A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 19-year-old daughter, an only child; she's in university studying medicine, and wants to work in the NHS.It's not her university I'm writing in about, but her choice of partner; he's 50, and a bathroom salesman.I'm not criticising his job, nothing wrong with that.However, the age gap is huge, it's 31 years between them!She's given up on girls nights outs, uni socialising etc. for him, even though he hasn't asked her to... everything but studying basically.My husband and me only have a 3-year age gap (I'm 3 years older than him) but my age gap is less shocking, if anything, probably more of a conventional relationship than my daughter's.I decided to be open, and listen, find out why my daughter was dating him, asking why in a get-to-know-you kind of way, she said he wasn't a father figure, he was fun, friendly and loving, and does good for his local community (he lives nearer to her university in Leeds than us in Sheffield!!).She told me he's been married once and is divorced as of April 2013, but his ex-wife left him for a man in Florida, and a much younger one at that - she was 51, he was 28, and he felt depressed due to this until he met her. They'd been married 30 years and she left him for a toyboy! Apparently his ex-wife is now engaged to this man. (Interesting how this is in reverse, not older man leaves wife for younger woman) She also told me the man has no children, only a brother who's 44, who she hasnt met yet.She also then told me she isn't with him for money since he doesn't have any - he lives on a council estate near Cleckheaton way! She said they mostly enjoy walks, eating takeaway food, feeding the ducks, and going for drives to South Yorkshire/Nottinghamshire/Lincolnshire.She also told me he treats her like a gentleman, and does like his drinks, but not as an alcoholic, more as a social drinker.They've been dating since September 2013, she told me she kept it secret as she was worried about our reaction.She told me she wants to invite him to her university student parties/nights out, invite him to meet us, make him part of the family.I can't stop her as it's legal, she's obviously over the age of consent, here in the UK, it's 16.But, and this is the big question here, what kind of issues could come up due to the age gap? Since age-gaps have never come up as an issue in our family, we've never had to deal with it until now.My husband is being supportive of the relationship, and wants her to be happy, he's a firm but gentle man and he admits he doesn't know what to do for the best.I would gladly appreciate any advice or help on handling this situation, since as a family we don't know how to handle this.
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alcoholic, depressed, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, money, older man, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): I wouldn't worry much about that, chances are it will soon fizzle out like someone already pointed out, they've been dating only for a few months and they're still "loved up" when things settle she'll probably miss the night out and realize that her 50 year old boyfriend doesn't really fit in with her lifestyle, friends, etc. And to be honest I think he's enjoying to date a young girl, specially because his wife left him for a younger man, but he'll soon come to his senses that she's still a bit too wet behind the ears for him
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Well, the good news is a bathroom salesman will always have buyers. The age difference is wierd but not overly strange. She must have been very insecure growing up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Do nothing OP. Just tell her you're not ready to meet him yet and will need time to get used to the idea, although you're not against it. Other than that he sounds like a gentleman she likes spending time with.
Does his age matter as much as how he treats her?
OP the age is irrelevant to you in practical terms. It won't last long but while it does let her have her fun.
As long as it's not having a negative impact on her life then there's no harm in it.
Just make it clear to her you need time before you meet him, she's old enough to understand how weird it must be for you.
The only thing I's be a bit wary of is the drinks thing. I mean pretty much everyone likes to have a drink every now and again, I find it a bit weird she had to state he likes his drink, but is "not an alcoholic". Sounds like he might like to drink a bit too often in my mind, otherwise why highlight that point? Any time I hear a person "likes his drink" I always get the impression they like it a bit too much. Maybe that's just me but when someone feels the need to cut an idea off at the pass then it's more of an issue than they're making out. I mean it sounds a bit like she's already making excuses for him. But I could be wrong too, so don't take my opinion on it.
The most important thing is that she is happy, her studies aren't being affected and that he's treating her well. She's in for a rude awakening when she takes him to some college parties though, this is obviously new to her if she thinks it won't be really, really uncomfortable for everyone involved.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I hit `Enter`too early....
Anyway, her mates will likely serve as your accomplices especially if the man has nothing to offer them and he`s seen to be depriving them of their friend.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 January 2014):
Chances are she`ll lose interest in him before she`s done with university so I agree that you should let this run it`s course.
I recommend you let her do most of the talking, and ask questions conversationally where appropriate. Asking questions, the way you would if a friend were talking helps her THINK about her choices rather than waste time and energy defending them.
As for integrating him into your family, you`re not obliged to go beyond your own comfort level to accommodate her. Instead of forbidding it as a rule, you could simply say something along the lines of needing time to adjust to the idea of it first.
I really don`t see him fitting in with her friends and it`s only a matter of time before either one or both feel the strain. My guess is her peers will be your unrecruited accomplices.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I don't think this will last. So I would follow your husband's lead and just support her.
She is 19.... Trust me she will met some hot younger dude.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 January 2014):
 I think if you put up a fuss you'll just drive her in the old guy's direction. Let this run it's course, I'm betting dimes to doughnuts this relationship won't last long.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 January 2014):
 So many girls at Uni fall in love for the first time only to get their heart broken.
If she does take him to student parties I am sure he will feel out of place and the age gap will be a huge issue amongst her friends and comments made after a few drinks.
Let it run it's course, she's happy so I would stress the importance of her studies and leave it at that. They have to make their own life choices now and we parents be there when needed.
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