A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Feeling Very Hurt and Left OutI helped someone out with her daughter lots of times, and I became friends with the mom. We went to our kids' activities together and we invited her daughter over as she was the same age as my daughter. My daughter is very shy in school. She is one of four girls in school; the girls are in sixth grade. (The other three are very outgoing.) My daughter doesn't know how to include herself when the girls are all together. It seems as if she is kind of left out, even though she does participate in recess and in sports activities. My friend's daughter is best friends with another girl in their class. If we invite my friend's daughter, my daughter is never invited back. This other girl is invited back. My feelings are very hurt as a parent and a friend of the other mom. I feel like our friendship is ruined. Even though I have talked to this other mom, things never change.What do I do? I would like to continue being friends with this other mom, but I feel too hurt to even try. It hurts me terribly to see my daughter left out. She is invited to birthday parties and at times when all of the girls are included but never on a one-on-one play date or activity.Do you think I should encourage my daughter to invite this girl to help my friendship along?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I think the aunts who advised you that you are trying to force a friendship are way off the mark. Your child is very young, and they are assuming that you don't understand her or observe her and miss the fact that your child is lacking friends due to her shyness.
It isn't a matter of life or death, it isn't that big of a crisis, if you want to continue to invite this other girl over for play dates I think that is great, but it doesn't mean that because the other mother doesn't reciprocate that your daughter is not liked. It doesn't f'n matter which house they play together at, as long as they get the opportuinity, she gets the opportunity to have interaction with other girls and has a good time.
A
female
reader, Over..worried.  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I was like that when I was a kid.
I just didn't like the other girls, they were mean to me because I didn't always like the things they did. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to be there,
When I was a kid people always put us in groups boys or girls. Yes I am a girly girl but I get along with guys better. Why don't you ask her what she wants? Who she wants to be friends with don't force her into a friendship. Maybe she likes being alone. I don't want to know what you want for her but what does SHE want?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I'm sure you posted here before, sorry to see things haven't changed. The problem is that you and the mother are friends. But there is no reason to think that your daughters should be friendly. For all you know the other daughter may hate your kid and may deliberately telling her mother to get rid of her. You can't force them to offer your daughter friendship.Also I don't hear anything about what your kid wants. You don't say if she likes these girls and wants to be included. All I hear is what you want. You are friends with this woman and therefore you want your daughters to be friends.The three girls are outgoing, they have already formed their little group. Your daughter is shy, she is not like them, they have nothing in common.Instead of trying to force friendship where it may not be wanted, try to get your daughter into hobbies where she may find new playmates. Check the church, sports club, check the local parks. She may not even want girl friends, she might be more comfortable with boys.Again, please do not force friendship, as I think I said before, it becomes embarrassing if the mother and her daughter do not respond.At the moment you putting your daughter, the other mother and the other girls in a very difficult and embarrassing situation. You can't force this friendship thing.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (31 August 2010):
 http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/parentingshychildren.htmThere seems to be some good ideas on this site with some resources how to help your shy child.I always thought shyness was a sign of intelligence.I understand that you feel frustrated that this child's mother is not reciprocating play dates to her house, but I am not sure it is what you think it is.Sometimes I think mothers sort of take advantage of each other, like she takes advantage of her break from her child when she comes to your house to play with your daughter. And you say her daughter has chosen another child as her best friend so naturally that is who this girl is going to bug her mom the most about having over to the house, the mom only has so much time for play dates, and probably it's not intentional that she doesn't reciprocate, but a matter of time and her child's preference for a best friend, and that is something that you can't do anything about and it really isn't a reflection on your daughter.I think you are mostly worried about your daughter having opportunities to play with other children and develop social skills, so by all means keep inviting the girl over to play or other girls and if you become closer friends over time with the mother than that's great.Those adult friendships take time to develop as well don't they? And next time she comes to drop your daughter off over at her place, ask her if she would remember to include your daughter in a group play date with both of the girls and you would like to do the same, open up and tell her that your child is a bit shy and you would like to see her get involved with other children and make friends, what's one more kid? She probably just hasn't given it much thought, so ask her...Hope this site helps you out.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (31 August 2010):
 As parents we want to do anything we can to help our kids. When our child is shy it hurts us to see them not be included, to seem to be not forming the independent friendships we know to be so valuable. But -- you can't force a friendship. It's the old 'lead a horse to water' thing -- all you can do is give the kids opportunities to develop something. If it doesn't develop, then you try something else, perhaps in this case activities outside of school your daughter might like, such as dance or gymnastics.
I was disturbed by the last line of your post. Using your child to facilitate your own friendship is just inappropriate. If it's not working between your daughter and the other child, let them be. If you can't have a friendship with this other parent on its own merit as adults, it's not to be. For goodness sake don't put your daughter in an uncomfortable situation for your benefit.
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