A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is a little hard to explain and may seem a bit silly to some of you but please bare with me. I have a 12 year old daughter who has been in secondry school since september last year. Since she has been there, understandably she has developed keener interest in how she looks and dresses. They had a non-school uniform day where they could all come into school dressed how they wanted to.. well she came home upset. Aparently her clothes are childish and all the other kids are wearing jewelry and make up. She says that everyone picked on/ laughed at her and a girl in her year reckoned that she was wearing a top that she had donated to the charity shop a week before. As you can imagine my daughter felt a little embarrased and told me that from now on she no longer wants me to buy her clothes for her she wants to choose her own . Now Im not very old myself and didnt think my dress sence was that bad,and the only problem is that I do get alot of her clothes second hand from either ebay or charity shops. There is no shame in this as I cant always afford to buy new and it means they dont go without. But I understand that no matter how hard they try, kids cant always see it that way, expeshally if they are being picked on about it. Shes become a bit withdrawn since this and I have spoken to the school because I think she may be being bullied but I feel terrible, I got bullied all through school and I know that there is very little I can do as a parent because kids can be so horrible. Any advice about any of the above would be helpful. Thankyou. x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Dear OP,
I have thought about this post since I first read it... my heart aches for your daughter... and for you...
I think that not knowing where to tell you to go is part of why I didn't respond.. but now that others in your area have given you good ideas I will tell you my tale...
I was in 6th grade (age 12) (FORTY YEARS AGO OP but yet I can see it like yesterday) I was a geeky weird girl with few friends and many social skills. In addition, my mom did not buy consignment clothes but stuff that was not considered cool... I remember for one holiday I got "peanut jeans" and a "bubble top" and that was THE ONLY cool outfit I had.... I wore it to school one day and all the girls were so nice to me. The next day I wore a different outfit and I was taunted and teased for 'not being as cool as yesterday" it hurt. and I hated it.
One of the girls who taunted me in elementary school that I wanted to be friends with so badly... believe it or not she has NO memories of being cruel to me.... she remembers we were friends... I don't see it that way and 38 years later we became "facebook friends" and that's when I found it it meant so much more to me than them... the bullies don't even remember but your daughter will and my heart aches for her... it doesn't mean she won't survive and do well....
is there a way she can have a counselor to talk to? someone outside of school to help her with her self-esteem and coping skills????
FWIW, I'm almost 53 now. I married (too many times), I had kids, I have had a decent if not typical life... she will survive and knowing her mother loves her so deeply will eventually be a comfort to her.
I wish I knew how to fix it... kids are cruel... it's part of how we learn to be adults... I weep for your pain and your daughter's pain. I wish I could fix it for both of you... I can't
but I wanted you both to know you are not alone
love
aunt SVC
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 February 2013):
All good suggestions so far except concealer. A 12 year-old should not be clogging up her pores with that stuff. It'll ruin her skin. Get her some BB cream instead if she wants to cover up spots.
Also, it wouldn't be bad to get her into martial arts. I've been bullied from elementary school up till the end of high school and martial arts really helped up my confidence and better deal with it (and no, by dealing with it I don't mean smashing everyone's head in). I started at 13 and I still do it today at 24.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Clothes can be a really, really sensitive issue for kids at this pre-pubescent age - they are really bound up into a sense of identity and can constitute a way of forging social bonds. It's fantastic that you care about this - I went through agonies growing up because my mother didn't care what we wore (in a neglectful sense) and as I went to a 'posh' school it was excruciating. I'd say foreget the charity shop and ebay stuff - honestly, she can look into this if she's older but kids are so sensitive to this that it's not worth causing her the pain - if you lived in an area where everyone was doing this and it was commonplace then fine, but she's in a very small and tight community at school and she won't want to be labelled the 'freak'. Yes, Primark...and occasionally a really nice 'treat' like a lovely dress for a special occasion, so that she feels she has 'status'. At home, she can wear whatever she wants and you can talk to her about values etc relating to capitalism and so on till the cows come home, but in this growing up stage, she needs to fit in more tham you are currently allowing her to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): I was your daughter at school who didn't fit in and was bullied. You don't want her ending up like me.
Go to Primark, spend some money on her and she should feel a little better. As for make-up, just buy her a cheap mascara and concealer.
Done
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): I understand you have a budget you need to stick to, but how about within that budget allowing your daughter to pick her own clothes. When I was her age, and even older, my mother continued to pick my clothes (against my will) and would even go so far as to 'force' me to get certain hairstyles also against my will. I was picked on a lot at school as a result and it really destroyed my confidence and even in my mid-30s now I still bear the scars today in the sense of being extremely self-conscious about my appearance (even though as an adult I've obviously had autonomy over what I wear and have never had a problem attracting male suitors) and I automatically always worry that people are staring at me (in a snickering sense) when I know they are not. even to this day my elderly mother tries to control what I wear and criticizes my appearance because it is not how she would do it if it were left up to her. anyway for your daughter, I say you should let her choose what she wants to wear and you just set some limits (like the price tag). By forcing her to wear clothes that cause her to get bullied, you are increasing her sense of vulnerability and powerlessness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): I also wanted to say that i dont think you should stop buying her clothes from charity shops and online!. Let her be an individual!. Tell her that those clothes make her stand out from the other kids, in a good way!.
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A
female
reader, Cripes +, writes (20 February 2013):
Hello! First off, twelve is a good age for her to start picking her own clothes, so you should start to let her choose her own things. This doesn't meant hey have to be posh - there's no way that other kids can tell her clothes are from a charity shop or ebay, unless the clothes are old fashioned, which they don't have to be as there are so many almost-new things available in charity shops. And hello? Does that other girl get her tops made bespoke? If not, there were 10,000,0000 identical ones to hers sold, so there's no way she could say she donated that exact one.Second off, Primark is ACTUALLY CHEAPER than charity shops(I've seen second hand primark tops in charity shops that cost more than they did in Primark!) so if she really wants new things, take her shopping there - perhaps for her birthday - she could get a whole new outfit she loves for less than £20.Third off, what seems like a trial now may lead to better things by the time she's fourteen - being twelve is all kinds of awkward, but if you give her creative freedom with her clothes, by the time she's 14 she may well embrace being different, charity shopping and wearing "vintage" :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I was also bullied a lot at high school. I didnt wear makeup, wore huge glasses, my uniform was always neat and tidy and i was very small and have a fair complexion. I was also very quiet and shy. It was very difficult for me during my school days too. My dad always used to tell me that the bullies wouldnt act that way forever, and that they would feel bad about what they did when they get older, and they may even apologise for what they did , and he also told me that i would gain more confidence as i got older. And he was right!. It might help if you give your daughter some reassuring words, such as what my dad said to me. Tell her that it's ok to be an individual and you dont have to be like other people just to fit in!. I agree that kids can be horrible!. Does your daughter have any hobbies , outside of school?. It might be a good idea to find something that she would like to do, and where she can make friends who have the same interests as her. This could also help with her confidence. Does she have many friends in school?. Counselling could be a good idea too, if the situation gets too stressful for her. Some schools have a counsellor, or you might be able to find one that she can go to outside of school. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Well instead of you picking her clothes to buy from charity shops or ebay why don't you show her some things online see what it is that takes to her fancy try and find out her particular tastes first so she feels she's picking her own clothes.It's a difficult situation because people will pick on things like that unfortunately a lot of children now days are getting the latest gadgets and top class clothes. Just show her the website ebay and let her choose what it is she likes then perhaps she can see the style others wear and she can try and get something like that for herself.Talk to your daughter let her know that you want her to show you what kinda clothes she likes so she'll feel more independent in choosing her stuff.Hope this helps x
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