A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My question is thirty years ago I was very much in love with my youth sweetheart,but she she got married but we never stopped seeing each other, she had to children, we didn't know if her daughter was her husband or mine but we split up for the children sake,it was very hard on both of us, it was my fault, she wanted to leave him, I did a ancessiory.com my dna, who came up on the list was the little girl, she did it two years ago, they sent her an update this week, so now her world is turned up side down, I have family and friends say I should contact her, but I think I should leave it up to her, she just found out her dad isn't her biological father,thanks
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female
reader, Loxy511  +, writes (1 February 2019):
So long as she knows how to contact you let her be the one to come to you, for sure. If you're absolutely desperate to say something to her, write it in a letter and send it to a friend or something so you have the therapy of getting what you need to out of your brain and your heart and into the open. It is difficult to gauge - She might be open to hearing something very short and inviting from you - not a huge letter of your guilt and feelings etc but something small to say that you are there no matter what - but do leave it at that until she comes around. It is likely that out of curiosity when she is older she will be in contact - she just needs to process everything for now and let her do so without complicating it any further. She will be more open to you later on then. I wish you the best - it is a difficult situation when there have been blurred lines and crossed paths etc - for now you need to let the dust settle, and the reality sink in. Perhaps one day she will see the joy in having two fathers who love her.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2019):
 I believe your instincts are correct. Leave it up to her. If she wants to get in contact with you she will find a way to do so. It has to be a shock to her after all these years to discover the man she thought was her father is in fact not her biological father. She may be able to accept you and you could possibly have a relationship somewhere down the road or its possible that she may not want anything to do with you considering the fact that you and her mother were going behind her dad's back. If he was/is a good man she may have a very hard time accepting you. Obviously you already realize all of this OP and thats one of the reasons why you think its best to hold back.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2019):
 You daughter may decide that the man who raised her is her true father which, to all intents and purposes, is true. It takes much more than being a sperm donor to be a father.
Much as you may yearn to reach out to your daughter (and I do get that), you have no right to disrupt a family in that way. You have no way of knowing who in the family is privy to this information.
Also, do you perhaps have an ulterior motive in all this, i.e. contact with the girl's mother?
In your shoes I would be prepared for your daughter to make contact and for to possibly be angry with you for your involvement in her conception. However, under no circumstances should you approach her yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019): No sir, let her contact you.
Don't disrupt her family, if she hasn't come looking for you.
You supposedly found-out about her accidentally. You would be exposing more than you have a right to; and this is an issue her mother should have the opportunity to discuss with her first. She may not contact you at all. This kind of discovery ripples throughout her entire family.
She knows only one father. These surprise discoveries don't always lead to reunions; and don't always have a happy ending.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 January 2019):
 I agree with Honeypie, and recommend leaving it up to her to come to you.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 January 2019):
 You had an affair, so I'd feel pretty betrayed by you and my mum, if I were her. As that's the situation, leave it up to her.
Write her a letter, if you want, but don't send it - just keep it in case she wants contact someday. Personally, I think it should include "I regret how your mother and I continued our relationship, but I did love her and I don't regret that you were born" - that way it takes responsibility for the hurt you've caused, whilst not making her feel unwanted.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2019):
 Leave it up to her. I'd say.
On the other hand are you still in contact with this " former sweetheart"? If so, maybe ask her what SHE thinks.
Could be your bio daughter knows, but doesn't WANT anything to do with you. After all you cheated on her Dad with her mother.
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