A
female
age
51-59,
*orowes
writes:My daughter is 19 and lives with her bf. I was against that decision, but she's grown. Now, she tells me that she is pregnant, I don't know how to handle the situation without alienating her. I don't approve because she is not married. It's not what I want for my children. Does anybody have any pointers? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rorowes +, writes (21 March 2009):
rorowes is verified as being by the original poster of the question My granddaughter is here, and she is wonderful. I love her so much. I just needed time to get use to the idea, but we'r all good now. Thank you for all of your encouragement.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Im so happy that this has worked out for you! Good luck with everything and enjoy your new arrival! :)
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A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (4 December 2008):
rorowes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy daughter is almost due, and I'm getting so excited. Thanks for helping me with your advice.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Congrats to you and your daughter!
That's the way to go.
Bless them and always be there for them when they need you.
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A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (10 June 2008):
rorowes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, for your advice. My daughter and I are doing fine, and I'm slowley getting use to the idea of becoming a grandmother.lol. We are back to getting along now. It will be okay.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 May 2008):
I love my daughter unconditionally and without any judgmental views.
Whether she is right or wrong, I will stand by her.
No matter what happens, she deserved my utmost support.
I do not imposed my views or thoughts on her.
She has a right to her own way of life.
If she chose her kind of life, I can only follow her .
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Open, non judgemental conversation can go along way. Finding the appropriate time to get a plug in doesn't hurt. Telling huge horror stories as to what can or will happen will get you turned off. Reverse phycology, leadership and persuasion are tools to help you along the way.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 May 2008):
 As a mother of three grown children, two of which are daughters, I can relate to your situation. My second daughter got married against her father's and my wishes, at 20 we thought she was too young. Her husband would drive us nuts and we were constantly biting our tongues so as not to say something we might regret. Now 8 years and two sons later she is divorced and has told me many times she wished she had listened to me to begin with. While you are her mother and can see the mistakes she might be making you will have to accept the fact that she is an adult and you just have to let her make them. If she ASKS for your advice then give it otherwise keep it to yourself, hard I know. You will be surprised how much your intelligence will grow in her eyes when she herself becomes a mother :). Remember, unconditional love, a lot of patience, and self-control. Good luck Grandma!
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female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Yes, I can give you pointers from the point of view of a parent.
Your children will find their own way in life - which won't necessarily coincide with your views, your ambitions for them, or even your own morality. They won't be clones of you. They are people in their own right, and that's terribly difficult to accept.
Of course you go on loving them. It's far harder to come to terms with the fact that their way is different to yours. At 19 years old you've already given them all the tools you can on which to base their decisions, and now all you can do is to be there when they need you and to do you best to understand their different needs when and if they ask for help and advice.
She has made her decision, and I think the best you can hope for is to be able to focus on the joy and love that a grandchild can give you.
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A
female
reader, rorowes +, writes (9 May 2008):
rorowes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I have always been open with my daughter, and she knew that getting pregnant b4 marriage is not what she should've done. She is happy, but I can't be for her. I love her, and I told her that yesterday before her bf cursed at me and told me that his kid doesn't need a grandmother like me. WOW! I flipped out and it turned ugly. They are intent on not listening to reason. Pregnancy was the one thing that was talked about before they moved in together, and my daughter assured me that she had taken care of birth control. She wants to make her own mistakes, and that is just plain stupid to meMy son is now involved trying to be mediator, and told the bf to apologize to me for disrespecting me, and he said he is, but now I don't know if I can really forgive him. She is his gf, but I am her mother. he needs to realize that you don't jump in family squables. Maybe after that book flew at his head he realized that one pretty quick...lol.Can anyone give me some pointers from a parents point of view?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Some very good responses. best advice seems to relax and accept your daughters situation, but be supportive. You can ask questions to see how they are doing, just don't be judgemental, it is a turn off.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Kids make their own way, find their own space and make their own mistakes.
It may not be what you wanted for her, but it's her life. The best you can do is love her, support her, and give her advice and help when she asks for it. It's all any of us can do.
More important, love your new grandchild. That is one of the most wonderful experiences, with the added bonus that you can hand the little darling back to its mother when you're exhausted.
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female
reader, sexi  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Hi
As hard as it may be just support her. That is what she need now. Try to forgive her for has happened. Things are done and some of them we cant change. If you approach the situation right then you could turn it around and mke it a happy one for everyone. Why dont you get together with her fs parents and discuss some sort of marriage and fiancial solutions. I think you should just be there for her. Im 20 and sometime we do things without thinking and before we know it we have made a mistake and we have hurt the people we love the most. You are a mother and god gave yourll big hearts to accept your child no matter what the circumstances are. Just be there for her!
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Hi, I was living in my own house with my boyfriend and 19 when I got pregnant for the first time.
My mom was shocked but always supportive even though it is not what she wanted for her children but my partners dad was not pleased about the idea and he broke my heart when he said that he wasn't happy.
I wanted was to be congratulated - I was not asking permission, but acceptance. Our baby was planned and nobody could have said anything to make me not have her, I have always had my head screwed on and it is certainly not a decision that I would make lightly.
I now have 2 children, daugthers and I believe we are one of the few young couples that do not regret our children but thats not to say it has been easy. Once our first child was born (and was really sick) all of the family came around to the idea, how can you not with babies?
We are not married, nor at this point do we plan to be for at least a few more years, our reasoning for that is it is only a piece of paper and a ring and we feel the way we do about each other, with or without this. My children have their fathers surname as if we were married and also if things don't work out for whatever reason, neither of us want to pay out all of the money that we have worked hard for sorting a divorce and lets face it the divorce rate is on the up, the average relationship now lasts 5 years - if your lucky!
Looking from the other point of view, as a parent, having babies fairly young is not what I want for my children....unless of course that is what they want. I hope that the way they are brought up will enable them to speak with us about their feelings towards this so that I can advise from my experience.
I hope that you can make piece with the whole idea of your daughter having a baby, if she is happy and healthy surely thats all that matters, these days marriage is not the be all and end all and it is your ideal and not hers. When the baby comes along, you will feel differently, she is an adult and you should let her make her own choices. Like it or not. Congrats on your nannyhood!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Im 20, and going to move in with my boyfriend next september, so maybe I can help...?
Im not pregnant but if I was, all Id really want from my mom would be her to say that she loved me no matter what. She knows that my life is my decision and that I have to make my own mistakes. My path might not be what she wants for me but she knows that and she loves me for who I am. You dont have to pretend you approve, but DO support her, tell her youre there for her, if she needs someone to talk to, and that you will always love her. Keep the communication open and dont judge her or say anything you will regret later like "I dont ever want to see you again..." etc etc because those things are hard to take back.
You have to let her make her choices and take her path. Talk to her about marriage, love and the responsibility of having a child. She needs to know these things and they mayb help hr see things from more your point of view.
Just a question, how much babysitting has she done?
If she hasnt done a huge amount, she has no idea waht being a mom is like. All I can say is the best contraception inthe world is little kids. I love them, I babysit tons, and I know and always have done taht I want my own family. But I also know that there is not way that Im ready to give my life up full time like that yet. When I have kids, it wont be a case of giving anything up, except maybe sleep! But at the moment I would resent it... perhaps you can help her to see things like this and be prepared for the future!
Sorry this is such an essay! I hope it helps a bit!
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A
male
reader, virgin89 +, writes (9 May 2008):
 mam as a young man i've been through a scare where my gf was preg but would up getting an abortion against my wishes.. but what really helped me get my head straight and listen to my mother and dad was when they let me go and hit rock bottom so that i could realize hey i'm a teen i don't know jack crap about life yet.. that's when i started to turn my life around.. and started listening for the help God was trying to give me in my time of need instead of blocking everyone out thinking i new it all..
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