A
female
age
36-40,
*lendil
writes:It is two months before my wedding and I my fiance told me he's been with "like 6 other girls" before me. I had thought there were two which was hard enough because I waited for him. We've been having a hard time sexually and I feel angry an inadequate because it's hard to get him going and there's quite the list of what I do wrong. He says I'm not, but after over an hour trying to give a bj, I feel like I'm going to pass out. I guess the issue is a couple thongs ans he doesn't understand. I'll always be compared by his body to reactions he's had with others, I'm now physically linked with several people, I could have an std because he's never been tested, and he just acts unsympathetic when I tell him I'm having a hard time with this news two months before the wedding. I know it's in the past, but why does this past hurt so bad? Should I still be getting married?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): STOP. You gave yourself the answer.
You don't need to get that answer from anyone else, you are already telling yourself this. Don't get married.
Problems like this don't go away with marriage.
Both of you have issues sexually and they will either get worse, or go underground and rise up again in other issues (affairs and such) if you get married without dealing with these issues.
A
male
reader, redroute1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
I think it is very important to try to define who you are and what you want out of life. Know thyself. For both of your sake, do NOT settle for less than what you are completely willing to accept.
You are not married yet...so take this time to make you personal judgments. I am going through something a similar myself and I know how hard this process can be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I will never understand why it is okay to risk someone's health with lies about the past like this.
Seriously, how do people rationalize that this is acceptable? I would like to know.
Is everyone in denial about the facts of STIs? That they do not all show up on tests within 6 months? That some of them are not included in a "full screening"? That some of them cannot be detected with any test?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I would NOT spend an hour trying to get a man to orgasm via BJ... if he can't make it after 30 minutes he's got an issue I'm not willing to deal with... it's hard work.
as for the other stuff
1. go get tested and get him tested (it should be standard to have blood work at the beginning of being committed and again at 6 months after no sexual contact with others... we did it that way) this applies to anyone who is NOT a virgin even if they only had ONE partner.
2. what happened in the past SHOULD be the past... it's what made him who he is today. IF you can't cope with that then you should consider calling off the wedding.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Just remember that he is with you now, not anyone else, not anyone from his past, he's marrying you so take that as 'your better' than the others, have a bit more confidence in yourself, what he's done in the past is his business. And has nothing to do with your future together, and if your giving him a blow job for an hour im not suprised he's marrying you, good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): He needs to see a doctor about why he can't keep it going sexually. He may need viagra. An hour for a bj is very excessive.You say he has a "list of what you do wrong." That is a red flag. That really concerns me.My late husband use to grade me on my sexual performance from giving me an F to if ever an A. I'm so glad to be out of that situation now.I sense some controlling issues and verbal abuse from your fiance. Bad signs all around so take heed to that.I'm dating someone now and he has a past with about six ex-girlfriends and his last girlfriend was gorgeous and he has told me so and I've seen pictures of her. So, yes, it's hard on me as well wondering what she was like in bed and how she looked naked. Calling me her name in bed the first time we had sex did not make it any easier (a bad sign since I don't want to be the rebound girl.) She was in fantastic shape and "always" worked out. I've never looked like that nor will I ever although I want to be the best that I can be too.He needs to be tested for STD. He should do that without any argument if he really loves you.Personally, if I was in your shoes and knowing what I do know about relationships and having been through it all, I would delay the marriage. There are just too many red flags here.If you want to save the relationship I would consider counseling for the both of you. If he isn't willing to do that either, I think you have your answer.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Whenever EITHER of the people who will be marrying - the bride or the groom - has "second" thoughts as the nuptials approach... I think it is far smarter to delay the wedding until/unless the reason for the second thoughts is reconciled....
Consider: if the contents of your submittal really ARE fatal to the relationship between the two of you... better to NOT be married when you find out.... and,....
.. if the contents of this submittal DO GET RECONCILED... in a week or a month or a year... what difference will that time have meant????
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): The past is in the past. You cannot change it.
He chose you. If sex was truly terrible, he'd found someone else a lot sooner.
He isn't comparing you wit anything! Seriously, chill. No one is bad at sex. Sex is sex! A cookie is a cookie is a cookie is a cookie! All cookies are slightly different, yet still equally delicious! Like sex! You just need to let him guide you, maybe google sone different techniques. And guys have short memories. When theyre with a girl, they don't tjin about that time they had sex with that other girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I do not think his past should be an issue, he was not with you, and you cannot ask him to be without, the numbers of women he has been is not an issue.However, you should ask him to go to clinic and get tested for sti.I would also suggest to him to see a doctor as I think you are saying there sexual problems on his side. He should see a doctor about it.I went out with a guy who could not get erection. I stayed with him, as sex was not important to me (everyone is different).
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