A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i'm looking for some help in handling this situation in the best way that i can. my only child, a daughter in her late 20's, has recently returned home to sort our her life. she's been living away from us for a long time, and has recently run into a rough patch i suppose you'd say. she and her boyfriend (who we all liked immensely, but who i guess had some major issues himself), broke up a couple of months ago, and she's been here ever since, doing not much of anything in terms of progress that i can see. before this, she was living on her own, working full time, at a job she'd kept for 5 years, until she quit it last year to have more freedom to travel and to find new passions, perhaps a new place to relocate too as well. i want to give her space to clear her mind and plan out the next chapter of her life. i know she desperately wants to start over, but she seems very stuck. it hurts and frustrates me to know how stuck she seems to be feeling. she isn't a burden to have here, really--when she moved out almost 10 years ago, i never thought i'd see her back. she keeps quiet in her room often, cleans the house more than i ever do, takes care of our yard, has planted some nice plants for us, and will help out the family whenever she's asked to. she has clearly stated that she doesn't want to live here forever, feels like she's already been here too long for all of our sakes, but it's obvious she's just not making any moves to change that. on top of it, she has enough money for a while to remain unemployed, and she doesn't seem eager to jump into anything new employment-wise, until she is more sure of what she can/wants to do or where to go. i don't think this is good for her, to be stagnating like this, and my husband (her step dad, who has never been that close to her), also has some concerns. we ask her if she's figured out what she's doing next probably once a day, and it just seems to make her feel claustrophobic, or so she says....when we suggest things, it seems to fall on deaf ears...on one hand, i want to give her as much space as she needs before she moves on to whatever it is that she thinks she wants to do. (she has done this before, once when she was in her early 20's, except at that time, she wasn't living with us, but on her own, but was just as stagnate as now.) on the other hand, it has been 2 months now since she got here, and i don't know how much longer she can keep this up...it already seems unhealthy for her, and for me and my husband because we all know (her included), that she's an adult and needs to be independent away from us and get on with her life. she doesn't even spend that much direct time with us/go anywhere with me anyways. i don't think she's here for our company. i think living with her parents once more makes her feel like a child again or something...she's usually hiding away and it is like she's a ghost in the house that cleans and takes care of the yard...she has no friends here anymore--her friends have all relocated out of state. she has always been a rather reserved person who doesn't make fast friends. the ones she does make, she keeps, but it takes her a while, so i don't forsee her isolation here changing anytime soon. she really needs to get more involved in school, work, something, move to where her friends live, etc, soon!we know we're enabling her being stuck, but i've never been one to give ultimatums to anyone...does any one have any advice for me? i'd appreciate whatever you have to say.p.s.--i know the hiding away thing might make her sound like she's got a drug habit or something like that, but she's always hidden away from us, even since she was a pre-teen. this isn't new behavior to me at all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): i'm the original poster--
thanks for taking the time to share your experiences and for giving your differing viewpoints.
they reflect how conflicted i feel inside.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): My brother is 18 years old, and he went to university across country. I barely spoke to him, but when i did he seemed like he was struggling, and then 3 months after he arrived (he arrived in september) He came home, he didn't like his lessons, he WAS struggling and incredibly home sick. Nobody is blaming him - but he's been home for 6 months now, he STILL hasn't found propper work and my parents STILL keep giving him money and i honestly think they should stop until he gets a job, because he needs to see how vital it is to do this now - because it will only get worse, and not just that but university was so much money and its had a chain effect on all of us, my parents finally let me go to new york but then i couldn't go because financial difficulties, but i'm not blaming him because we wouldn't want him miserable in uni just so i could go on holiday, but its a difficult topic, it also seems like he goes deaf when we bring up the subject but i'm sure he is aware, just wishing that he wasnt. It may be hard but try and lay down the laws with your daughter, it may cause resentment but don't forget that you are still parenting her, and just because she is an adult doesnt make you anything less than what you were when she was 5. I hope this helps, and its a very relatable topic :)
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 June 2009):
This is what think, being that I've been in your daughter's situation. I'm guessing she went out on her own straight out of high school and became the independent adult that she is? I ran into the same dilemma, I was out around 19 and wanted to be a "grown up" but then some things just kind of fell apart and I didn't want to be a grown up for a while. I had money to not work and I wanted to just relax. I was overwhelmed with a broken relationship, paying bills, working full time, and just being on my own. I certainly didn't want to live with my parents the rest of my life when I moved back, but I just needed some time to relax my mind. Sometimes it's tough in the real world as a single working woman, and you need to decompress before you go insane! You're right, sometimes you want to go back to that child phase. I think you and your husband should leave her alone. It will only make her feel bad and annoyed if you're dropping hints for her to leave. She may even resent you if you start hinting for her to do "something." She's proven in the past that she's a responsible individual, it's not like she's been a leech her entire adult life. She'll come out of it eventually.
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