A
male
age
30-35,
*oheed5
writes:I'm currently involved in a serious relationship with someone.. I just can't seem to get over her past. It bothers me even more that i know every guy she's been with and see them around my town every once in a while.. It eats away at me and i'm not sure what to do. I want to get over it, but i don't know how. It causes me pain nearly every day.. I know i'm the sensitive type but i think it's more than that.. is this really worth the pain? Or is it just bad because I know who these people are? Please help.. Thank you in advance
View related questions:
her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): to the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): hey man i feel your pain, im 21 and ive been with four people before my girlfriend. She is 19 and has been very honest with me since the beginning and she has told me shes been with 23 guys..some boyfriends some just one night stands. I met her 3 months before i started dating her and she had only been with 4 at that point. I am completely in love with her and she has told me about her upbringing, and I can somewhat understand why she did the things she has done. But regardless of that I have a very hard time getting over the things she has done.I see people all the time that she has been with, in fact there are people that live on my street that she has been with from the college i go to. I dont really have advice to give but i sypathise with you because I feel that im in the same situation. I geuss the only thing to do is realise that the past is the past and nobody can change it. Im been with my girlfriend for a year now and she is the most amazing person i have met. Im willing to deal with the past because i know im her future. good luck man
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): 'Get over it!' Not easy, heh? I will try to direct out your thoughts from the negative loop and separate the real danger from ego trip.If those guys were lovers and one night stands read this:1. It is about emotional involvement. You do not want to be emotionally involved with somebody who does not have self respect and skills for long term relationship or bad experiences and views on world being transmitted to you. That is NATURAL and normal. You are naturally worried she will not have respect for you and relationship you have due to her promiscuous habits. That's ok. You want to preserve the way you see the world and human relationships and believe in good. This fear is rational and it's actually protecting you from being harmed! You are considering break up and you should.If those guys were boyfriends read this:2. Now heavy part. Going over your ego. You put in connection self worth with the number of sexual partners. You feel you were stupid, inexperienced, naïve for trusting in love, commitment, togetherness, family… She is destroying the way you perceive woman and the world. You feel she is less worthy because of those experiences, because those guys used her and you are there to’ bring tea and measure temperature’ so you are on the bottom of the chain. You are angry at yourself for not recognizing she is ‘that kind of a girl’. This is your ego. This has nothing to do with reality. You have to overcome this with or without her. This pain will stay no matter what you decide. You can decide to change your character totally and become ultimate player and over score her result. You can decide that there is no justice in this world and that all the girls are ‘sluts’ just looking for excitement not the real thing. None of these nihilistic or pro active views won’t help because that is not system of beliefs that will make YOU happy.NOW. Concentrate on your HAPINESS! That is only important! Not she, not those guys, not girls you failed to sleep with. You need to find the code that makes you happy and try to get out of this with that code! How do you do that? You need to talk to her about differences between promiscuity and polyamory. We all make some mistakes and experiment but usually do not get so far. You need to know what she thinks about that NOW. A.Maybe she still thinks it was cool and it’s still cool. B.Maybe she thinks it was cool then and there but not any more. C. Maybe she thinks it was not cool and she regrets she haven’t had more meaningful relationships with those guys or some other guys and sees it as a waste of time in understanding how real relationships function.-If the answer is A. Consider topic 1. from this text. I believe you have a lot of reasons to split and move on. You can hang out with here, but no serious emotions. Since you already have them I say ditch, ditch, ditch!-If the answer is B. With a lot of tender, love and care this relationship might have chance to succeed but it will take time and some extended period of boyfriending before the relationship matures-If the answer is C. Please go read again topic 2. from this text. In this point she might be stronger then you and you can ask her to work on healing these wounds. This relationship has chance of being long and rebuilt. And one healing thought: Imagine some of her ex coming and laughing at you…You can just say…heh I would never be with her at a time, you are such a male slut! Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): You are in an unusually difficult situation. My wife had many partners between her first husband and me. She had 1 night stands and slept with guys who she had just met. That was difficult enough, but at least I didn't have to see those guys. I only saw 2 of them, once each. Actually, seeing them was not really difficult. They were both good looking guys, so at least I know that she didn't sleep with some total looser. I assume that the others were in the same category as those 2.
Diovan has given you a link to what was probably the longest discussion on this subject. Here is another one where Yos and I and others discussed this subject.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
This question has been asked many times and there have been several of the questions where the guy was in the same position as you - seeing the guys who she had slept with. If you go to my profile, you will find 2 articles that I wrote about dealing with this. Unfortunately, I didn’t address seeing the other guys on a regular basis, as that never happened to me.
An answer of just get over it is not of much value, but then the people who say that have never experienced what you are going through, so they can’t really understand it. DoubleM, baby duck and DiovanLestat have given some good advice here. My advice is to read the links that Diovan and I have posted, think about your situation and then come back with questions for us if you want to.
There are things that you must know though. The first is that you will never completely get over this, but you can learn to deal with it, accept it and even find advantages to her past. I talk a little about those in my articles and the link that I gave you.
Like others who can’t relate to how you feel, I can’t relate to how much more difficult it is to have to see her past partners occasionally. My wife and I started talking about our past partners in detail last year when her past started bothering me again for some reason. This discussion lasted several months and I finally realized how much her experience helped our relationship. Not her experience in bed, but her experience with a variety of men. Some were nice to her, some were affectionate, some just wanted her for drinking and sex and some just wanted to use her once and then discard her. It is these experiences that made her realize how different I was than any of them and a big reason why she never desired another man, even the few times over our 29 years together when were having problems because of stress or arguments. Sure, I still wish that she had not allowed some of those guys to use her, but it is those experiences that made her know that she was not easily going to find anyone better than me, even with my faults. Hell, now I get turned on if we talk about her sex with one of the nice guys who she slept with. She laughs at me for that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): This question has been asked many times, so your not alone. I used to advise to either accept the past be glad that she loves you and has choosen you and move on. Or leave her and then torture yourself cause you miss her and you love her and you want her back.... But I've been advised that this is not helpfull...
There are two uncles on board who have dealt with these types of emotions and come through it, stronger and wiser and learnt to accept. Check on Yos or Troubletoomuch, they give tons of advice on how to deal with this type of emotion and learn to accept...
Here is a usefull link pointing to men who are in similar situation to you...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (30 August 2008):
 If your girlfriend has a storied past with multiple partners, and you encounter her previous lovers frequently, then you would seem to be setting yourself up for constant pain as you say. In these times, perhaps many young women sport more experience than in my heyday, but there are still some more prudent. In my opinion, you must adjust to a promiscuous girlfriend's past or find another with less history. Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, graciie;  +, writes (30 August 2008):
i really think you should stop worrying, like its you who she has ended up with right?
and those guys are her past and the obv reasons for that,
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Men, by their very nature, tend to be possessive of their wives and girlfriends. The fact that your girl has been with these other guys is making you insecure. My advice is to just GET OVER IT. I mean it. Why let it bother you? YOU are the one dating her now, not them. Don't break up over ancient history.
...............................
|
