A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to say but I still love my daughter's dad despite the horrible things he's done and said to me. I left him because of his lies, cheating...but I still love him. I moved on with my life and then he decides he wants to come back in our lives (my daughter and I). He's given up his rights and now he wants it back. I gave him another chance thinking things would change. We communicated more, admitted to things, did things together as a family, etc. Then he ask me to give him his rights back as our daughter's dad after he had given it up. He blames me for him giving up his rights. Does that make any sense to you? I told him no and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. How is this my fault when he freely met me at the notary to sign his right away? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): So, I understand that he insisted to see you during your service and with the strict regulations implemented he had to be reported - which his superiors took notice of and that caused his losing the job probably? I'm no good in militaries. Would have been wiser to establish a more convenient time for both. Fact that he returned and acted as a family to only leave after his claimes weren't satisfied immediately doesn't talk well of him. If he continues to blame I don't see how you will create a pacific atmosphere to encourage the child. If he returns again it may be indicated to have a talk about what you are planning to show/teach the daughter. Perhaps you should settle some times when he is allowed to come but the child will grow attached to him so the appear-disappear game should not be in the piecharts. How old is she? Also when you find another partner the girl may be confused so as who to call 'father' and what to expect of each or how who to concede priorities. These you may need to take into account and maybe discuss further with a counsellor. Generally there are families that share custodies without major problems but on managing these situations will depend her not feeling split between sides or confused and demoralised so it's normal to be preventive and list potential 'side-effects' to counterbalance them. She may have the tendency to analyse and draw comparisons to what she has in comparison to what she haD or how the relationships developed in her family. Can be a predicament, hence sometimes it is wise to give this aspect much attention. Communicate with the child, ask about her day, involve in her life, this can have a great impact on her upbringing, and ask the father how he will be active in this [program] and what he sees for her. Solved amiably, the best. If he escapes responsibilities he's teaching he's not reliable though. He should be cooperative for the third party involved. Good luck there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. bitterblue: Under what circumstances did he decide to do so? (losing his rights) -- I am currently employed on a military installation. As some may know, the rules and regulations are strickly enforced 24/7. A few months ago, I called him of when is he going to start with the payment arrangements for our daughters medical bills. I was civil enough to see what payment arrangements we can agree to (he is responsible for half of the medical bills in which he strongly believes he doesn't owe me anything). I paid for all of my daughter's medicals bills with NO help from him. I had asked him to come pick up his copies of the bills. He never came. He decided to show up at my place of employment. He wouldn't leave after I have told him several times. I called the base police. They came and took my report. I received a base emergency restraining order. He got served the same day. He also received a letter from the base JAG office with a barrment letter. With that letter, he lost his job. From thereon, he believes, since he lost his job, he has to give up his rights. In his words, I made him to do that. I never told him to. For him to come back and leave because he's made then decides to come back, isn't healthy for us, especially, her. I have to do what's right for my daughter and giving back his rights won't happen. Coming back into her life, won't happen. It's not healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): If he is not a responsible, reliable adult - and you say he has a history of lying and cheating - I assume you're right in not ceding to his request. You're in the position that you can restrict him from seeing the daughter since he voluntarily - or not - terminated his parental rights. Under what circumstances did he decide to do so? If he only just came back in your lives you can't accept him without reserves and a rational individual should understand that. What if you come to the conclusion his [instability] is affecting the child negatively bringing much confusion? And here he is, inducing to you this question, "Am I to blame when he voluntarily did this... " No, unless you somehow forced/manipulated him to act so. Problems are not solved by spreading blames, this only accentuates them. I've seen cases of parents using the child as a bargaining occasion of their proud/selfish purposes, a present-absent-present father can demoralize/confuse the child and you should evaluate the situation thinking at the child's best interests. It sincerely sounds worrying he engages in activities as a family to only give up having not fulfilled these claims. He needs to talk to you anyhow if he'll want to continue to be a part of the daughter's life at least. All the best in what you decide.
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