A
female
age
51-59,
*mptyHeart
writes:I have a question, what do you do when your 11 year old daughter can't stand your boyfriend?I have been seeing this man for about a year and a half and had some issues in the past, but am working on them. He genuinely is a good man and good father to his own kids. Things are going great and want my kids to like him as much as I do. Its upsetting to be put in the middle. My daughter tells me that she wants to move out because of it, and my bf wants to be a part of our lives so badly, but I can't let that happen cause of my daughter. She's 11!!! He never did anything to her but show kindness. He can be too much sometimes, like teasing or trying too hard. He cracks jokes a lot and she doesn't like it. She thinks he is weird and "ugly" as she says. I tell her its not about looks its about how the person treats you. Im trying to teach her that. What do I do? I don't want to force anything on her, so I stepped back for a long time, but now its a year and a half later and I want to have a normal life again. FYI (her father passed away about 2 years ago), so she is reacting to the new change from it. I don't know if it is "him" or the idea of me dating again. She tells me it is him and to date other people. Ugh!What do I do? Do I keep bringing him around once a week as normal? Do I back off? Do I break up with him because of her? I don't know what the right thing to do is.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 You are her life and her rock. You are the anchor in a world that she feels is horribly unfair because it took her father from her. At 11 she's helpless and wholly dependent upon you for her well-being. She resents a stranger being thrust into her world regardless of what she might think of him.
The thing to do is put your kids first. If that means that the guy doesn't come to your home, then that's what you have to do. Hire a babysitter and see him away from your home. Don't introduce him into your kids' lives. Yes, it's a sacrifice. But that's what good parenting is, sacrifice.
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 It's always hard for children to accept someone new in their life after the death of a parent. I remember when my father died, i was so torn up seeing my mum so sad all the time, so when she started seeing someone after 6 months of his death, i was just happy that she was happy again (however, i was 17 at the time, alot older than your daughter!)
You say that your BF only comes around once a week, so i don't think it's about the fact that you might not spend enough time with your daughter, maybe she just doesn't fully understand that you need to feel human again and feel happy. She may not start accepting him for a long time, maybe organise some outings for you, your BF and your kids, so they can watch how he is with you and also get to know them a little better, hopefully as she gets older she will begin to see how happy he makes you and she will come to accept him.
Always remind her that you love her, and that you will always have love for her late father. Assure her that if she ever wants to talk about her father, even if it is just to cry, then she can always come to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I think part of the problem may be that you started dating this man 6 months after her Dad's death. She took against him. This would have been hard for her and she's been beating you up about it ever since. What's done is done. You can just slowly go on as you are going. Be contant and reasurring. Tell your boyfriend not too be overly trying too hard, jocking, teasing etc, just to back off. He needs to be friendly but nothing more for now. She will get used to him as long as he doesn't irritate her in trying to win her over - she has made a stand and will just dig her heels in. Be patient. Things will improve. It may have been a year and a half but this needs time.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (22 December 2010):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually did not tell her until about a year later (well a little more). To some, it may sound too early, but if you are in my shoes, it felt like an eternity. I needed to go out and be an adult and feel human again. This helped me in the grieving process. I never brought my kids into it until I felt like they were somewhat ready to handle it. Maybe it will take her many many years, but unfortunately, I don't want to wait that long. He makes me happy and when Im happy, I can take better care of my kids. I also take my kids feelings into consideration, and if for some reason, she would not ever accept him, I would have to rethink my relationship. On the other hand, I really don't want to have to go that route, it would be devastating to me. That is why I feel torn. I feel like I deserve to be happy, yet don't want to hurt my kids as well.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 December 2010):
 your daughter is at a crucial stage in her development. And losing her father when so young is a devastating loss. And has to affect her.
Could it be that she enjoyed only having to negotiate with one adult in the past
And negotiating with 2 adults is a bigger challenge.
She is possibly threatened by his presence, as a rival for your love, time and attention. Not to mention a possible worry that he is to be considered a father replacement. When he can never replace her father (and nor is he a father replacement)
Explain to her that your love for her will always be one big slice from the love she
reserves solely for her daughter.
And once she loved her daughter's father, and that love also remains in her heart. And love for her daughter is different love to that reserved for the girl,s father. And there are other loves in her heart - love for a job, a pet, a parent etc. But there is another slice and that is the love she feels for this new man. But the love she has for her daughter will remain constant. nothing will ever compromise the love she feels for her daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Your husband had been dead for 6 months and then you started dating this new man? Your daughter is always going to resent him and well you because of it. It was too soon. This guy makes the pain a lot rawer for her
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