLY love this gal and her treatment towards you is incredibly unfair to your part. Nobody deserves this treatment.
So what should you do? Talk to her. This shouldn't be so hard because it's clear you two have a bond. Tell her to stop flirting to you because it hurts you incredibly. Her actions don't say "I'm in love with my boyfriend". They say "I might love you and my boyfriend and I want a little fun". Tell her to stop playing games with you an to stop leading you on. She's giving you high hopes of future romance, yet claims to be IN love with her boyfriend (that's a pretty high claim to make, it's hard to fall in love and it's hard to get out of it).
I was almost going to tell you to take some time off with her, but it's clear that didn't work. Just talk to her again about this.
Now, I hope I'm wrong and that she isn't playing you and that she's just confused of her true feelings. But still, it sounds like she's just using you. Playing you.
Ps. Please don't listen to the anonymous poster. It's clear they didn't read anything besides the title.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): this may be harsh for you to hear, but you need to RUN!!! not walk, RUN!!!
and get your mental health treated by a professional so you can find someone who will really love you.
enough said. Just do it.
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