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*oncernedMom
writes: Hi there,I have a 16-year-old daughter and have recently found out that she is dating a 52-year-old man.She is talking about marriage and children with this man; personally I don't understand why she wants to marry someone so much older than her.My daughter says she loves this man and that their relationship is very good. I worry for her, though.I have also found out off a friend of my daughter's that this man and my daughter are having sex; I phoned the police about this but they said they can't do anything as she is at the legal age of consent (we live in Great Britain).Her father is not being very helpful; all he says about their relationship is if it makes them happy, then they should go for it.What should I do? Help me please!Concerned Motherx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, caronx  +, writes (12 February 2011):
Hi there,, I feel totally as one with you ,, am where you are and you have my heartfelt sympathies ,, its ok for people here saying its ok but its not at such a young age consenting or not they are still a child! and cannot drink or get wed until 18! these older men cause choas and devastation beyond sometimes repair,,, and the sick things the guy has text my daughter in the name of love are unprintable,, I will continue to keep my daughter from this man as and when i can until she is totally an adult then she has her own life,,,, hugs to you x
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reader, Dai1986 +, writes (26 December 2010):
I can understand your concerns about the age gap but as the police rightly said to you they aren't doing anything illegal and 16 is the age of consent.Also your husband is probaby concerned too but he's thinking if things go wrong that you and him will need to be there for her. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I'm only 15 but I understand where your coming from with the world like it is i worrie about my younger sister meeting guys much older then her its very hard to see your kid or younger sister with an older guy but the truth is ya gota learn to accept it all you can do is talk to her about it in a calm way ofcourse and if she gets angry then leave her be all you can do is talk to her about it and the rest is up to her
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I am 17 years old. I have a 52 year old boyfriend soon to me Husband. Age is nothing but a NUMBER! If you look at relationships based on that you may miss out on your true love. Sex doesn't make a realationship...If you date a like that than Sex shouldn't be happening. I am happy with mine and If your daughter is happy than you should be happy!!!!!
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reader, David Lewis +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Oh, and to answer your question, sorry.
I agree with the father. This guy obviously makes her happy and she sees a future with him. I would suggest you have a good talk with this man.
Just one question. Do you want your daughter to be happy?
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reader, David Lewis +, writes (20 October 2006):
Why is it that when a 16 year old is in love with a 20 year old, people say its true love, but refuse to accept that love occurs without age consideration?
I have been called all kinds of things because I have a younger partner. I am almost 30, she is 17. I was not attracted to her by her age, by the way she acted or dressed. I was attracted by her personality, wit and charm. I can understand people's concerns to an extent, but branding him a pedophile is a bit extreme.
Sure, you have the right to worry. You would probably worry just as much if the guy was 25.
Just because he is older does not mean he can't fall in love. You can't help who you fall for. The fact that this site exists proves that. How many people on here are stuck in abusive relationships, attracted to married men, etc? people fall in love in many ways.
I fell in love with my fiancee when she was 15, does that mean I am attracted to 15 year olds? No. Unfortunately, that is many peoples perceptions of age gap relationships. Oh a 21 year old loves a 14 year old, he must be a pedophile. I dont agree at all with that. Many people are lucky to fall in love with that one special person, but what if that one special person is 30 years younger? Does that make him sick?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): well frist of all a 52 year old man should no better than to scrue around with a 16 year old.as far as my concerneds that man is sick in the head and needs help ps.you have my vote thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): It is really up to them, let her be happy
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reader, vince +, writes (15 September 2005):
Hi concerned mother, I'm a father of seven children and understand exactly what your going through as it has not happened to my children as they are too young however it happened to my young cousin. She was 15 yrs old and only had a week to go before she was sixteen, she run away from home and I was called to trace her. The police are a waste of space I found her 3 weeks later by this time she was sixteen and the guy she was with was 59 yrs old. After beating the crap out of him I sat down and explained a few things to my cousin who announced she was carrying his baby and loved him so much. He said he would look after her, nothing else I could do except stand by her and tell her I am always here for her and I will always look after her if she gets in to trouble. Four weeks after the baby was born I received a phone call from a tearful cousin, her man she loved so much has kicked her and baby out after beating her black and blue, he did not want her or the child as he had found another younger girl. I took my cousin in and gave her a roof over her head, I sent her to college and I look after her baby, I can't say what happened to her ex partner but I can say is he would not have sex with anyone for a very long time. Just stand by your daughter and tell her that your always there for her and the door will always be open for her if the relationship does not work. If you need any help just let me know all the best Vinciano.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2005): Dear Mom
Wow! This issue has obviously struck a lot of nerves with some folks out there. I do agree with Rebbecca..the pedophile comment made by one reader, was unecessary and very narrow minded. Although I still stand by my original posting-I am writing one more time to hopefully, offer some support to you-from one Mother to another. Only you know this situation, only you know the maturity of your daughter and what she is capable of understanding, only you know the dynamics of what is really going on. You will have use your insightfulness, your wisdom and your love to assist your daughter in her decision-making process..so that she is able to live a wonderful, happy meaningful life. If in time, it's turns out to be the worst decision, then you have to be prepared to catch her when she falls.
Hormones, the struggle for independence, peer pressure, and an emerging identity-will wreak havoc in all adolescents. Issues of how much autonomy to grant, what kind of discipline is effective, which issues are worth fighting about, and how to talk to our teens will always challenge our parental creativity, patience, and courage.
Although teenagers will make their own choices, the good home life you are providing will increase the odds that your daughter can and will avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence. Particularly, a kind, warm, solid relationship with parents who demonstrate respect for their children, an interest in their children's activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities may directly or indirectly deter much of the poor decisions our teens make.
I will be honest, Mom. I still feel great unease as to why this older man has an interest in your daughter. I do question his motivations but as her Mother and Father..you must help her come to the realization of what really is the root, the basis of HIS relationship with her. If at any time, you feel, this man is USING your daughter, please do all you can to support, encourage and love her, as that realization will possibly devastate and break her heart.
You asked about problems that MAY come about if she marrys him. There are a few but how she deals with it will depend on the strength, the self-esteem, maturity and perseverence she has as an individual.
Firstly, the taboo society put on this type of relationship may be challenging. They both have to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the committment/confidence it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the age differences.
Secondly, If he has family from a prior relationship, how are his adult children going to treat her? As we are casting doubt on his motives, you can almost be assured any adult children will possibly view her as a threat and they will question HER motives, as well. That may not be conducive to a healthy, happy situation for her, causing her pain, hurt and rejection.
Thirdly, as he ages, he may lose the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that she will crave to do. They may have done those things earlier in their marriage together, but his progressing age could change that. Will she be able to cope with that. He may be "young at heart" now, physically fit, etc...but the possibility he won't remain that way, as he pushes 70-75 years old, are great.
Fourthly, health will become a big stumbling block eventually. As he ages and poor health becomes an issue for him, will she want to become his nursemaid & caretaker, on a daily basis. This may be very tiring and stressful for her, if she may have younger children to raise. If he's not financially able to support his family through possible poor health, she will become the breadwinner, the burden of parenting soley will be on her shoulders, adding to daily pressures.
Fifthly, this may not apply but a point to consider. He may be so used to taking charge of his own life that she may not feel like a respected "equal" partner in marriage with him. He may feel his young wife is NOT capable of handling the everyday responsibilities such as money management, household budgeting, running an efficient home, etc. If he is wealthy, there is also the possibility he will fear losing all he has worked so hard for in regards to cash.
I am not condoning this relationship-I still do think your daughter needs the chance to live her life as a teen, have fun, date guys her age, get an education, go to college, embark on a good career, have her own apartment,learn to look after herself. Just keep loving her, accepting her an hope like heck...all that you taught her will be the moral compass for how she conducts her life. We do live in an age where "tough times sometimes call for tough parenting" The greatest danger to someone facing a stressful family time, is that she will become afraid and do nothing. Keep being strong- Take Care, Mom My best to you and your family.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, ConcernedMom +, writes (25 August 2005):
As regards the reader who wrote, "You say he doesn't appear controlling..how do you know this for sure?" my daughter told me he treats her with respect, and their relationship is about more than just sex. She claims she is fully ready for a relationship with this man.
She wants to take this man on our family holiday - is this a good idea?
She also wants to take him clubbing too - is this a good idea?
Advice is appreciated
Concerned Mother
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): Dear Concerned Mom,
You've already said in your note and I quote: "I have also found out off a friend of my daughter's that this man and my daughter are having sex"
It's a well-known fact, that some old adult males desire young teen girls, purely for sexual reasons. Look at all the teen porn websites! If there wasn't such a demand for them-they wouldn't be on the internet. Your daughter is very young and is already having sex with this older man. I beg you, please tell your daughter to proceed with caution! I am not saying all older men are just out for sex or power, or that they have unwholesome motives in general, but be aware that the situation your daughter is in, is one of extreme power imbalance and hse could get seriously hurt. This older man obviously didn't use his wisdom, his foresight, maturity and respect for her, when it came to bedding her. He took what he wanted from her and he should've known better. Such unequal situations are rarely conducive to the love, understanding, and deep friendship that accompany a satisfying sexual relationship. Please Mom, understand this, if he wants to have sex with her, it doesn't necessarily mean he loves her; it just means he wants to have sex with her. It is highly likely, she could be in a situation where she is being exploited, but she doesn't see it because 52 year old men do not date 16 year old girls.
A healthy relationship is one that is based on equality. An adult male who is in a relationship with a minor teen girl cannot, by definition, be equal partners in a relationship. Anytime an adult has a sexual relationship with someone who is this young, it is a form of exploitation, even if no overtly coercive behavior appears to be involved. The adult is using the sexual and emotional inexperience of the teen to get something from her, that he wants. That is extreme selfishness and exploitation on his part. Why do you think he has "chosen" her..an older woman of 25 plus..would have clued into this coercion and sent him packing!
It's a well known fact, that much older men have rigid, stereotyped views of masculinity may see the "conquest" of a young teen girl as an affirmation of their masculinity. You say he doesn't appear controlling..how do you know this for sure? He's on his best behaviour when you are around. A lot of older men go for teen girls because they find them easier to control. He may be not have been successful in his prior relationships with adult women because adult women don't put up with a load of crap. Thus, he may be turning to preying on young teens...mainly your daughter.
She may be a mature 16 year old but she still needs love and guidance from her parents...do the right thing Mom...please encourage her to delay any more sexual behaviors until she is physically, cognitively, and emotionally ready for mature sexual love relationships and their consequences (re; pregnancies, std's) Get into counseling with her and get her some help in dealing with this. He needs to back away and give her some space to seriously think this through.
I wish you so much luck with this-it's just so morally wrong, Mom...you gotta see that?? Don't give up-You have to help her. Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): It's unnatural for a sixteen-year-old girl to be dating someone who, age-wise, could pass for her grandfather.
It's completely inappropriate and it's obvious that the older man is only using her for the sex. If he really loved her, he would not compromise a teenage girl's purity and self-esteem in such a way.
Perhaps it's possible that your daughter was not receiving the attention she wanted from guys her own age, and when this man began to show attention to her, she accepted it, because she felt lonely.
Either way, it's wrong for them to be in this relationship and I would sit down and talk with your daughter about it and hopefully try and find a compromise.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (22 August 2005):
 Concerned Mom
I'm afraid you will keep on getting some quite narrow minded replies because of the age difference; people are jumping on the band wagon of paedophilia and it is this that your daughter may come up against. She may have to face the social stigma of being involved/married to a man much older than herself.
This is the question that you are asking; what problems your daughter may face if she marries him. A bit like people being racially prejudiced, they may react to her relationship. However, if your daughter and her partner feel strongly enough about each other, after a while this may not bother them.
Of course, the other problems your daughter may face may be to do with the fact that she will be ever changing as she grows older whereas her partner will most likely remain the same. They may be things that she will want to do that he will have already done but that doesn't mean to say they couldn't do them together and enjoy themselves.
Her partner may worry that she might at some point wish to be with someone closer to her age but this is to do with building trust and understanding and him making allowances for her youth.
If they feel strongly for each other, their relationship could be successful as I said in my previous posting but do still be concerned for her, obviously
I am glad you have a close relationship with your daughter. Nurture this and she will turn to you if she ever feels she is in a crisis.
I hope this helps to answer your question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2005): I can understand age gap relationships..but 54 and 16 is bordering on the absurd. This is ridiculous and as her Mother you have to protect your daughter and I am behind you all the way!
The better approach is to listen to your teen daughter and get involved in her life. Encourage her to get involved in life with friends her own age. Teenagers are more likely to make frienships with older men if they are bored or feel empty. Set tough guidelines..equip her with the limits and love they need to avoid growing up too fast.
At 16, dating anybody more than two years older is inappropriate. That is simply a matter of the immense changes that happen developmentally in a teenager. It's a well known fact that the human mind is not completely developed and mature until it is 25. She's not equipped emotionally to understand the consequences of what is happening to her and this creep is taking full advantage.
When your daughter is in her mid-30s, she will ask herself "Was I having sex with a pedophile?" That may be something appalling for her to grasp. She will have to live with the consequences, the enormous regret and emotional backlash this will cause her.
Tell her to get out of this relationship, date guys closer to your own age and enjoy her youth. she only has one shot at it. Chances are good he enjoyed his youth, a youth he lived 36 years ago! Herlife is just starting while a 50 years olds’ life is just winding down. Most normal well-adjusted 30,40 and 50 year old men (and more than a few men in their late 20’s) would run to the nearest psychologist for intensive therapy, if they ever seriously thought about having that kind of a relationship with a 16 year old teen schoolgirl.This guy is has many problems. It's highly likely he is a control freak and he is in an early mid-life crisis. Not to mention being emotionally messed up, guys like him always stray from socially accepted norms, he’s plain creepy. When all is said and done the dude is just not right. Protect your daughter!
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reader, ConcernedMom +, writes (22 August 2005):
I have met this man and he seems to be OK. My daughter has a close relationship with both me and her father.
He doesn't appear controlling in any way, shape or form.
What problems could my daughter face if she does marry this man?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (22 August 2005):
I will agree with the other replies that it isn't usual for a man of that age to be interested in such a young girl and that it is something to be concerned about but I think the other responses are jumping to assumptions about your daughter's boyfriend and portraying him as a kind of monster who is intent upon possessing, controlling and ruining your daughter's life. This may not be the case, dare I say.
I'm simply trying to help you look at this situation in a slightly different light. Of course you need to be concerned about your daughter. She could be making a massive mistake, but then, she could be unhappy with a man closer to her age who could abuse her physically or emotionally or even both.
No, indeed, it doesn't seem natural at all for a man in his fifties to be with a girl who is only a teenager but before you waste your time trying to get the authorities to change their minds on what they consider the legal age to be for a young person to indulge in a sexual relationship, try to develop a closer relationship with your daughter. This way, you can provide the safety net if things do go wrong. Take an interest in her life. Meet her new boyfriend and try to judge for yourself what he is like.
It could be the case that because she doesn't have a close relationship with her dad, she is seeking this in an older man but whatever the reasons, she is entitled to find out for herself if this relationship is going to work or not.
Try to be there for her. Develop a close relationship with her so she feels able to confide in you. This shoild be your main priority.
Remember, some age gap relationships do work, even those when one of the people involved are as young as your daughter. Don't be too hasty to judge a man you haven't met despite what the other answers say. Of course be very concerned but put a little bit of faith in what your daughter tells you and find out more by being part of her life.
This is the best you can do; allow her to make any mistakes and be there for her if she gets hurts.
I really hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2005): This is outregous, your daughter is barley legal and in my honest oppinion hes taken advantage of her, i mean i know at 16 the only thing i was worried about was my mates and having a good time i didnt even think about sex or a serious relationship. Defonently put her on the pill and it is illegal for her to get engdaged at the age of 16 without parents permission! what ever you do dont stop her from seing this man it will only encourage her more, try to make her see what she is missing out on, enrol her in college or work based learning, try to get her to spend time just you and her. im only 19 and im expecting my 1st child this is my 1st relationship ever and as much as i love my boyfriend i wish i would have lived alot more, its my biggest regret thinking about all the things im going to miss out on! Your husband isnt supporting you the way he should i cant begin to imagine how it is making you feel but if she was to meet people her own age it may have a positive effect on her! This man should be disgusted in himself. Goodluck i really hope its works out for you i really feel for you but your daughter doesnt know any better she might think she does but at the end of the day your mum always knows whats best!
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (22 August 2005):
 Is there any way you/she could get away for awhile? Do you have any relatives out of town where she could stay for a time to allow her to forget him? She could do a semester away. Or, does she do any out of the home activities? If she engages in school and other activities, she would have less time. Anything you could do to eliminate his influence should be on the table. . . even home schooling. This is serious stuff and you and her dad need to make dealing with this a priority.
I hate to say this but, how is her relationship with her dad? Most females who are emotionally abandoned by their dad will act out sexually, or with inappropriately aged men. Girls need their dads to develop a good self concept and esteem. They will not know what male love should look like and it is not yet too late to fix this. If this is the case, then she is trying to fix the emotional wound with other men. She then also would be feeding a secret desire to be important to her dad by acting out with this guy. If he is not very active in her life she may be attempting to replace him in a way. You need help here and her dating this guy is her way of shining light on the family problem.
Check out his history if possible even if you have to hire a private eye to dig. Hopefully his past will provide you with another plan of action. If you know or find out anyone who knew this guy, maybe you can find dirt that the police don't yet know. He has to have other victims. Maybe they would complain if they had back up.
I guess the worst case though is if you really freak out and drive her away and to him. To convince her to even go near him, mind control techniques not unlike cult leaders use had to be employed. Do nothing to criticize him to her. Only ask questions off that topic. Then she will eventually have a few reservations and voice them. If it must come to this, wait to say anything until then, get counseling, when she wants to talk ask loving questions that would lead her to the truth with out you pointing it out. He is probably controlling and just a bit of reminder of what a loving, equal and healthy relationship is like could sway her to your point.
He is probably telling her you and her dad are not doing enough for her while he will and / or that you don't care but he does. He might also be telling her things that you just want her to have no life and if you had one of your own . . . In other words influencing her way of viewing life in general. Do nothing if possible to confirm this- you lose it and yell, rant and rave- then he gets to say see what I said?. Be a comfortable place for her to come back to if he persuades her to leave you.
In the mean time, lobby your MP to change the law. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2005): As a mother of adult children myself, I am saddened at reading this about your daughter. This man trying to capture the essence of his youth by dating your daughter-and I find it very disturbing. He wants youth? Why not a 25 year old woman? A woman who is independent and mature enough to make mature, life decisions. Why a teenage schoolgirl who is just coming into what should be, the best years of her life. Adult men often date young girls because it is easier to sexually exploit them. Teen girls in these relationships don't recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.
Your daughter not an equal to this man. He is much older, he is more powerful and has more resources. She is not in an equal bargaining & decision-making position, and she will be easily overpowered, always assuming that her boyfriend is right, because he is older and wiser. She will be forced to emotionally mature faster than she may want to. Having an older boyfriend is a status symbol amongst many teen girls, because it shows, she is a grownup and already part of the "adult" world, they are merely fantasizing about. She in fact, is making a huge mistake with her life, just to "show off" to some friends. That will eventually wear thin as she matures. But it may be too late, once she's strapped with two kids by this old man. His lifestyle is one she be expected to assume, him being the older breadwinner, she will be very dependent on him which is where he wants her. It's then that her reality will become denigrated and downplayed, further reducing her power in the relationship. There is the issue of the power struggle with you. She's rebelling against you and these relationships often happen when a child is at that stage between childhood and adulthood. This age-gap relationship challenges your power and the boyfriend becomes an ally for the child against you. He might also pressure her to go against their wishes, which in a way, reduces both the teen's support structure and destroys your nurturing & guidance of her. Parents seem very old-fashioned to her, which further strengthens the boyfriend’s hold over your daughter. I'm wondering (except for obvious reasons) WHY a man of 52 is interested in a teen of 16? Has this a pattern in his life? Does he perhaps have difficulty communicating with people his own age? Or does he need the age difference to put him in a position of authority in the relationship-a position he might not be able to pull off with a woman his own age?
So what can Mom do? Well,the police have said they can't help. All you can do is appeal to her common sense. The more you object, the more it makes his world of freedom seem all the more desirable and you the bad guy. You may have to talk to the bf and hope he'll do the honorable thing and fade away, allowing her to be a healthy teen girl and having fun with her peers.
Yes, your daughter needs your guidance and protection. When she's older, she'll look back on this relationship and see it for what it is-exploitative and manipulative. You may think about talking to her with the help of a family counselor/mediator.
If she does not live her very own life now, I can promise that she will need to live it, later and it will be too late. She needs to date boys her own age, learn about life, have fun-try to discover all the fun adventures involved in being a teenager with the world before her. Already, this man has, introduced her to sex. But for every little experience he introduces her to, he also steals something from her, as a young person. He is stealing her "right to grow up" into adulthood in her own way and in her own time. And when she grows up in about 5 years, she will come to realize her huge mistake and know that she missed out on life. She may be strapped with two kids and in a dead end marriage with an old man! If her boyfriend is a remotely decent man, and truely cares for her, he will step back. Suggest to your daughter, to be fair to herself and spend equal amounts of time with her galpals/school friends of your own age, as she does with him. She needs to feel how good it is to be 16. I'd like to think she will eventually come to her senses and begin enjoying her life to the fullest with young people her own age. I sincerely hope she can come to realize..that she doesn't have to be a "sacrificial lamb" to be happy. If someone doesn't intervene..in about 5-10 years-she will be a very unhappy person, she will have some huge regrets. I wish you all the luck in the world and my heart goes out to you. Take Care.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, Anastasia  +, writes (22 August 2005):
 Um...you should talk to the man. Find out what his story is. This is wrong any way you take it because she is only a kid. This is your daughter you are talking about. To me this sounds really sick cause a man that age could be her grandfather. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to be the tough love parent and take control of this. Your husband is shocking me with his nonchalant attitude about it though. Hunny, I feel for you but you really need to harness this now before she moves out with this man. Good Luck..ana
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