A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i have a 15year old daughter and her relationship with her stepfarther(my husband) is veryunnatural. they are to close. she gets away with almost everything. he doesn't see that there relationship is effecting our marrage. how do i deal with it. i feel like a failure. me and my daughter is not close at all and i have tried everything. i feel that my relationship with my husband is falling appart. we are also not close anymore. i have a 5year old boy with him and he is not as close to my son as he is to my dayghter. i am in a finansial sutuation that i can't leave,cause i don't know where to go. please please please help. i am desperate!!!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I don't want to jump to the conclusion that he is molesting your daughter but his actions seem to lean that way. And it could explain your daughter not having a close relationship to you. A lot of times a young girl will blame her mother more than the abuser because her mom did not stop the abuse. It could also explain why she gets closer when you are determined to build your relationship and pulls back away when you side with your husband. If your children truly do come first as you have stated you need to get out of this now. Financial issues is no excuse to have your daughter in this situation. There is absolutely NO excuse to keep your daughter in such a situation, it would be despicable. You seem to have some fear it could be what's really going on (as you said you have thoughts but no proof) and when you even have a slight idea it could be then GET OUT. Then talk to your daughter and get her into counseling. Sexual abuse affects people for the rest of their lives and destroys lives. She is too young to help herself, as her mother you need to protect her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanking you all for your advice. i really appreciate it. God bless each one of you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i understand what u all is trying to tell me. but what i am to affraid to say is that there relationship has gone so far as that my daughter doen't wanna have anything to do with me. she dispice my son(her step brother). when we both aggree that we are going to try and work on our mother daughter relationship, my husband pulls away from me. i feel like a stranger to him. when me and my hubby desides to try and work on our marridge, my daughter pulls away from me and gets disrespectfull towards me. i do however have thoughts to say if there is'nt something more going on between the two of them,but i dont have any proof. i did have a heart to heart to my daughter, but she does not want to open up with me and keep on saying that there is nothing going on between the two of them.i love my husband to the end of the world,but i love my kids more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Not saying this is the case, but many pedophiles romance and marry mothers of young girls just to get close to the daughters, unfortunately one of the potentially dangerous side effects of bringing a unrelated male/total stranger into a young girl's life (since you have a five-year-old together, assuming daughter was 6-8 years old when you brought then-total stranger now-hubby into the picture). Also unfortunate your husband is favoring your daughter at the expense at his son, even more so that you are financially dependent on him and can't leave. No easy solution to long-term fallout from short-sighted bad decision on your part. I can only advise you contact domestic violence hotline or shelter for resources and referrals. Unhealthy situation for all, can only get worse if you find out hubby has gotten your daughter pregnant with a baby who is also her step-sibling, making you your own step-child's grandmother and your five-year-old his own half-sibling's uncle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): You need to talk to your daughter and for your sake I hope there is no interest other than a fatherly/daughter relationship.
TRy being understanding and help her understand that you love her and so does her dad and if anything she would like to confide in you about?
Tell her that you believe your marriage is in trouble and how hurt you are but do not accuse or blame her of anything. SHe needs to see the softer side of you and you need to be understanding and not scold her. A good heart to heart talk is the best in this situation. Ask if she thinks its best your husband and you seperate and how would she feel, also explain to her your financial situation.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 August 2012):
 PLease take control of the situation and set up some boudaries. At 15 it is a bit late to start this and it may not be easy.
I think some one on one time with your daughter to build the relationship would be a start.
You also need to ask your husband to stand beside you, not against you. Your daughter should not be able to play one adult against the other.
Let your husband know that you expect his 100% support at all times in your goal to
(1) Build a positive relationship with your daughter. Praise her when she behaves well and do it immediately you see something you can praise and be very specific about what you are praising.
(2) Find out things your daughter wishes happened now that do not happen. These are rewards that would mean something to her. (more of that later)
(3) Build in consequences into the relationship between you and your daughter if your daughter acts up or is disrespectful. So if she speaks to you in a disrespectful way have a wall chart that helps her see consequences for unacceptable actions. (more about the wall chart in a moment)
(4) Work out ways to do positive things with your daughter. This could be cooking together. Doing a Workout together at home to an exercise tape. Giving your daughter a face cleansing day. You can make a face mask from oatmeal. There are lots of natural ingredient recipes on the internet for good skin care,
Another treat could be to allow your daughter to soak her feet then give her a foor massage and a pedicure.
(5) Set up a Chart. On a large piece of cardboard.
On the left write things you need to stop
Such as 'no cussing' / 'no yelling' / 'no temper tantrums' That's the left of the Chart.
On the right of the chart there are blank squares. But that is where you can stick on a consequence if any of those things are done.
So if she yelled at you then you could stick on he consequence such as "go to sit in her room for 5 minutes"
But if she does not disobey you then at the end of the day she gets a star pinned on the chart.
At the end of the 5 days if she has 5 stars then you can provide her with one of the treats (see (2) above)
And talk to her calmly.
Do not yell at her
Do not hit her
She is becoming a young woman, she needs to be respecful towards you
Your husband must not undermine you. He needs to treat the chart seriously too.
Let your husband know how important it is that he starts to build a positive bonded relationship with his son.
Your husband needs to respect that as the mother of your daughter you have the first say and the last say all the time. His role is to support your role as a successful parent. He is not there to cause your daughter to become a spoilt disrespectful indulged child.
Do not be afraid to ask your daughter to go to her room
And once your baby is asleep and your daughter has been asked to retire for the night = then is the time to enjoy a 'date' with your husband.
And with consequences for your daughter if she flouts any of your roles
Best Wishes to you
Regards
Abella
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