A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My Daughters bf just shows no respect .. my daughter has been dating this guy for about 5 yrs they have 2 children together , My daughter and her children live with me . My one grandaughter is almost 3 and they other is abt 8 months the 8 mth has live with me all her 8 months and the 3 yr old has live with me for at least 2 yrs of her life (probably kmore like 2.5 yrs ), i know my daughters bf loves her and the kids , but he has no regard for the things i do to just make ends meet , i am single i am giving up space in my home for his children to live ( My grandchildren are my life i absoloutely love them to death ) He thinks he does all he can (he buys diapers and pullups )he makes twice the amount of money i make . im not saying he never buys anything else but not that much , I pay my daughters car pmt she just got out of school (CNA) and has to take the state exam to become certified before she can get a job / and i pay her insurance as well , They have been engaged for about 3 yrs / my daughter gets food stamps and medicaid for her kids .. as far as hes concerned that great cuz that way he wont have to do it . So why marry her ? I dont think my daughter is really happy ive heard her say she just stays with him because of the kids , I do not care for him I think hes a mooch although because i thought my daughter wanted to be with him i decided to make the best of it and to support her decision . I do alot for my daughter and her kids , i am very close to my 3 yr old grandaughter and he cant stand it ( what does he expect shes lived with me most of her life ) st at my wits end , i am just sick of him coming to my house and laying around on my furniture like he lives there or something , Im just not sure how to handle this i dont want to cauyse any friction between me and my daughter , i dont want to loose my grandkids that would just kill me , im just at a loss what to do.......UPDATE just as im writing this letter my daughter called there fighting in the back groungbecause i suggested claiming the girls on my income taxes hes having an absouloute fit , she says shes done with him blah blah blah ... and that i opened her eyes all he cares abt is HIS money and that im obligated to take care of her cuz shes my daughter blah blah .... i make her car pmt cuz i know she needs a car for her children and to get to school he could care less abt her car pmt he wopuld be happy if she sat home all day .. anyway i dont kno how to handle this any more HELP SOOOOOO sorry this is so long wasnt intended
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. To the latest poster "you got it" you understood right where i was coming from if he cant be dad in all way (including putting a roof over their head) Then dont be it at all (he thinks he's Mr MOM) As far as im concerned he has no opinion as to how there raised ..i do alot of things for my daughters sake and i LOVVVVVVVE my grandbabies.. im sick of doing all the work and him making decisions pertaining to them ... He needs to put a roof over their head before he has an opinion
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. To the latest poster "you got it" you understood right where i was coming from if he cant be dad in all way (including putting a roof over their head) Then dont be it at all (he thinks he's Mr MOM) As far as im concerned he has no opinion as to how there raised ..i do alot of things for my daughters sake and i LOVVVVVVVE my grandbabies.. im sick of doing all the work and him making decisions pertaining to them ... He needs to put a roof over their head before he has an opinion
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): Dear poster
I completly understand where you are comming from, if you and your daughter are bringing up the kids and do everything why consult him? he has shown his true colours. Whatever you do don't push your daughter to side with him or take the kids to live with him disaster waiting to happens, I know other aunts have suggested this but its the kiddies who will suffer most even though his is their dad. Remeber you have a great bond you have with your daughter,as they can be a big pain sometimes but we would do anything for them and their kids, hopefully the loser will move on as his kids will see him for what he really is a sperm donor!
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 Hi again,
I understand completely that you want to support your daughter and grandchildren. And I wasnt sugesting that she was a lazy cow who didnt want to work. You two are not the problem, its him.
But unfortunatly buy you suporting your daughter so much, he is taking the mickey out of you both. By continuing to see this man, (wether he is the father or not) she is condoning his behavior. He needs kicking to the curb thats for sure.
I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you a little story that may help you to see what I mean.
I met a guy some years ago when I was very vunerable. I had not long split up with my husband and I was on the rebound. He seemed really nice at first, and he got on fairly well with my kids. After a while, I let him move in with us. Thats when the trouble started.
First I had a black eye, from a fight we had over nothing. Then there were the marks that my dad had seen when he tried to strangle me in front of my screaming kids. The worst he did was kick me down the stairs, and then drag me back up by my hair while i was Unconscious. I came round to my children hiding in a corner crying.
My Mum and Dad knew that part of this was going on, although not as bad as it really was. They threatened to cut me from there will, and didnt want to see me, if I didnt get rid of him. But I refused.
I listened to my EX cry and say how sorry he was, and that he loved me so much, and was scared he would lose me, and thats why he did it. I believed he was ill and needed me.
What a bloody idiot I was. And your Daughter is doing the same. Ok so he doesnt beat her up, but emotional abuse is sometimes worse.
My Mother and Father were right, and although I didnt like what they said at the time. They were showing me tough love.
You need to make a stand honey, or it will carry on believe me.
XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionreplying to my own post ... my daughter has always worked until the baby (8mth old ) and she has always made her car pmt and paid her insurance , she has only NOT worked since the baby and she has been in school for the past 4 months , she has no problem with working or making her own bills .. she moved in when she was a few months pregnant .. she had been laid off her job ,, and was drawing unemployment which paid her pmts . she was pregnant .. her and bf were broke up (Money Issues ..hes selfish with his money she needed him to help her out and he kept throwing it in her face .. longer story short I agreed to help HER out NOT HIM... as long as she went to school ....well They got back together ... so when they got back together he quit paying support ...although he wasnt giving much anyway it helped her out as far as diapers and such ... its just ongoing he will let everyone else pay crying hes broke when he's not if your too broke to but food then your too broke for the fair ...RIGHT?????
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 This is a VERY difficult situation. Unexpectedly, I assume, you have encouraged a very difficult situation for yourself and a very easy one for your daughter.
Although she is just out of college, she could get a part time job or a full time job in something else until she is licensed. It is not only his responsibility to care for those children, economically speaking, it is also hers. The only one who should not be paying is you, ironically!
Now, relationship wise, as long as you continue this current situation, you will have no troubles with your daughter and will continue to see your grandkids as often. The problem being you feel uncomfortable with the situation. On the other hand, you could put you foot down and say what she needs to get done regarding her responsibilities and her fiances behavior in your house, but this could lead to a very uncomfortable situation as she is used to having an "easier" way with you. In the end she could move in with the fiance and the kinds and kind of punish you by not letting you see them as often. But she will grow up and so will he. They will have to struggle with money, with having to raise their children alone, with a probably unhealthy relationship and with missing her mom.
These are two drastic scenarios for you to choose from. Maybe she won't take the kids away or maybe she will. But remember the lesson she needs from you is to face difficulties with or without you. In all honesty, you might not always be there.
Maybe you can find some kind of truce where you still help out a little, but cut back on some of the things you are doing. Maybe she can get a part time job and cover her car payment and you continue to pay insurance, the father could be required to take care of some of the other payments (or part of them), as part of the electricity, groceries and clothing for the kids. You could make a statement of monthly expenses and ask the two of them to help out as you would want to do other things with some of the money or you want to open a college account for grandkids or whatever else YOU want to do for YOU!
Help them grow up by not helping them as much!
One more thing: I wouldn't get into is he good or bad or what he should do. She is grown up and she chose him. Let them figure that one out by themselves; I think that could hurt your daughter-mother relationship.
Best of lucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that my daugter may be taking me a little for granted ,,, I have had a long talk with her she knows i struggle and she has always worked before the babies and after and always made her own car pmt , she will be taking her exam this saturday and has a job offer already just needs her certificate ... he just hoards his money .. im tired of it and i know she is too seems like i walk on egg shells in my own house because if she has any extra money she doesnt want him to know ... i am hoping for an end to this relationship but thats up to her
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that my daugter may be taking me a little for granted ,,, I have had a long talk with her she knows i struggle and she has always worked before the babies and after and always made her own car pmt , she will be taking her exam this saturday and has a job offer already just needs her certificate ... he just hoards his money .. im tired of it and i know she is too seems like i walk on egg shells in my own house because if she has any extra money she doesnt want him to know ... i am hoping for an end to this relationship but thats up to her
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reader, rockelle +, writes (12 November 2007):
 I agree with Tellulah. Your daughter is partly responsible for his behavior. Here you are, playing the role of grandma, and dad. That is not fair to you or the children. I know that you want to help your daughter but she has two children and she should be taking care of her kids financially not you. There are plenty of mothers who work and go to school. Myself for example, I worked full-time and went to school at night. You are making it too easy for her, if she was busting her ass working at night to take care of baby #1 she would probably not have baby #2 AND she would make the father be more responsible when she is the one out there struggling. The hardest thing for a parent to do is to let there children make mistakes, and learn from them. This guy is taking advantage of you and so is she. Why hasn't she taken him to court and make him pay child support? If he earns more money than you I am sure her support would help your struggling family. You are a life saver for her, but she needs to learn to do what is best for her children. My son is now 6 and my mother has helped my husband and I a great deal with our son. She has been just as much of a parent to him as we have, and I am so grateful I thank God every day for my mom. I am sure your daughter feels the same way, but you have to sit the both of them down and let them know that HE has to support his children financially.Its ok for you to help but at the end of the day those are there children. Bring to their attention that Moms do not live forever what if something were to happen to you what would she do? This guy needs to be man, and take care of his family.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (12 November 2007):
Hi,
Oh you poor thing, your right in the middle of it.
He has got it made really hasn't he?. Doesnt have to pay for anything while you struggle to make ends meet.
You wont like what I am going to say, but here goes.
He is not the only one to blame. Your Daughter has to take some responsability for your situation too. I understand its hard for her, having just left school. But they are her kids and she is leaving it up to you because she knows how much you love them. If she really cared she would get rid of this loser, and manage on her own, back up by you.
Maybe you need to show a bit of tough love, she really needs to get rid of this guy. He may say how much he loves his children, but he's not putting himself out for them is he?.
You are a great Mum and Nanny, and sound very caring. But I think you are being taken for granted, by them both.
It must be really hard for you, to put your foot down. But I think until you do it will just carry on.
XX Tellulah
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